it's _______ friday

Advent Friday

2005-12-02T15:49:00.000Z

Ding-a-dong-a-ding. Dong-dong-dang.

Those were Christmas bells. In case it wasn’t obvious.

Yes, it’s only just turned December and already there are
Christmas trees, lights, parties EVERYWHERE. Although, to
be honest, most of them were there for most of November too.

Anyway. Christmas is definitely heading our way and so we’ve
put our best, Special Christmas Hats on and come up with an
It’s A Friday Advent Calendar. YEY!

Now, before you get too excited, a few word of warning:

1) You can only open the current day and any previous days.
No skipping to the end and eating the special, big chocolate
from the end and then shutting the door again and pretending
it was the dog.

2) Even if we had allowed you to click all the links you
would have been disappointed because we haven’t finished all
the other days yet.

3) Given that we sometimes struggle to get a weekly email
sent out (either or time or at all) and that when we do the
content is sometimes not as coherent, interesting or
intelligible as we might like… let’s not be getting our hopes
up too much about the daily updates we’ve committed to here.
Basically we’ve probably bitten off more of the winkie-lolly
than we can gobble down properly.

Anyway, here it is, the It’s A Friday Advent Calendar:

http://tinyurl.com/cd9g3

Remember to keep coming back to open each new door. We’ll
do our best to update it every day.

PS – Here at It’s A Friday HQ we’re in the process of
building a new website so sorry there are adverts at the top
of the advent calendar. We’re doing our best to get rid of
them!

Physics Friday

2005-11-25T18:00:00.000Z

Do you know what?

Some things are weird. That’s what!

Like, right, how come black holes are really heavy, and light
is really… well, light. And while we’re on the subject: atoms
are so small, what’s the point of making a bomb out of them?
Surely it would be more sensible to make bombs out of whales.
And space…it’s big, but how big is big – and more importantly
why does anyone care?

Well. Worry not. It’s A Friday is here to answer all these
questions for you and many more. It’s simple. Basically, it’s
all physics isn’t it. And that’s why today is Physics Friday.

So, here’s the plan:

1. Make friends with a physicist such as this man:
http://www.physicscentral.com/people/people-05-04.html

2. Have a drink of Pepsi or some other phys-ie drink (see what
we’ve done there…)

3. Show someone a photo of Uranus.

4. Demonstrate quantum chaos during atom ionisation. If you
need any help then go here:
http://www.physlink.com/News/11905QuantumChaos.cfm

5. Invent a type of car that is powered by carbon-dioxide. It
seems a pretty simple pollution solution. Come on, it can’t
be THAT hard!

6. Explain volts and amps and stuff to somebody thick.
Remember: electricity in wires is just like water in pipes.
But drier. NB – be sure to explain to the thickie that you
can’t actually “drink” electricity.

And finally please be sure to talk (all day) like the famous
physicist Stephen Hawking. His computerised voice is brilliant.
However we do think using a computer to talk for you rather
than doing it yourself is a bit lazy. If things carry on like
this people will soon be wanting to move around in special
chairs with wheels rather than walk.

Anyway - that should be enough to keep you going. Obviously
you can come up with your own extra ways to participate if
you want. We’d love to hear about it. Just teleport yourself
into our nano-box along a fat vector and tell us all about it.

Stand Up Friday

2005-11-11T17:36:00.000Z

Are you sitting comfortably?

Well you shouldn’t be. We want everyone today to stand up.
Do it now. If you’re already standing up then sit down. And
then stand up. Do it twice.

The It’s A Friday team want to make a point: standing up is
good – especially if it’s for things.

For example you could stand up to a bully at work by tweaking
their nipples. You could stand up for the rights of the
homeless by drinking 12 cans of Special Brew, pouring urine
over yourself and babbling at passers-by. We would recommend
that you do this on the street, rather than at work.

Let’s all stand up for the minorities who can’t defend
themselves (you know the types: kids, refugees, gingers, the
Welsh etc) and help them. We’ve always found black boot
polish very effective for the gingers. Obviously that’s to
put in their hair, not to black up.

That’s it really. Nothing complicated. Just stand up for
something or someone. If you can’t be bothered to do that
then at least stand up on something or someone. Or you could
just go and have a good sit down and a poo.

i t h a n k y o u

Fantasy Friday

2005-11-11T17:05:00.000Z

Hello, and welcome to the best Friday email you could ever
possibly imagine.

Actually, no, we have to admit that this probably isn’t the
best Friday you could ever possibly imagine. That’s a total
fantasy on our part.

But, oooh, how extremely fortuitous... because today It’s
Fantasy Friday!

Now, in order to accommodate as many of you as possible,
there are a number ways that you can take part in Fantasy
Friday. So, just have a read through them all, pick one,
register your choice with us at fantasy@itsafriday.com and
get on with it.

OPTION 1
Check your fantasy football scores or, better still, make
up your own new games such as Fantasy Indoor Bowling, set
some rules, pick your players, check the scores on the web
and realise that you’re rubbish and need some substitutions
rather urgently. Or fantasy tennis, which is what half the
country does every summer when they pretend that Tim Henman
has ever been capable of winning anything worthwhile.

OPTION 2
Pretend you’re a troll and run round with a special sword
chasing somebody else dressed in a purple cloak, a “crown”
of ivy and a staff made from one of those giant, wild
rhubarb things that you always seem to get near ponds in posh
gardens. Please note that you may want to avoid this option
as it WILL involve interwoven celtic designs at some point.

OPTION 3
As a slightly less interesting but equally unappealing
equivalent to OPTION 2, sit round a table with some other
people, a 3 litre bottle of Lucozade, and some cornflake
cakes that someone’s mum made, and play some sort of
dice-rolling, spell casting board game for approximately nine
hundred and thirteen hours whilst occasionally using the word
“scrolls” and phrases like “but with your +12 skill attribute,
rolling a 9 might let you win my orc-dagger… and I really
like the green handle”.

OPTION 4
A slightly more interesting option however is to buy the
entire series of the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon on DVD and
watch all 24 episodes back-to-back. Whilst the series was
good, it’s extraordinary how many episodes had the same plot
line (ie, get attacked by bad wizards/troll/spider-monster,
find a secret portal/fountain/bush through which the gang can
travel back to modern day earth, only to be thwarted when they
realise the baby unicorn has got itself caught by a (bad)
flying fish/hairless wolf meaning they need to travel back and
rescue it. Invariably the secret passage (leave it!) back
home has closed by the time they’ve saved their horny friend.

OPTION 5
Sit in a dark room on your own and think about Matt in his
(skidded) pants.

Right then. See you next week. Please enjoy your fantasy,
whatever type it is.

Energy Wasting Friday

2005-10-28T21:58:00.000Z

The It’s A Friday team have deduced that we waste lots of things:

Your time
Our time

One thing we don’t waste a lot of is energy. For example we’ll go to the pub, whilst others will expend energy jogging round the park, or some will sit in a room and “work” for hours every day. Many would also label these people idiots. In fact the collective amount of energy wasted by some groups of girls on a night out could power a small hamlet (or a medium sized Macbeth) for a week. And that’s a fact.

This week, therefore, we’ve decided to join in with everyone else and waste as much energy as possible this Friday by whatever means seem fit.

We want you to join in too so here are some top energy wasting tips:

- Turning your heating up by 1C wastes an extra £30, so get on with it. After all, it is winter!

- Public transport is rubbish and smells of tramps and fat people. Buy a really big car and go everywhere in it. Especially really short journeys.

- Don’t wait until you have a full load to put in the washing machine, just wash when you feel like it. In fact, s0d it, why not wash each item separately.

- If you have an energy saving light bulb in your house, swap it for a traditional light bulb. This should waste about £7 a year all on its own.

- Go to a shopping centre and walk up a downward escalator.

- If you’ve got solar panels on your roof like we have at It’s A Friday HQ, get up onto the roof and cover them up with a thick blanket.
- Just removing the insulation from your loft could waste you up to £170. That’s got to be worth doing.

- Why not open your fridge and freezer doors to let them warm up a bit.

- TVs in the UK waste £88 million every year. Make sure you’re doing your bit to contribute to this by never turning yours off properly.

Of course following the above means the It’s a Friday team has no money to spend on booze or fags which immediately makes it a dreadful idea. However while the tips above are “bad” energy wasting there are some things that are “good” energy wasting.

As a handy reminder then: driving, flying and generally making a mess all over Iraq looking for banned weapons that aren't really there – that’s bad energy wasting; driving 1000 miles to look at some b00bs, however – that’s good energy wasting.

Anyway. Frankly we’ve run out of energy to write anymore. Suffice to say, please help us with this and let’s celebrate wasting energy together!

Fitness Friday

2005-10-21T14:55:00.000Z

CALLING ALL FATTIES! It's Fitness-Friday!

Do you wake up in the morning and think “God I’m an overweight,
unhealthy, fairly wobbly idiot?” Can you barely breathe after
walking up one (small) flight of stairs? Do you look in the
mirror and think “I might die soon”?

Well don’t fret: help is at hand! Just follow our simple and
easy It’s A Friday fitness programme (sample exercises
shown below) and within weeks you’ll be as fit as a very expensive
fiddle. Quite possibly you’ll also be as fit as Kirsten Dunst
as well (Terms & conditions apply – such as you not being ugly).

The It’s A Friday fitness routine is fun, easy to follow… AND
IT WORKS!!!!!! Seriously. It really does.

We guarantee that in 3 weeks:

- You’ll lose loads of weight.
- Girls will touch you inappropriately and possibly kiss you.
- You’ll be really popular and everyone will laugh at your jokes.
- You will win the lottery.
- You will stop smelling of stoats.

Simply follow our simple exercises – and see the weight simply
fall off (not literally, that would be horrible)

Don’t delay - remember: If you’re a fatty – stop restercising &
start exercising!

Now!!!!

Invention Friday

2005-10-14T12:02:00.000Z

The It’s A Friday team are often accused of being “inventive”
with our use of language – mainly in relation to rude things.
For example we’ll call a “willy” a “winkie” and, sometimes,
call a “spade” a “shovel”.

However we have recently become interested in actual, real
inventions. Especially the important ones. Things like the
wheel, trains, and boobs.
(Ed – didn’t god invent boobs?)
(Sub-ed – maybe, but if so who invented god?)
(Ed – blimey, that’s some good philosophy.)
(Sub-ed – yeah, I know.)
(Ed – Good!)
(Sub-ed – I know.)
(Ed – no, I meant good that you know.)
(Sub-ed – I know.)
(Ed – Good).
(Sub-ed – well I’m glad that’s sorted then.)
(Ed – good.)
(Sub-ed – Anyway….)

Anyway – listed below are some “special” inventions we found
on the web.

-----

1. The anti-eating face mask:
This consists of a cup-shaped member conforming to the shape of
the mouth and chin area of the user, together with a hoop member
and straps detachably engageable with a user's head for mounting
the cup-shaped member in overlying relationship with the user's
mouth and chin area under the nose thereby preventing the
ingestion of food by the user.

-----

2. Hijacker Injector:
US Patent Issued In 1974. What’s the idea? Well, quite simply
to install a hypodermic needle injector into every seat on the
plane. This needle was filled with lethal poison. One flaw
(out of many we could list) is that it does require the hijacker
to return to his seat in order for death to be administered. Or
of course the hijacker could just walk around the plane and kill
everyone with their own injector. Oh to have these installed in
Air Force One during some turbulence.

-----

3. Device for Waking Persons from Sleep.
Patent No. 256,265, issued on April 11th 1882. This “device” is
special. It is – and we quote “… a simple and effective device
for waking persons from sleep at any time which may have
previously been determined upon, the device being also adapted
for use in connection with an electric or other burglar-alarm
apparatus, in place of the usual gong-alarms”.

Now this sounds like a dreadful idea already – but the claim that
the “Ordinary bell or rattle alarms are not at all times effective
for their intended purpose, as a person in time becomes so
accustomed to the noise that sleep is not disturbed when the
alarm is sounded” is patently (see what we’ve done there) wrong!
(It isn’t – Al).

The device works by combining an “automatic releasing devices,
whereby the frame is at the proper time permitted to fall into the
sleeper's face”. Brilliant! So, basically, it drops things on
you. Great. Bring us one now and strap us in (not that we sleep
in the same bed, so actually, please bring two if you could be so
good, thanks).

-----

Well, inspired by these wonderful inventions It’s A Friday has
come up with one of our own. It’s called The Rainbow Sheep. All
you need is a sheep and 14 of each of the following coloured
felt-tip pens: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, balls, indigo,
violet.

Oh yeah. We’ve also invented a new colour called "balls".

One of the Top Ten Fridays

2005-10-07T23:56:00.000Z

Da daaa da daaa da-da da-da da-da,
Da daaa da daaa da-da da-da da-da
Hello and welcome to Top of the Pops….

No. Not really. Welcome to the It’s A Friday on this, one of
the top ten Friday’s we’ve ever done. Yes, it’s Top Ten
Friday!

You’ know what’s rubbish? Lots of those Top Ten _______
programmes that are on TV all the time. Some of them are
interesting but a lot are just a bunch of @rse. What’s even
worse is that, in order to make some of them seem better
they’ve made them bigger (top 50 or something) which means they
take all evening and you miss Charmed.

Anyway. It’s Top Ten Friday and we want you to remember that
life isn’t all work and paying bills and scraping cr@p off your
shoes. There are some good bits. You might not appreciate
them or realise how often they’re there but there are some. So
today just take five minutes to list 10 of your favourite or
best things.

Here at It’s A Friday HQ we had planned to send you a list of
the Top Ten Fridays… but realised there weren’t many that
qualified. We quickly ran up a list of the Bottom Ten Fridays
but Bottom Ten lists are a lot less popular.

So instead, here is the It’s A Friday Top Ten of Stuff.

10. No, not the film with Dudley Moore.

9. Sleep. As a bodily state it is often underused by the It’s
A Friday team but expertly used by cats. Here’s a tip – you
won’t be tired if you get more than 7 hours sleep. Anything
less – like 2 hours for example – may result in drowsiness,
dribbling and hallucinations.

8. Email. God must have invented emails. They’re brilliant –
and make you look like you’re doing work, when actually you’re
really emailing a Norwegian fisherman to ask if knows Captain
Birdseye.

7. There is no number 7. We don’t like the number. It smells.
Therefore we have chosen to ignore its existence, except of
course that by putting this text in for number 7 means we
haven’t ignored it at all. It’s all gone post modern.

6. Money. Papery stuff – that comes from machines. You need
money to buy beer (see below) and things. Sometimes comes in
plastic form but try to avoid using this form of money as it
is used up much quicker and then you’ll have none left – which
is bad.

5. Pubs. They cost money, eat time - but serve alcohol. Pubs
do have negatives though: they shut.

4. Non-work hours. These are those hours when you’re
officially allowed not to work. Please do not confuse non-work
hours with those where you’re not doing any work but should be
(not that we would know) such as when you have a hang over.

3. Girls. Not all girls though, only the attractive ones. And
preferably ones who’ll talk to us too.

2. Our number two is not poo. We’re not that childish. No,
our number two is friendship. After all, we all know that two
is a couple and three is a couple and somebody else. Brilliant!

1. Wee wee (urine).

Right then. That’s it. Send us your top ten. There’s a great
prize for the best one.

Also as an aside does anyone know what ‘minkie’ means? Email and
tell us if you do / don’t. NB – it does not mean miniature winkie.

The Meaning of Life

2005-09-30T17:32:00.000Z

The It’s A Friday team would like to challenge the common
misconception that we're shallower than a £4.99 Netto paddling
pool. We have, therefore, decided to explore boobs...no, NO!
Sorry. We have, therefore, decided to explore the meaning of
life. It's Meaning of Life Friday!

We've thought long and hard (snigger) about this topic and
decided perhaps life shouldn't just revolve around working,
drinking, smoking and s*x.

We've realised that in the grand scheme of things (i.e. the
universe, the world, or even our place of employment) we, as
individuals, are pretty much inconsequential. Yes we bring
enjoyment and laughter to hundreds of people a week through
this Friday email lark.

And ok we're blo^dy great fun to be around, always managing to
make those around us feel better with our special jokes, amusing
songs and excellent listening skills. But this is not enough.

It doesn't answer the great imponderable questions in this life.
Such as, if God is omnipotent and therefore can see all things
that have and ever will happen then what colour pants does he/she
wear? Which came first the chicken or the egg, or perhaps a
giant omelette somehow stuck on a course of reverse-evolution?
Or, even more importantly, why do girls always go the toilet in
pairs?

We can provide reasoned answers to the first two questions. We
have no idea about the third. Any explanations (or even
demonstrations) would be appreciated.

What we ask of you today is to think about what is meaningful
in your life. Let's face us, we're all different and there
really isn't a one-fits-all solution.

The It’s A Friday team have decided that, whilst spiritual
enlightenment may be a nice idea... actually beer, smoking
and girls equate for about 76% of our total happiness.

Matt would also like to point out that a least a further 15%
of his life's meaning comes from kebabs.

So go and give yourself a deep probing; discover what brings
meaning to your life. If you probe yourself really hard then
the results might quite literally bring tears to your eyes. Get
some tissue ready before you start.

t h a n k s

PS – In case you’re wondering: they’re white (obviously) and
it was an egg shaped chicken.

We Love Friday

2005-09-23T12:26:00.000Z

I feel it in my fingers; I feel it in my toes.
Love is all around me and so the feeling grows.
And so does my winkie…

We love Friday’s – they’re brilliant. And we love “Love Friday”
even more. OK so it’s not spring and winter is on the way but
we thought S0D IT, it can still be Love Friday!

After all, why not try to inject a bit of joy into the darker
months. Let’s be honest, it’s only 92 days until Christmas.
And we know Christmas is generally a time for gloom and old
people dying because they can’t afford central heating and most
people they know are dead and they now live alone in a one
bedroom flat with mouldy marmalade in the cupboard and mongy
milk in the fridge.

That said things wouldn’t be so bad if they had the love of
their family. You know the sort of thing – coming round for
tea, have a chat, eat a scone etc. Unfortunately it is
unlikely they have that if they’re poor. What’s the point?
You’re not going to get any money after they’re gone.

Errrr, sorry. We seem to have gone off on a bit of a tangent
there. Not a tangerine – that would be stupid. What’s the
difference between a tangerine and a satsuma anyway? Is it
the number of segments?

Anyway – we love love. We both love ourselves regularly
(perhaps a little too regularly in Matt’s case). It therefore
angers us when long-haired tw^ts like Brian May sing things
like “Too much love will kill you”. He’s wrong. STD’s can
kill you; love can not.

Shakespeare described love in many beautiful ways: the stars
in the sky, a summers day and, of course, the getting of ones
self to a nunn’ry.

We can’t do that so instead: It’s Love Friday. Have a manana.

Fill Your Day

2005-09-09T18:42:00.000Z

Hello moose-people. It’s Fill Your Day Friday.

Now, we want to make something very clear. Here at It’s A
Friday, we IN NO WAY, advocate any sort of messing about or
wasting time at work. No chatting to anybody; no checking
your personal email or the cricket score; no eating; no
breathing unless it’s directly related to work.

That said, we know that not everybody is as rigorous as us
in the avoidance of non-work. So, just in case you plan to
do no work (or study or whatever you should be doing) at all
today, here is a list of ways you can Fill Your Day (how
very un-professional):

- Book a meeting with yourself, go there, talk about silly
things (mastication, boobies or geese) and plan other
meetings with yourself.

- Paint something. Watch it dry.

- Go for a bog kip. To perform this correctly you need to sit
on the loo with your arms by your side and lean forward.
Don’t use your hands or the toilet wall to rest your head as
it will leave a red mark and make it obvious you’ve been
sleeping.

- Pretend to be at least one of The Chuckle Brothers.

- Make toast.

- Pick up a piece of paper and stride quickly out wherever
you are as if you’re going somewhere really important. Once
outside just have a fag, or go to the shop… or do both.

- Monkey Fag Break?

Well that’s all we could be bothered to come up with but we
are 100% sure there a numerous other ways to occupy your time.
It really is up to you how you go about it. Just make sure
there’s no time wasted. Make sure you Fill Your Day.

Oh! Just one more thing. We would like to apologise for the
late arrival of this edition of It’s A Friday. Unfortunately
we were both too busy doing actual work on Friday to send
this out. Sorry. It won’t happen again!

What were the chances of that?!

2005-09-02T17:51:00.000Z

As Phil Collins once memorably sung:

So take a look at me now, oh there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face

While both the song “Against All Odds” and the film of the
same title were very good this is, unfortunately, not what this
Friday is about. (Also, as should be obvious, in this context
the word “good” doesn’t actually mean something “good”.)

So what is this Friday? Well blimey and oooh!! Against all
odds, today is Against All Odds Friday! What are the odds of
that?!

You know how, sometimes, something REALLY unlikely to happen,
happens? Like, say, it suddenly rains toilet seats or stuff?
Or you bump into somebody you’ve never met before but they have
the same colour cat as you do? Well that’s the sort of thing
today is about.

It’s about celebrating achievements which didn’t appear
possible but, God knows how, became reality. Like when Ellen
McCarthy blubbed and cried her way round the world in a boat.
Or when some of the American public decided that giving George
W Bush a second term was a sensible idea.

The most amazing "Against all odds" ever, though, was when
that tortoise beat that hare in that race. Hare’s are bloody
quick you know. And a tortoise’s physical attributes (eg
carrying a house on its back) means that it should never beat
anything (other than another, slower tortoise) in a race… and
yet, against all the odds, it did.

And what’s even more remarkable is that this is a story is
true. We were there. (It was rubbish, actually. We’d
sensibly put £12 on the hare to win).

So, anyway, how can you join in? Well you need to do
everything you can to help each other achieve something that,
odds wise, looks beyond them. For example, you may wish to
spread the rumour that someone’s winkie is really wide in order
to impress the girls.

The bottom line is that you should strive to pull yourself off
beyond all expectation. Defy the odds. You might surprise
yourself and end up with a fabulous new life full of rich and
wonderful experiences (and money and 5ex). More likely you’ll
end up disappointed, bitter and with a feeling of hopelessness
that renders you a permanent failure – but hey, it’s worth a
try.

Fiddling Friday

2005-08-26T17:19:00.000Z

If I were a rich man… la la la la la la la la la la la la la
la laaaa.

Isn’t fiddling brilliant?! You can do it anywhere you like:
you can be a fiddler at home, in private; secretly under your
desk; in full view at the pub or in your garden. You can
even be a fiddler on the roof!

Or in the mud (http://www.assateague.com/mud-cr.html). Crabs.

The thing about fiddling, though, is that it’s quite hard.
For a start, you’ve got to tune all the strings - especially
the G string (NOTE: remember to check if there is a G on a
fiddle). You have to wax your bow regularly and pull off any
stray hairs. And, of course, you’ve got to spend about 8
years sounding like you’ve trodden on a bunch of cats before
you can competently play “Three Blind Mice”.

For anybody who’s interested – Matt has just made an ill
judged suggestion that we write something about plucking as
well as fiddling. You will be pleased to know that we have
attempted that, found it to be a rubbish idea and deleted it.
It has been replaced by this paragraph.

But, anyway, enough of this tosh. What’s the point? Well,
that’s an interesting question. It’s not one we’ve got a
definite answer for either.

The best we can come up with is that we would like you to
fiddle with us.

Let us make one thing VERY clear. We mean that you should
join us in fiddling; NOT that you should perform a “fiddle”
upon us.

Join a folk band. Change all the settings on some important
equipment. Make something very small and complicated. Go
all out and have a game of that thing with the little,
coloured, plastic circles that you try to flick into a pot.
(Ed. – that’s “tiddle”, not “fiddle”).

Basically just fiddle. Fiddle all over. Fiddle a lot.
Fiddle-dee-dee.

Superhero Friday

2005-08-19T16:41:00.000Z

Is it a bird? No.
Is it a plane? No.
It’s... A FRIDAY!

Today is about heroes. Super ones in the main. But never
forget, as that awful song goes, “A hero lies in you”. Each
of us is a hero in our own way. It’s not just about saving the
world from certain destruction by a megalomaniac - although
that probably helps. It’s not always about big things, it’s
also about the small things. Like mice must often say about
their winkies.

The fireman who goes back into a burning building to rescue
some pussy. The mother who suckles under-nourished hedgehogs
from her bosom. The monkey-hero who takes the time to help an
old lady cross the road… rather than mistaking her for an old
car-tyre and trying to swing on her. These actions are never
easy.

But what we’re asking you to do today is think a little
smaller. Explore yourselves. Thoroughly. How could you
make the world a better place? What strength and courage can
you draw upon to help others? Which Friday email newsletter
writers could you heroically buy a drink for this evening?
Have a think.

The It’s a Friday team have done just that. We’ve had a long
and probing think about it. Matt did more probing than Al.

Our solution is simple. We’re going to spend the evening as
“alternative” superheroes. How are we going to do this?
Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? By sticking bananas and other
hilariously shaped fruits / vegetables between our legs. For
example, if we had a banana we’d be banana-man. If we had a
marrow, we’d be marrow man. If we had a carrot, we’d be carrot
man. You get the idea.

The fruit stall was shut when we went. So far all we’ve got
is nuts.

One final, important thing to remember. Don’t get carried
away and watch My Hero on BBC1. It’s truly awful: “oh no, I
forgot I was a superhero, belched, and now Iceland smells of
old milk and the sea has fallen off the earth; hang on I’ll
just fold Jupiter into a paper swan and that should fix it all;
oh HURRAY it did. Oh, and your parents almost caught me
wearing my pants outside my trousers, but I put a 2nd pair of
trousers on over the top super-quick so they didn’t notice,
but then I fell over into a pile of cardboard boxes
mysteriously filled with old rubbish and feathers”. Etc.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

PS - You’ll be pleased to know Retardoman and Skidmark-man
were vetoed. Although only just!

You $#%£!

2005-08-05T17:22:00.000Z

Hello.

This week’s It’s A Friday is going to be serious for a change.
We are sick to death of making crass gags and rude jokes all the time. To be perfectly honest it’s just scraping the bottom
(*snigger*) of the barrel.

It is even more poignant this week since the discovery that we both have Tourettes Syndrome. Anyone who has witnessed us watching England play football could confirm that.

What’s really concerned us, however is the discovery that we also [winkie] have Literary Tourettes, so this week we are setting up a campaign to raise awareness of this problem and to help find a cure.

We need your help. We need your encouragement. Please visit the website below and register your support for our campaigne.
That’s it. It would be morally wrong not to.

http://tinyurl.com/8ql6l

Thank you.

Winking Friday

2005-07-29T13:39:00.000Z

You’re a bunch of winkers!

Good day to you one and all. Welcome to that which is, or will henceforth, be, known as Winking Friday. Get your best winks at the ready.

To be perfectly honest, we’re not going to be fussy this week. You can wink away your Friday in any of a number of ways:

- You can hold a tiddly winks competition. This could, of course, either be the traditional flicking of plastic discs… or a straight forward comparison to see whose winkie is smaller.
- You can arouse all sorts of suspicion by constantly winking at people. It is preferable to use one of your two face-based eyes rather than anything else.
- You could go to the city of Wink in Texas (seriously, whoever came up with that name needs special treatment for their special needs).
- You could have a short sleep or “40 winks” as my grandma calls it for some reason.

Guidelines to winking:

i) Ensure both your eyes are open first. You’ll know this is the case if you are able to see things. If you can’t see anything you may have gone blind. Please consult a doctor in instances such as this.
ii) In your mind select an eye to wink with. If you are winking at a person on your right, use your right eye. If they are on your left, then use your left eye. If neither right nor left – but in the middle then use your own personal judgement. Under no circumstances perform a double wink.
iii) Close the selected eye in an exaggerated way. You may also consider nodding your head towards the person you’re winking at. This will attract their attention.
iv) Lastly and not leastly, please don’t forget to reopen your eye. It simply won’t count as a wink otherwise, and you’ll feel rubbish having to walk around the rest of the day with one eye closed.

The It’s a Friday team are both going to wink ourselves silly today – and we’d absolutely love it if you did too.

ithankyou

Shhhhhhhh!

2005-07-22T17:16:00.000Z

Silence is golden.

…

…

…

…

…

…

Seriously it is. Matt remembers singing it all night once
whilst in a tent on a cub camp. It reduced one boy to tears.
They were literally coming out of his face. He begged for
Matt to stop. Matt wouldn’t.

Anyway, today we want you to self-regulate all those sill or
inappropriate things that you say and do all the time (well,
we do anyway). Basically every time you say something “wrong”
you must punish yourself with a period of enforced silence.

For example say you were to discuss the merits (or otherwise)
of having a “back, crack and sack” you would need to remain
silent for 2 minutes. Equally comparing boobs to marshmallows
would suffer a similar penalty. A detailed, if fictional,
account of “@nal bleaching” would be worth at least 5 minutes.
Basically being rude at all equals at least a two minute
silence penalty.

Facials are okay. That is, while being silent, nodding,
smirking, raising your eye brows acceptable.

We fully expect to have a pretty quiet evening, having one
colossally offensive discussion in the next half hour and
then not speaking for the rest of the night.

Shhhhhhhh...

This is like Simile Friday!

2005-07-15T15:12:00.000Z

Aren’t similes great? They are!

They’re like strawberries and ice cream with extra cream and
a flake. They’re like the first drops of rain in a drought
ridden country. They’re like the feeling you get just after
going to the toilet when you’ve spent the last two hours
holding (not literally) it in.

In many ways similes are like metaphors. Actually, of course,
they’re not: a metaphor is a phrase that states something is
something else; a simile is a phrase that states something is
like something else. Under no circumstances did we steal
this from a “Magical Metaphors, Super Similes” teaching
resource on some website. OK, we did: http://tinyurl.com/7uzgl

Anyway the point is that today we want everyone in the world
(yes, that is ambitious, but almost certainly possible) to use
as many similes and metaphors as possible. It doesn’t matter
whether they are appropriate or not. In fact the more
irrelevant the better. We want you to be like a full page
advert for crowbarring a simile into a sentence; a towering
monument to the meaningless metaphor.

Perhaps exclaim to a chum who’s been visiting Mrs Booze that
they are “drunk as a lord”. Or why not tell someone you fancy
that their presence shines like a beacon of loveliness matched
only by heaven itself.

Where possible do try (we accept that it may not always be
possible) avoid likening people to dogs, terrorists or hippos.
It probably won’t ingratiate you to them and they may get as
annoyed as a gorilla that’s been poked in the (back) bottom
with a stick.

If you’re lazy like a sloth, here are a few similes and
metaphors you can try to slip into your conversations/emails/
meetings with important people:

- That potato is a perfect oval, like a circle that’s been
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

- Sir, you speak with a wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a man who’s been blinded by looked at a
solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in
it and now goes around the country doing talks to school
kids about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

- My brain is an ideas power-station at the minute (but with
less pollution).

- Blimey, you’re as tall as a six-foot-four-inch tree.

- That sandwich is a full grown, hulking, cheese-monster.

- That idea is as lame as a duck. Not a metaphorical lame
duck, a real duck that is actually lame, perhaps from
stepping on a land mine or something.

Can you do better? Email us any classics you slip into
conversation today and there will be a prize for the winner.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Just one more thing - you should read this Letter To The
Terrorists: http://www.lnreview.co.uk/news/005167.php

This is what we'd have liked to have said last week if we'd
had time to write something proper!

Bombs Friday

2005-07-08T17:15:00.000Z

Hello. We hope everyone is okay etc.

Not all It’s A Friday readers are in London but a good
proportion are.

Obviously things have been a bit special here in London for
the last 36 hours.

Well... to be perfectly honest instead of working through
countless drafts of today’s Friday email, we went to the pub
at 1pm yesterday and didn’t leave until midnight. We thought
that the best response to the bombs was to carry on with life
as normal. For us that meant going for a drink – the only
concession we allowed ourselves was to get there earlier than
normal.

Anyway. Rather than add to the vast amounts of guff (and
some sensible commentary) being said and written about
yesterdays events we thought we’d just recycle what Mr
Mayor said on Thursday morning.

Normal service will be fully resumed next week.

“This was not a terrorist attack against the mighty and the
powerful. It was not aimed at Presidents or Prime Ministers.
It was aimed at ordinary, working-class Londoners, black and
white, Muslim and Christian, Hindu and Jew, young and old.
It was an indiscriminate attempt to slaughter, irrespective
of any considerations for age, for class, for religion, or
whatever.

That isn't an ideology, it isn't even a perverted faith - it
is just an indiscriminate attempt at mass murder and we know
what the objective is. They seek to divide Londoners. They seek
to turn Londoners against each other. I said yesterday to the
International Olympic Committee, that the city of London is
the greatest in the world, because everybody lives side by side
in harmony. Londoners will not be divided by this cowardly
attack. They will stand together in solidarity alongside those
who have been injured and those who have been bereaved and that
is why I'm proud to be the mayor of that city."

- Ken Livingston, Mayor of London, 7 July 2005.
- http://www.london.gov.uk/mayor/mayor_statement_070705.jsp

Wombling Free

2005-07-01T17:30:00.000Z

Blimey, Wimbledon’s on isn’t it – and we’ve not mentioned it
once.

Seriously we have been itching (not due to any sort of rash)
to make a gag about “new balls please” for almost two weeks
now. Mind you, if we’re being honest the reason we haven’t
mentioned Wimbledon before is because it is so dull. In fact
it’s guff.

Flipping Cliff Richard singing songs and fat people watching
tennis on Henman’s Hill (or Even-though-British-tennis-
-players-are-rubbish-people-still- sit-and-watch-them-on-a-
-big-screen Mound). That said, if we can come onto women’s
tennis for a minute, there really is nothing better than
watching girls work up a sweat and pant and grunt. A lot.

But, woops, we’ve digressed (ed. – I think it was wrong from
the start). Today we are celebrating those infamous creatures
that pick things up on Wimbledon Common. We know what you’re
thinking and it only happened once and it was an accident.
The bloke’s belt had broke causing an embarrassing trouser
droppage. And he chocked, which accounts for the Heimlich
manoeuvre.

Anyway today is Womble Friday. You know – those big-snouted,
furry critters who “pick up the mess other people leave
behind”. (LEAVE IT).

As a concept The Wombles TV show was a work of genius. It
worked on two levels: pure entertainment (like the episode
where it was windy and the Wombles kept picking up litter,
putting it in the bin, only to see it blow away again, ran
after it and picked it up again but it blew away again...
and then it happened again until one of the Wombles suggested
putting a lid on the bin and that worked - classic episode)
and, of course, there’s the social impact of the Wombles.

Wombles picked up litter and were cool. Suddenly putting
stuff in bins was cool and everyone did it! (ed. - did they?)
(sub-ed. - yes). So in a way, the Wombles cleaned up Britain.

And of course let’s not forgot the Wombles album. Utterly
brilliant. Seriously, buy it.

So how can you be like a Womble today?

i) When smoking ensure the fag is pointing downwards. You
will end the evening with very yellow, Womble like fingers.

ii) Pick stuff up and put it in the bin. (ensuring, where
appropriate, you have selected the correct recycling bin
option.)

iii) Grow fur all over your body, and a huge snout. If
necessary buy a snout from a joke shop… or a tobacconists.

iv) Sing “Underground, over ground, Wombling free” loudly in
the toilet at least once. Get other people in the toilet to
join in (with the singing).

v) Go to Wimbledon and walk on the common.

vi) Watch Wimbledon – the movie. It’s not great but it’s got
Kirsten Dunst in the shower!

vii) Do none of the above, because they’re such rubbish ideas
(Ahhhhhh. Do you see what we’ve done there?!)

And that's it. Have a good Friday... and remember: you’re a
womble!

BBQ Friday

2005-06-24T16:33:00.000Z

Hi. It’s been really sunny hasn’t it? Hurray! When it’s
sunny and warm it’s always nice to take advantage of the
summery climate and get yourself outdoors as much as possible.
You don’t want to be stuck in doing your ironing when it’s 30C
in the garden!

That’s why, as an alternative to your usual weekend mouthful
of meat and two veg, we’d like to suggest having a barbeque.
Not only will you be able to enjoy a faceful of crusty black
meat, but you also get to play with fire. Literally.

So here are the It’s A Friday summer barbeque top tips:

- If it’s raining, hailing, foggy or winter - cancel and go
to the pub instead. There’s no point in getting silly about
this stuff.

- Do NOT use petrol to help start your bbq, especially if
you like your face and/or limbs.

- DO expect to sit around for hours whilst your vague attempts
at “getting the barbeque going” are less than successful.
Obviously make sure you are drinking heavily during this stage.

- Do NOT buy cheap, Scrubbers ‘R’ Us sausages or burgers.
They taste like poo

- DO make a salad to go with your BBQ food. No-one will eat it
but they will expect to see it.

To give you a bit of a head start we also present our simple
It’s A Friday barbeque sausage recipe which you can use to
impress your mates (if you have any - we don’t):

1. Take your meaty, pork sausage and rub between your hands to
firm it up.

2. Cover the sausage in honey (and mustard if you’re feeling
daring) and make sure it is nice and slippery

4. Cook sausage. (sorry - no innuendo here)

5. Get your baps out. Squeeze them gentle to ensure they are
soft.

6. Insert the firm, slippery sausage liberally into the baps.

7. Take your time positioning the sausage. Do this by moving it
up and down in a rhythmical fashion.

8. Add mayonnaise. Careful here as introducing mayonnaise too
early could result in a disappointing experience.

And there you go. Burger me!

Of course by the time you read this our brief spell of summer
will probably have finished and we’ll all be legging it to get
out of the torrential rain, lightning, tornadoes and golf ball
sized hail stones.

Happy barbequing.

Choose Your Own Adventure

2005-06-17T13:17:00.000Z

Hello and welcome to Choose Your Own Adventure Friday! The
principal is simple. You read, you choose, you have a Friday
adventure. Exactly like those books you might have had when
you were younger.

Let's begin!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1. You leave work at 5:29, and venture out into the pollution
hazed sun. On your right is a throng of people standing outside
the pub enjoying a cold pint in the summer warmth. On your left
there isn’t – there’s a deserted street that leads you to the
tube station.

- If you want to go the pub then go to no. 2.

- If you want to head down the deserted street towards the
tube station go to no. 3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

2. You make an error and go to the pub. It’s packed and you’re
necking pints as if they’re going out of fashion – even though
they’re not (booze is the new black). You have a conversation
about a crab with special needs. Suddenly you realise it is
9pm and that you’d promised to go home (by 8pm) and help your
flatmates tidy the house.

- If you want to stay at the pub and s0d your co-habitual
acquaintances then go to no. 4

- If you want to leave the pub then go to no. 5

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

3. You turn your back on the pub and walk down the empty street.
From almost nowhere (although obviously not literally nowhere
as that would be ridiculous, not to mention highly unlikely) an
ice cream van drives round the corner and runs you over. A lot.
The last thing you hear is Green Sleeves playing on an
unrealistic bell-type-noise. The End.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

4. You’ve made a good choice. Suddenly, from nowhere, a foxy
young girl/boy/actual fox comes over to you. (Ed - Because we
can’t be bothered to type she/he/it every time we will just use
“she” from now on but you get the idea.). She starts talking to
you. You can barely get a word in edgeways. Suddenly she stops
talking.

- If you want to make lewd jokes and talk about bottoms,
winkies and bo0bs then go to 6.

- If you want to regale her with a charming and witty tale
then go to 7.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

5. You leave the pub, and amble your way home. You arrive at
your house. No-one is in. You can get a phone call, it’s your
flatmates. They have been playing a joke, and point out that
you are a t&t for believing that anyone would tidy a house on
a Friday. You feel dejected, and sit down to watch TV. You
flick the channels and settle on Big Brother. Life can’t get
any worse than this. You turn over and realise Celebrity Love
Island is on and you realise it can. You’ve made a massive
(bad) error, and ruined your Friday. The End.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

6. She laughs like a drain at your rudeness and within ten
minutes suggests going back to your place. She also, rather
intriguingly, tells you that she has a tub of chocolate spread
in her bag. As you are pondering the decision your mate rushes
over and says the rest of the group are off to a club.

- If you want to tell the foxy girl/boy/actual fox to come
with you to the club then go to 8.

- If you want to ignore your mates and the prospect of more
alcohol and be a s0d and go home with the girl (who seems to
be gagging for it) then go to 9.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

7. You stumble around your words as you desperately try to look
cool and clever. She looks at you with distain as you pontificate
about the satirical implications of Celebrity Love Island. It’s
all gone wrong. She walks off, and starts chatting to your mate.
Within seconds she is snogging him. Two minutes later they head
off home together. You leave; dejected. On the way home the
train breaks down. It’s not been a good end to the evening.
Once back at your house you microwave a meal for one and feel
quite lonely. You don’t know it, but tomorrow you’ll trip over
a tramp on the way back from Sainsbury’s. The End.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

8. The girl smiles. “Good choice” she says. I wasn’t really
going to go back to yours. It was a test to see if you valued
your friends. You head off to the club and get twuntted with
her and your mates. You have a great time. At one point you
even get away with tweaking her nipple as if it were a radio
tuning device because she thinks it’s funny. The club shuts.
She turns to you and says “I will come back yours, I still
have chocolate spread, and can my Swedish friend come too?”
Your whole body spasms; one part in particular. You head back
to your flat, find a winning lottery ticket, receive a phone
call asking you to take over from George Bush because the
American Judiciary have finally realised what an @rse he is,
and you invent a new source of infinite, clean power for the
world that costs 82 pence per year to run. You’ve done well.
And Dr Who is on tomorrow! The End.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

9. She frowns at you, and says “Clearly since you don’t value
your friends, you wouldn’t value me”. You realise you’ve
errored. HUGELY. Woops. It was a test and you failed. Dejected
you head home. She goes to Bar Motion with your ex-mates. In
the morning you discover that she got (good) dirty with your
best friend. You are gutted, although things take a turn for
the worse when you discover she also invited her Swedish mate
to join in the fun. You turn on the computer to check your
email and find the “It’s A Friday” email waiting for you. It’s
going to be a bad weekend. The End.

Charity Wristband Friday

2005-06-10T18:05:00.000Z

Has anybody got a rubber?

No, not a Johnny. Or an eraser. We mean a rubber band.
Anyway – we’ve got one… each. You should get one too.

You know all those coloured, charity wristbands that everyone seems to be wearing at the minute? Well, we’ve decided that it’s time we aimed for big time so we’ve made our own It’s A Friday wristbands. To be more specific, what we’ve actually done is steal a few elastic bands form the office stationary cupboard, write “It’s A Friday” on them, and put them on our wrists.

S0d all this branded charity stuff and get back to basics – just a simple, brown elastic band. We want them to be a symbol of independence and freedom…. And of being silly and getting drunk on a Friday.

You can wear them anywhere you want:

- round your wrist
- round your ankle
- as a rubbish retro-style belt
- on your winkie
- perhaps round a collection of skinny weasles to keep them in an orderly fashion.

It’s up to you really just so long as you do it and it’s SPECIAL.

Know it all Friday

2005-06-03T16:25:00.000Z

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I’ve just finished learning all the things in the world!”
“Really?”
“Yes. I now know EVERYTHING.”
“Like what?”
“Erm.. well, I dunno.”
“Thanks.”

Some people think they know everything. Real know-it-alls.
They charge through life never questioning themselves because they are confident in the knowledge that they are right; never listening because they already know what they’re being told; never stopping to ask anything because… well why would they.
In short - people like us.

In case some of you are not blessed with this ‘gift’ we should probably tell you that today is Know It All Friday. Not being as clever as us means you won’t have realised this.

Not sure whether you are a know-it-all? Well, check whether you know these facts:

- The spiny ant-eater has a 4-headed winkie

- Peanuts are not nuts. This, presumably, means people with nut allergies can eat them.*

- Pineapples grow from the bottom on short stalks and look rather ridiculous.

- Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only
206 in our bodies.

- In Oregon it is against the law for bears to tear bark off of trees in tree plantations owned by lumber companies - something they do in the springtime to give them access to sap, for an energy boost after their winter's hibernation.
Punishment for breaking this law is death. 113 bears were executed last year for this offence.

- The longest recorded flight of a domestic chicken is 13 seconds.

- Amish people do not believe in the use of aerosol air fresheners. This means they are gay.

- India has the most post offices in the world.

- The most popular grown bulbs are tulips.

- There was a 19th century Native American tribal chief who went under the name, "Not Able to Fornicate."

- Etc etc etc (note – this is not a fact)

If there was anything here that you didn’t know then you weren’t a know-it-all. But, of course, you might be now! It rather depends on whether there’s anything else you don’t know. Have a think. Are you a know-it-all? Yes or no? Or perhaps you don’t know.

i t h a n k y o u

* We take no responsibility for any deaths or injuries sustained as a result of this statement.

Just Say No

2005-05-27T16:30:00.000Z

“Go on. Say ‘no’. You know you want to. Seriously, you do...”

“No. I don’t”

“Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha, you just said it. You
just said ‘no!’”

"No I d.... bu99er."

Today it’s Just Say No Friday. It’s a bit like that really
rubbish song sung by the cast of Grange Hill back in 1986. You
know the one. It was rubbish. Apparently it was about drugs
which, as we all know, are really bad and something you should
definitely say no to. Unless you’re at Glastonbury or in
Brixton or on the moon. Then it’s OK. Unless you die.

Anyway…the point is that today is the day to say no. (No it
isn’t). (No, that’s not true).

Now, obviously there are some exceptions. You can’t just go
round saying “no” to EVERYTHING. That would be, like, really
mad. So, see if you can spot which one is the exception from
the cleverly devised test below:

- Do you fancy being burnt by a lighter?
- Would you like a pint of Pernod?
- Isn’t Hitler great?
- Weren’t Babylon Zoo a really good band?
- Would you like to be the (only) male part in Lesb£ans Go
Nuts Part 3?

I think you know the answer. Apparently Hitler gave money to
charity and made a good salmon mousse. You know what we’re
saying! Is the Pope catholic? No. He’s a Fascist catholic.

But he does like little boys.

Right. If you want to you can stick the special badge attached
to this email on your chest. That way everyone will know you
say no. But do be careful. Avoid wearing it near people at the
end of the evening when they suggest going on for “one more
drink”. You wouldn’t want to say no now would you?

It's errrmmm.... oh, you know....

2005-05-13T15:34:00.000Z

Errrm. Hi.

How are you today? I’m fine. That special ointment is
clearing things up nicely.

Well, it’s just me (Al) today because Matt is on holiday.
However, as you can all see, it’s still time for another… you
know, an…. It’s A… Thingy email. Yes, I’ve spurted into your
(in)box without even pausing to wash my hands first. How very
rude (and therefore clever) of me.

Oh! Hang on. Did I leave the oven on? Hmmmm…. Ah well.

So. Where was I? Oh yes, the old It’s A….. you know, the
thingy email and you are all no doubt wonde… FRIDAY! That’s
it. The “It’s A Friday” email. Yessss, it’s all coming back
now.

Did I make a cup of tea earlier? Where did I leave it?

Yes, so anyway, you are no doubt all wondering what Friday it
is today. To be honest we had a wealth of ideas for this
Friday. There was… @rse, where did I put that list… I know
it’s here somewhere. Oh come ON. I had it the other day.
Maybe Matt took it to… where ever it is he’s gone. Oh, I
can’t remember what it’s called.

Actually, in case you’re interested, Matt just sent through a
holiday update. Now where the sod has that email gone. Oh
this is ridiculo… oh, there it is:

THURSDAY

Awaken to glorious sunshine. Go for a run with Stuart in
order to prove the point that, just because he goes rowing
five times a week and doesn't smoke, this in no way means
that I can't compete with him. I was wrong. Massively
wrong. I realised this after 3 minutes.

Proceeded to the pool. It immediately clouded over and
started raining. Stuart fell asleep for the entirety of the
day, only waking for dinner. We got into the lift and an old
women walked in. She said "Mussels tonight then". I presumed
she was talking about Stuart and me. She wasn't. She was
talking about that evening's meal. She prattled on further
"They've got salmon too, but watch out, it has moss growing
out of it and could give you a dicky stomach". Having eaten
the salmon for dinner i realised she'd mistaken bay leaves for
moss. They taste similar.

THE END

Anyhoo, enough of that. I’m sure there was something
important I was supposed to be telling you. Errmmm. What
was it? Was it that thing about the fruit? No.

Ah. YES. It’s Absent Minded Friday! Whe-hey. See what
I’ve done there? No. Oh well, not only is it Absent Minded
Friday, but in a STUNNING piece of double-meaning genius,
it’s also advance warning that next week will be Absent Friday.
Neither of us will be here new Friday so there won’t be an
email at all. Feel free to participate by not turning up
yourselves. We’ve already written to your boss/tutor/husband/dog
and they’ve all agreed it’s okay*.

Right then. Have… oh, what’s that thing called…. You know,
when you have an nice time and enjoy something… errm… Ah yes.
Have a poo.

See you in a couple of weeks.

i t h a n k y o u

* PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS NOT AT ALL TRUE IN ANY SENSE.

Oops - we forgot this week!

2005-05-06T13:04:00.000Z

What A Boob!

2005-04-29T17:46:00.000Z

Aren’t b00bs brilliant?!

Those of you sniggering at the back - we don’t mean b00bies.
Although, that said, we are happy to discuss yours (if you’re
female) or them (if you’re male). But no, what we mean are
errors, mistakes, faux paux’s.

A b00b is like a mini massive error. For example, a massive
error could be drinking 10 pints on a work night, staying out
until 5am, eating a pot n00dle or sleeping with a dog. B00bs
are much softer and often, if l00ked at in the right way, a
source of much amusement.

Tripping over a paving stone could cause hilarity for both
yourself and any friends watching. It would be classed as a
b00b. Tripping over a paving stone and fracturing your arm
in 3 places is less amusing. I think we can agree that that
would be more of an error. Tripping over a b00b is so far
unclassified, not to mention unlikely.

So, what are we saying? (Excellent question – Ed.). Well –
we are suggesting that you make a b00b today. No, not from
paper-mache. We mean take part in a mini error.

Obviously you’ll have to decide what constitutes a b00b for
you. The It’s A Friday team have decided that they want to
enjoy some massive b00bs today so we will be aiming to at
least drop something embarrassing. Obviously some of you
won’t be able to handle massive b00bs and so will have to
settle for smaller ones. Well, it’s like ANYTHING isn’t it…

Here Comes The Friday

2005-04-22T18:02:00.000Z

It’s sunny today
Hip, hip hooray,
We feel so gay
Because it’s sunny today

God we love the sun, especially page 3 where you can see girls
top bits.

Actually we’re only joking. We’re celebrating today because
it is sunny, and it’s nearly summer – and well we can’t
actually think of anything else to celebrate. It’s Sun
Friday!

Moon Friday really doesn’t have the same ring to it. It’s a
rubbish idea and we definitely won’t mention it again. Ever…

Wait a minute! Hang on! Moon has two meanings! One meaning
is the name for the piece of rock circling the earth (just in
case anybody needed a recap on that, thanks matt) whose
gravitational field causes the oceans tides. The other means
to get your @rse out to people with the intent of creating
shock and indignation to the unsuspecting watcher(s) – and
therefore mirth for oneself.

Oh what the heck: It’s Sun and Moon Friday! And whilst this
might sound like the name of a new Wetherspoon’s pub that’s
just opened in Tower Hamlets (or a Pagan festival) it is not.
Obviously.

So what’s the idea behind this week’s Friday email? Well, Al
asked Matt this earlier. Matt said “None” so you can safely
deduce from this that in keeping with other Friday emails this
week’s “effort” is both rather meaning- and (point-) -less.
That said we do want you cut out either the shape of a moon,
or sun (colouring it in is optional) and wear it all night as
a special Friday Costume.

Clearly we will taking the more simple option of getting our
@rses out.

i t h a n k y o u

It's _*****_ Friday

2005-04-15T15:10:00.000Z

Here at It’s a Friday HQ we have become increasingly concerned
about the number of important people reading our emails.

No, not you.

People in positions of authority and/or influence. For example
a nightclub bouncer, your local pub landlord, or a bus driver.
Seriously if you mess with these people you’ll end up with a
number of rather sore bruises, no beer, or a long walk home
respectively. Or, worse, all three… and that is a decidedly
bad night out. Although not as bad as pulling someone who
doesn’t have their own teeth (or anyone else’s) anymore.

And important people aren’t the only ones reading our emails.

No, still not you.

We’ve been hearing strange clicks on the telephone (although we
think that was just people hanging up on us) and men in
raincoats and sun glasses watching our every email-writing move.
Yes fellow Fridians, MI5 are onto us and they’re not amused.

Anyhoo, in order not to annoy anyone who is foolish enough to
imagine themselves to be important, arouse suspicion in the
intelligence community and, more importantly, make sure the
Friday Email gets through your email spam filter (let’s face it
– Hotmail is so good at that these days!) we have decided that
censorship of our emails is the only way forward. So, it’s
Censorship Friday!

You may have noticed that in some Friday emails we go on and on
(and sometimes on) about subject matter that would make your
mother (and in some cases your father, brother, sister and
rabbit) “blush”. In short, we are a touch rude. Well no
longer will we be using rude words or phrases. No, being
cunning linguists we shall instead be disguising them.

Yes, we’ve had a long think about this issue and decided that
subtle and clever word disguises are the only way we’ll be able
to continue to write about “soupy tate winks” or “lexual
minter-wourse” or even “koo and yee”. We can’t even begin to
explain what we mean “love blimp”… although, to be fair, in
that particular case we just really can’t explain what it
means.

If you want to help with Censorship Friday we would suggest a
basic approach of not watching Clockwork Orange and aggressively
shouting “La la la la la nobody listen to the bad thigns”
whenever you feel it is appropriate. Oh, and don’t get your
baps or balls out.

So there you go. Welcome to the new format, no-rudies It’s A
Friday email.

The only problem is that if we stop writing about naughty (good
dirty) things then we’ve really got very little to write about.
See, the thing is…. Errr… well, you know….

Oh pants and farts – anybody for Swearing Friday?

It's A Bit Special

2005-04-08T17:19:00.000Z

You are special.

Seriously go to the toilet right now. Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself. (That’s LOOK, not touch). See how special you are?!

In many ways (6 to be exact) we are all special. Here at It’s A Friday we often find ourselves feeling extremely special. Often, weirdly, this seems to coincide with having spent an evening in the pub, followed by a late bar, followed by a club, followed by wandering around the streets trying to find somewhere else open for a drink. Then the night-bus to somewhere that’s definitely way past where we should have got off. Then the realisation that tomorrow isn’t Saturday, we have a 9am meeting the next day with the head of our department… and it’s currently 5:30am in the morning. Oh, and we’re each carrying a garden gnome dressed as an easter bunny. Yes, that was special.

Other times, however it doesn’t have to be alcohol related at all: you should have seen the state of us last Friday after playing 4 games of 6-a-side football. That was VERY special.

Actually, the It’s A Friday team are a bit confused about one thing and were wondering if you could help us. We think there’s been an error of some sort. Various people seem to be under the mistaken opinion that we are master bakers (leave it) and producers of exotic breads. Apparently they think we have some unusual fi5ting technique for developing the gluten in the dough and introducing air. They keep asking us whether we have special kneads.

But we digress. Clearly we don’t have special kneads (needs – do you see what we’ve done there?). Only once have we (independently) been visited by a local Social Services care worker for a bed bath and, to be honest, the man had quite a delicate touch which made it OK. Weird thing was he didn’t have any proof of identity on him. A bit special really - we’re sure they’re meant to carry some sort of ID.

Anyway, it’s Special Friday and to celebrate your - no, actually our - collective “specialness” (it IS a word, despite what the spell check says) we would like you to make a special badge. You can create your own design if you want or you can use this template. You see if we all go around telling each other just how special we are then it will make the world a better place… or at least a special-er place.

Go forth and be special! There’s a bus waiting.

i t h a n k y o u

PS - In case you were wondering, Al finally got his new phone delivered on Thursday. It only took Orange 17 days to get the address right.

Complaint Friday (well, okay, Monday)

2005-04-04T14:19:00.000Z

Dear Friday-ers,

We wish to register a complaint.

We had every intention of sending you an email on Friday,
however events conspired against us. We are not happy about
this and, we imagine, neither are you (QUIET AT THE BACK).

First, one of the It’s A Friday team had to spend huge amounts
of last week on the phone complaining to a certain nameless
mobile phone operator (Orange) about their ridiculous
inability to process an order and send us a new phone. Then,
when we were writing the Friday email there was a power cut
and all the work was lost.

So, anyway, here we are several days late. It’s Complaint
Friday/Monday. Below is the rather over-the-top complaint
letter that was sent to Orange who, incidentally provide a
good level of telephony but an appalling level of incompetent
customer service.

i t h a n k y o u

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Wankers at Orange

I am writing to complain about the appalling level of
incompetence and piss poor service I am receiving when trying
to give Orange my business and money.

6 “working days” ago (10 real days) (70 dog days) ago I
ordered a new phone and contract online at orange.co.uk. I
already have an account with Orange. My address has not
changed. My bank account has not changed. My name has not
changed. In fact, nothing has changed except that I now hate
you all with a passion.

Despite being a simple case of using the information I
entered on the website and sending me the handset/SIM, the
entire process has been handled abysmally and with utter lack
of any sign of intelligence, competence or professionalism.

Firstly you failed to notice that I already had an Orange
account (I entered the details when I ordered). This
resulted in a delay while you performed a credit check on me.
I phoned and corrected your stupid error however I am now glad
that you wasted your money on a credit check. 1-0 to me.

While talking to Orange I checked that the delivery address
was correct (different to the billing address) and I was told
(twice) that the phone would be delivered to the correct
address on Tuesday 29th March.

The phone was not delivered on Tuesday 29th March.

I phoned to point out that my phone had not arrived and was
told that it would arrive on Wednesday 30th. It did not
arrive on Wednesday 30th March. I phoned Orange and was told
that, for some unknown reason, the phone had been sent to my
home address; the address that I had specifically asked for it
to not be sent to (because there would be nobody in); the
address I had been told that it would not be delivered to.
The address you had it delivered to.

There was nobody in. Shocker!

I phoned again assuming that I would have the option to speak
to at least one single member of staff who was not in the
process of being certified as having “special needs”. There
must have been a malfunction with your phone system because I
was not given this option. The customer “service”
representative on the phone claimed that it was not possible
to give any reason or explanation for this error. Nor did he
apologise on Orange’s behalf. Nor would he suggest how I might
find out how/why this had happened. Nor did he suggest anybody
I could speak to in order to complain (when I asked). I wish
him immense levels of misfortune in the immediate future.

After a change of nappy he went on to explain that a change of
delivery address would be “faxed” through to the courier
company. Obviously, for drivers of vans carrying parcels
around the country, fax is the most suitable method of
communication. This faxing would apparently (God’s c0ck knows
how) take over 24 hours. How this is even possible I have no
idea but, evidently, it must be a HUGELY complicated process
that I couldn’t begin to understand.

In disbelief I asked when the phone would be delivered and
received confirmation that it would be delivered today,
Friday
1st April. A full 11 days (7 “working” days although you’ve
obviously spent none of that time working on completing my
order) after I ordered it using a time/effort/money saving,
automated, internet system.

This is totally unacceptable. All that was required was a
check on my bank details and address (against the account I
already hold and pay every month by direct debit) and
dispatch of the handset to the address I had gone to the
trouble of typing in and confirming verbally. It’s really
not very hard. A slightly intelligent pigeon could do it.
Evidently your pigeon selection process is not quite rigorous
enough.

Given these easily avoidable errors and delays I would at
least expect every effort to be made to get my handset to me
as quickly as possible now. I am very much still waiting.
It should come as no surprise that this time has been used
entirely for the purposes.

I await my phone, an apology, an explanation, some offer of
compensation (for the time and effort wasted trying to track
this order) and details of what will be done to ensure that
such simple AUTOMATED mistakes do not happen again. Oh… and
a video copy of the token execution of a member of your
customer services department.

BUGGER off,

Al
The It’s A Friday Team

Holding Friday

2005-03-24T13:14:00.000Z

--------------------------------------------------------------
I t ' s A F r i d a y
- - - - - - - - - - - “almost funny" - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------------------------------------------------------

You may have noticed that today is not Friday. It’s A Thursday.

Whilst Thursday has been called “the new Friday” this doesn’t
actually make it a Friday. No, not by a long way. This has
left us in a quandary. (It’s okay though, we’ve managed to mine
some slate). Since tomorrow is a holiday rather than a work day
we won’t have time to send an email because neither of us is
likely to be awake before 5pm. Although please do not mistake
the previous sentence as an inference that we share a bed
together. We don’t. At least very, VERY rarely.

So, with no email tomorrow, this (in a sense) is a temporary,
Holding (Friday) Email. You know: the sort of thing issued when
an MP has been caught in a park applying baby oil to a Thai
lady-boy. The holding email or “statement” in its loosest sense
is basically a generic, wishy-washy piece of writing to cover
people’s back-sides while they write something proper. Of
course, we won’t be doing this. We have a fully thought out,
well planned and patiently written email for you. Definitely
not the sort of thing that’s been thrown together in a couple
of minutes on the back of a metaphorical (and literal) fag
packet, seconds after belatedly realising that we won’t be here
tomorrow. Nope. None of that here. Nothing to see. Move
along please.

Err… anyhoo. So how is any of this relevant to you? Well it
is obvious, isn’t it? You need to behave today in a half-arsed
way all day. Perhaps drift into work at eleven am. Or yawn
when your boss is speaking to you. Or fart in the face of a
receptionist. That sort of thing. (Isn’t farting in the face of
a receptionist just plain rude? No. It isn’t. It is. Maybe.
Probably depends what they’re doing at the time).

So this is just “Holding Friday” until the next proper Friday.
For what it’s worth – and that’s not a lot – we will be
fulfilling our duties today in as half arsed a way as usual and
holding as many things as we can think of (only things of our own).

Above all, please remember that today is not Friday and therefore
we cannot be held responsible if you do not enjoy this email.
After all – we can only guarantee the quality of Friday emails
and, as we all know, the Quality Assurance process isn’t always
flawless as it might be.

That’s all for now. Normal service will be resolved next week.
As Michael Stipe so famously mumbled, hold on…

Shakespeare Friday

2005-03-18T19:29:00.000Z

ACT 1

We provide thee with this unworthiest email.
This unholy (Mc)Guff, through which we taketh the p^ss:
Our words, a throbbing knobeth, ready stand
To touch you like a tender kiss.

Good people, you may think we wrong the Bard,
But our mannerly devotion shows in this;
For we are to literature, what breasties are to boys.
A distraction, lighteth relief, something you’d miss

We commandeth you to drink and be merry.
Go to thine pub, drink flagons of ale.
Read the tittery joke below, and chortle aloud
…Oh – funk it, I can’t “write” Shakespeare. See the joke below…

--------------------------------------------------------------

ACT 2

William Shakespeare once went to a pub near Victoria station
in London. He’d had a hard day trying to work the word
“regicide” into a little couplet he was writing and definitely
needed a drink.

Bill approached the serving area and asked for a pint of ale.

“Why the long face?” asked the bar tender, wiping his dirty
hands on his apron and hunting for a clean glass.

“Because I’m entering the 4th Annual Stratford Look Like A
Horse competition later this evening,” the playwright replied.

“In that case,” said the bar tender, “you’ll be wanting a
drink first won’t you?”.

“Yes. That, in fact, was what I meant when I asked for a
pint of ale just now,” said Bill. “You see I’ve just finished
a hard day’s work trying to get the word ‘regicide’ into a
rhyming couplet and it wasn’t very easy.”

“Oh yeah? How did you get on?”

“All hope was lost when try did we
To find a rhyme for regicide
'Twas all in vain I soon did see
We all were so much mystified.”

“Oh. I see,” said the bar tender. “Why were you doing that
anyway?”

“It’s my job” replied Bill. “I’m William Shakespeare”.

“Oh are you now?!” said the bar tender. “Well, much as though
I’d like to pour you a pint of Caliban’s right now, I’m afraid
I will have to instead ask you to leave this establishment
immediately and never come back.”

“What? But, why?” Bill asked.

“Because... You’re Bard”

--------------------------------------------------------------

ACT 3

No. Doesn't really work, does it?!

i t h a n k p o o

A Bit of Light Relief

2005-03-11T19:34:00.000Z

Comic Relief is wrong. And not just the bits with Graham
Norton.

How can anyone find amusement in poverty? A recent survey of
poor people (Northerners and the Welsh) suggests that they
don’t enjoy eating rubbish take-away food like McDonald’s
all the time, and would much prefer to be able to upgrade to
a superior take-away like Burger King or Pizza Hut.

We are making a stand against those who laugh at these poor
souls misfortune. (With the obvious exception being the
homeless, who are always amusing. Seriously - throw eight
pence onto the pavement near a tramp and watch them scrabble
around trying to pick them up. Now that is comic relief).

So as a protest we are making today Relief Friday. We’ll be
collecting for charity and trying to raise as much money as
possible without being in the least bit funny. Or the last
bit fanny. If anybody suggests that the Friday email is a
perfect way of not being funny… these people are morally
wrong. We are funny – but this week we’re deliberately not
being. Ha.

Right then, here are the rules:

1) No laughing, smirking, smiling is allowed. The odd snigger
is acceptable but only at rude things.

2) Tickling another person to make them laugh is both unfair
and against the rules (unless it takes place in their pants)

3) You should discuss serious topics like the Common
Agricultural Policy and its economic cost to Europe, the
state of British otters, or the recent episode of Trisha
Goddard entitled: “My daughter is my wife’s brother”.

4) You should drink serious drinks like wine. Or anthrax.
Smirnoff Ice or derivations thereof are not acceptable.

5) End the evening in a (s)wanky chill-out lounge, somewhere
near the City. This will ensure you don’t accidentally
forget the rules and enjoy yourself later on.

6) Buy the Daily Telegraph on the way home. You may need to
keep reminding yourself that it really isn’t trying to be
funny.

7) Noses. Don’t wear them. They are way too funny. You
might injure yourself.

It is quite simply really.

i t h a n k y o u

PS - Only joking! It’s all brilliant really. Please find
attached our personal contribution to comic relief: Comic
Hand Relief. Be sure to wear it all evening and spread the
hand-relief around.

Art Friday

2005-03-04T17:31:00.000Z

Hello.

Just a brief introduction today. Bascially it's Art Friday.

Go and have a look at the gallery:
The "Art Friday" Gallery

i t h a n k y o u

We are not Orators...

2005-02-25T18:15:00.000Z

Friends, freaks and Friday-people, welcome to Oratory Friday.

People – hear us now! We have a dream. A large, delightful
and slightly moist one. A dream where peace reigns on earth.
A dream where Bush refers to a woman’s area rather than the
President of the United States. A time where we work less,
and play with each other more. You know what we’re saying.
You do.

But we are not orators. We can not fool you with fancy words.
We are simple people though not simple minded. We have belief
and we have a vision. We want you to believe in our words and
our dream. Our dream is a number of Friday’s each one special,
and one Friday to rule them all.

And what makes such a Friday? Well, it is like a small oyster:
ugly at first, but once opened (and after you’ve stripped back
the goo and stuff) you are left with a pearl. With enough of
these collected you can make a necklace. Friday is like a
pearl necklace - deeply satisfying, although potentially rather
expensive.

But we are not orators. We can not tell you how to behave or
how to act. We simply request that you ask not what Friday can
do for you, but what you can do this Friday.

So here is our simple plea: drink too much tonight; if you do
smoke, have a least 40; go on to another bar after last orders;
have a kebab; don’t worry about your girl/boy-friend’s reaction
if you stay out late; try to dance like a squid; request ABBA;
go gay.

As you know, we are not orators. But the bottom line is this:
Life is for living and you can have a good sit down tomorrow.
Always. Live for the moment. Don’t let the moment pass you
by (it will only turn round when it’s far enough away and call
you a nobber and then run away giggling). You have one chance.
That chance is now. Seize it. Grab it by the balls (or
boobies). Get out there. Inspire all those around you to join
our cause. It is a worthy one. A noble one. A spiritual one.
A slightly pointless one.

We shall drink them on the park benches; we shall drink them in
the bars; We probably won’t drink them in a wine bar.

But we are not orators. Well - not very succinct ones anyway.
What we’re really saying is this:

Pint?

It's Blimook Friday!

2005-02-18T18:30:00.000Z

Hello and welcome to Blimook Friday.

Years ago (lots of them, ages ago in fact) people would get
together at this time of year and celebrate in a blimook.
Often it would just be the children but sometimes the adults
would join in. Not in a dirty way.

The blimook would be led by the Blimooker and this is the
origin of the word as we know it today:

blimook (bl,ee-m'OoOk) n. - a festival of drinking
involving falling over in a SLIGHTLY amusing
way and talking about boobs.

blimook (bl,ee-m'OoOk) v. - the act of shouting all
sorts of guff whiles drunk, probably
encouraging others to do the same, and
definitely doing everything possible to
increase the chances of falling over.

blimooker (bl,ee-m'OoOk-ur) n. - somebody performing
a "blimook" (cv)

So, we can hear you thinking, what the bottom-juice are we
on about? Well, to be honest, we've made up the word
"blimook" Could you tell? The point is that we've thought it
through (well, we have now anyway) and actually given it
definitions! Blimey, forward planning - whatever next.

It may seem odd to make up and use a new word but history is
full of examples of this sort of thing. After all, that's
how languages develop isn't it?! For example, it's a little
know fact that the word "guitar" was actually an adjective
and meant "unusually droopy" until somebody invented an actual
guitar in 1672.

And that's by no means the only example. The word "word"
didn't exist until a week last Tuesday at 4:13pm. Prior to
that we were making do with "burpy" although nobody seems to
have noticed.

Anyhoo, we expect all of you to try and use the word BLIMOOK
as much as possible this evening. Afterall, it is Blimook
Friday!

This is MASSIVE

2005-02-11T17:09:00.000Z

Big up to the winkie man – we’re having it LARGE!

It’s Massive Friday. Why? Well because big things are great
but massive things are even better. Seriously. Think about
it. What small things are good? Nothing. Well… Mighty Mouse
was good but only in a moral way. Generally though massive
things are great.

As if proof were needed we need only examine the example of
the “fun”-size Mars Bars and/or Snickers. In what actual
sense are they fun? Being small and very unsatisfactory does
not make them “fun”. It makes them rubbish. In fact, what
you really want is a “King Size” Mars Bar. And we don’t mean
“The Big One” which replaced the King Sized one but is
actually 10 grams smaller. Certainly not the same size as
Elvis Presley or King Henry VIII. The old King Size Mars Bar
truly was genius because if you ate one during the afternoon
you didn’t need to bother cooking a proper meal in the
evening... which freed up the evening for drinking.

You’ll might have noticed (we have) that newspaper and
magazine problem pages always have at least one letter about
girth/length. They normally say things like “Is 3 ½ inches
normal?”. The invariable response is that “Yes, your winkie
is within the average range and in any case size doesn’t
matter; it’s what you do with it that counts”. This, as we
all know, is a complete lie. Why would any girl prefer a
trouser-worm to a man-python? They wouldn’t. (They might).
(They don’t).

Therefore our aim today is to make everything as massive as
possible:

- All documents and emails today (apart from this one) are
going to be written in an unhelpfully large font size (no
less than 20pt).

- We are going to speak in an extremely deep and booming
voice just like giants do because giants, almost by
definition (Ed - what do you mean “almost”?) are MASSIVE.
We might even say Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum (or whatever it is) to
emphasis the point.

- When you have dinner tonight do so from a really small
plate and use really small cutlery. This will make you feel
massive in comparison. Obviously this will have to be
followed by actually eating a massive dinner.

- Do something wrong. Not just a little bit wrong – hugely
wrong. A massive, MASSIVE error.

- Tonight we’re going to drink massive pints of beer. Not
your standard pint. Bigger ones. Massive in fact! This
will give make us look massively cool to girls. Hopefully
they will then show us their (massive) boobies.

As an absolute minimum today you should take part in the Giant
Font Email Challenge (GFEC). (Yes, we do need to think these
acronyms through a bit better. That’s rubbish). It will
actually be to your benefit to do this: the giant font size
will increase the length of your email or and make it seem
like you’ve done more work than you really have. Matt used
this technique for his English degree and if you can fool a
Professor, you can fool anyone. Trust us. (Don’t).

Barn Owl Friday

2005-02-04T19:06:00.000Z

Twit-twoo, twit-twoo. Owls make that noise. As do owl
impersonators.

You’ll often find that if you stand in a field near a tree
where owls sit and you’re quite near a barn then you may hear
a barn owl. Don’t be fooled by their razor sharp beaks and
knife like talons – these birds kill things. Hence why they
are lumped (unfairly in our opinion) into the category of “Birds
of Prey” (not to be confused with popular chavy sitcom “Birds
of a Feather”). Please be aware that this does not mean owls
sit on branches and pray (note the spelling) to a Bird God or
Bird Allah.

Actually, they might say prayers but we don’t know about it if
they do. Unfortunately neither of us speaks bird language.
Seriously we have tried to learn it – but we’re both such
“bird” brains it made us get into a “flap”. Perhaps we were
being “sparrow” minded, but we “duck”ed out of the first
lesson early and “swanned” off to the pub instead.

But enough of such dreadful word play. (Editor – yes those
jokes really were fowl… taxi for one).

Yes. It seems a shame in so many ways but (sorry) it is Barn
Owl Friday. Actually it was going to be Barn Owl Friday last
week but one half of the It’s A Friday team was ill and the
other half… well, forgot. The half of the team who was ill
returned on Monday and was quite frankly appalled at the
number of complaints we had received about the lack of an It’s
A Friday email. We got none. In fact, from the odd question
and answer session we’ve arranged, most people didn’t even
notice... so thanks for that little confidence boost!

ANYWAY. This week we have remembered but, after a quick
survey in the pub, you’re still stuck with Barn Owl Friday.
We didn’t know where it was going and, to be honest, it
doesn’t look as if writing it has helped much either. Better
luck next week kids.

i t h a n k y o u

DISCLAIMER: NO OWLS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF THIS EMAIL
ALTHOUGH MATT MAY HAVE INADVERTANTLY TRODDEN ON A VOLE IN THAT
BARN WE MENTIONED AT THE BEGINNING.

Once Upon A Time...

2005-01-21T18:31:00.000Z

Hello. If you look through the nonagonal shaped window you
can see that today is Fairytale Friday!

Once upon a time, somewhere in Plop-plop land, there was a
pretty girl who was almost grown up. Fanny. Her parents were
mentalists and had once tried to cook her in a goose so she
lived with her Aunt Bessie and Uncle Funkle in an old mouldy
shed, just inside the back-bottom corner of the Castle grounds.

Fanny love to play games and run and skip and jump and do the
ironing.

One day Fanny was playing in the forest. They were as dark and
scary as a big woodcutter with a massive flashing chopper. The
woods were not, however, as scary as an angry Hippo. Anyway...

Fanny came across a path she’d never wandered down before. She
followed it with trepidation. At the end of the path was what
seemed like a big bush. On closer inspection she realised it
was a grassy mound, with a small and barely visible entrance.

Feeling slightly uneasy she nevertheless squeezed her way
through (it was a tight) and into what turned out to be a
cavernous underground opening.

In front of Fanny was a wicked witch. Wicked in a naughty
sense, rather than a cool sense. Fanny turned to run, but
the entrance had disappeared. The witch cackled and then
spoke:

“You have entered my hole without permission. You have
violated my inner sanctum and for that you will die”.

Fanny experienced what one could only be described as an
anxiety attack. She promptly then shat herself. The witch
flinched, but still looked destined to strike poor Fanny down.
Then she paused. Smiled. And chuckled a bit too.

“I have another destiny for you. I condemn you to live in
Southend. You shall forever be dating boys who drive Fiesta’s
very fast by the “sea” front. You will talk with a ridiculous
and whining accent. You will be a laughing stock to every man
you meet, and yet you’ll sleep with the majority of them. How
does that suit you?”

Fanny was initially depressed, but she did quite like c^ck,
and thought it wasn’t such a bad punishment.

Moral:

1) Getting yourself stuck in a tight hole without a
pre-conceived (and preferably tested) plan to get out is a mistake.

2) Never trust anyone who tries to write moralistic tales.

3) Hippo’s should be avoided, especially when tending their young.

i t h a n k y o u

Stars in our Eyes

2005-01-14T18:08:00.000Z

CAPRICORN
December 22 - January 20

You’re the Christmas star sign which makes you unique – but
not in a Jesus type way. Anyway, utilise this ability to
influence all of those around you. Get them to go to the pub
with you, or alternatively on a long trek on the North Downs.
The choice is up to you. Carpe diem!

Single: Try Lady Luck’s Emporium, Brixton Hill, Brixton
Financial: Poor.

AQUARIUS
January 21 - February 19

Aquarius types like Aquariums. Buy a gold fish bowl, but put
no fish in it. This represents your life. Then buy some fish
and put them in a separate fish tank. Then buy some more and
put them in the original fish bowl. This will make you feel
better.

Single: Love finds you in the Clapham Common toilets.
Financial: None.

PISCES
February 20 - March 20

A gay will spray you with lady-perfume. It will be annoying
but smell quite nice.

Beware: Fish with tails will warn of dire consequences.

ARIES
March 21 - April 20

A big rising in Uranus this weekend will provide some
discomfort. Ignoring it will lead to a sticky conclusion.
Be aware that not all which glitters is gold, especially if
it comes from Camden Market. You may feel powerless at the
moment to change things. This feeling of worthlessness is
justified.

Single: Your destiny lies with an inflatable product.
Financial: Pints of beer are cheaper than bottles.
Lucky Number: 2.3

TARAUS
April 21 - May 21

A strange wind will take you by surprise today but it will
be okay if you clench and wait for it to pass. A tramp will
tell you to “Bogger off” but he will mean it in a nice way.
Keep away from the edge. Carry a Philips screw driver on
Wednesday. Not joining the Westlife fan club would be advised
from today onwards… forEVER.

Dogger, Fischer: German Bite.

GEMINI
May 22 - June 22

You feel special at the moment. You have every right to.
You’re an alcoholic. Take time out to reassess your life. It’s
pretty rubbish isn’t it? Take up a hobby or read a self-help
book. Alternatively, have a drink since it’s all you’ve got
left to enjoy.

Single: Thank God!
Financial: Sainsbury’s are offering 2 for 1 on Special Brew
Lucky Number: £2.99

CANCER
June 23 - July 23

Just do it. Preferably twice to be sure. You’d look a fool
if you only did it once and it didn’t work.

Your Betting Tip: Heads… no tails. Yes, definitely tails.

LEO
July 24 - August 23

Leo’s are lions. So go out there and get ‘em. Having said that
this is by no means an invitation to bite people unless they
have specifically requested you to. Women take note.

Single: Grow a mane (men only) and dye it yellow. Growl a bit.
The women (and gays) will come running to you.
Financial: Borrow money from a man with a big beard.

VIRGO
August 24 - September 23

If you had a pound for every time somebody said “If I had a
pound for every…” then you’d be slightly richer than you are.
As it is you don’t and you’re skint. Funny how things work
sometimes isn’t it? No.

Lucky Lunch: Have a banana.

LIBRA
Sept 24 - October 23
There’s nothing worse that having your nipples flayed by a team
of rodents but one of the things worse is having your nipples
flayed by a team of rodents while that girl you fancy from the
sandwich shop is watching. The great news this week for Librans,
however, is that you will be spared this until next week.

Health: The smell suggests that you should buy some fresh milk.

SCORPIO
October 24 - November 22

Scorpio’s always have had an affinity with their insect cousin,
the Scorpion. They look bloody ugly and make barbed (stinging)
comments on a regular basis. And no-one likes them. You’re no
exception. The sooner you realise this the better. Our advice to
you is: Just don’t.

Single: Don’t care.
Financial: Strong to north westerly.

SAGITTARIUS
November 23 - December 21

Saturn has a stingy ring and some of it is heading your way.
This should be good luck for you provided you’re dead or well on
the way. A couple of aspirin should help with the gout but make
sure to follow the instructions on the packet.

Word of the week: Maracas.

New Year's Revolution

2005-01-07T17:10:00.000Z

Hello and welcome to the very first Friday of 2005!

Does it feel different? If it does then you’re probably still
drunk. We probably are.

Anyway, here at It’s A Friday HQ we have resolved not to have
any New Years Resolutions. No, instead we are having a New
Years Revolution: starving poor people, killing rich people,
barricades, special dancing and a new national anthem. The lot.
Bang. Bosch. (They make drills and stuff you know).

“What sort of revolution should we have?” I pretend to hear you
cry… Well it’s a tough decision isn’t it? There’s just so many
to choose from? DO you want to have a Russian-style revolution
with Bolsheviks (no – she’s not that tennis player with the
hair and the legs); an American-style revolution with
constitutions and liberty and all that rubbish; or perhaps a
Raelian Revolution which seems to mainly involve flying saucers
and a bunch of gits.

Of course the problem with a revolution is that there’s very
rarely a defined start and stop point. There’s always somebody
who wants to go a little bit further or move the live/die
threshold slightly down the bank balance scale.

Perhaps it doesn’t really matter. People don’t go to a Roller
Disco for a specific reason - they just “fancy it”. Yes, it
does indicate them to be mental (and probably smelling of
stoats), but the simple fact is that they still go. Why,
therefore, can’t we just have a revolution because… well, just
for the sake of it?!

So, we shall be starting a revolution about not having a
revolution which in a very real sense is quite a post modern
thing to do. You can join us or start your own. It’s your
choice. We don’t mind at all. Just so long as we know you’re
revolting. [insert a joke about smelly peasants here].

i t h a n k y o u

It's (not) Friday!

2004-12-22T17:40:00.000Z

Hello. Yes, we know it’s not actually a Friday, it’s a Wednesday but it’s almost Christmas and it’s kind of like a Friday (we’ve done hardly any work and been in the pub at lunch). Anyway, something weirdly appropriate happened to us today. It’s a bit odd (oh OKAY – contrived) but stick with it…

From: Matt
Sent: 22 December 2004 15:51
To: Al
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)

Al,

Can I just remind you that you still owe me 89p from 6 months ago when I lent you the aforementioned money to purchase a bottle of diet coke. I am becoming impatient at your lack of consideration. In a sense you have thieved from me, and I don’t like it.

Please pay me the money ASAP.

Thanks,

Matt

_____________________________________________
From: Al
Sent: 22 December 2004 15:53
To: Matt
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)

As you well know, I don’t drink Diet Coke (it’s a proper noun, please make the effort to press the SHIFT key). It tastes of nothing but fizz. Must have been somebody else. Even if it was me, you’re not having it back. Don’t be such a scrubber. It’s only 89p!

_____________________________________________
From: Matt
Sent: 22 December 2004 15:56
To: Al
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)

.But that’s not the point is it? You borrowed money off of me. I graciously lent you the money. You have now screwed me over. Whilst it might only be 89p to you, it has a significant emotional value to me. Also would you say to a tramp it’s only 89p and then steal it off of him? I don’t think so. Actually maybe you would. Please pay me back. You have been warned.

_____________________________________________
From: Matt
Sent: 22 December 2004 15:56
To: Al
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)

.But that’s not the point is it? You borrowed money off of me. I graciously lent you the money. You have now screwed me over. Whilst it might only be 89p to you, it has a significant emotional value to me. Also would you say to a tramp it’s only 89p and then steal it off of him? I don’t think so. Actually maybe you would. Please pay me back. You have been warned.

_____________________________________________
From: Al
Sent: 22 December 2004 16:03
To: Matt
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)

I haven’t got 89p in change so I can’t. Anyway - forget about it. What’s 89% of a pound between “mates”.

_____________________________________________
From: Matt
Sent: 22 December 2004 16:03
To: Al
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)

Well if you don’t pay it back you’ll have 89% less of a friendship, MATE.

_____________________________________________

From: Al
Sent: 22 December 2004 16:06
To: Matt
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)

Well if you’re going to be such a tight fisted (leave it…) git then I’m not sure your friendship is worth 89p. I mean, really, it’s not even 1/3 of a pint.

From: Matt
Sent: 22 December 2004 16:16
To: Al
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)

Talking of pints. You owe a couple of those as well. Or is it four?

I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS GUFF!

….You’re not. What the…

NO – I AM AND THESE RIDICULOUS FRIDAY EMAILS NEED TO STOP RIGHT NOW. IT HURTS MY EYES JUST READING THEM. MATT – YOU ARE A COLOSSAL SCROOGE AND A TW^T WHO DESERVES TO SUFFOCATE IN THE BOSOMS OF AN OVERWEIGHT FEMALE SUMO WRESTLER FOR BEING SO STINGY. AL – YOU LESS STINGY, BUT NEVERTHELESS STILL A BIT OF A TW^T. PLEASE EMBRACE XMAS AND SPREAD YOUR GOODNESS ACROSS THE LAND.

Bloody hell Al…that was really strange (and not in the least bit contrived), but I’ve just had my inbox violated by a ghost. He’s told me I am like Scrooge for asking for my 89p back from you. I have therefore decided to heed his advice and be less mean. I will purchase drinks for everyone I meet today as a sign that I have changed. However, I have decided to ignore his request to stop writing the Friday emails.

YOU HAVEN’T

No, seriously I have…..

Santa Friday

2004-12-17T18:38:00.000Z

Flipping Xmas eh? Isn’t it rubbish?

Extended lunch hours spent in the pub. Being able to utilise the mistletoe line* to snaffle up a snog. The obligatory eating of saturated foods. All of these are, of course, things that we DON’T DO. Absolutely not.

Actually thinking about it, we take it all back. Xmas is great – and who do we have to thank for that? Some people say Jesus - I’ve never understood why. We’ve seen the nativity play (Hell, we’ve even been in it… playing starring roles as the second lamb Mary’s cousin’s pet snake), but it’s never made sense. Logically the star of Xmas is Santa. He gives out free stuff, drinks like a trooper, has a festive comedy beard, owns talking reindeer and looks after midgets (Elves).

We can both remember, in our younger days, sitting on Santa’s lap (not together) and receiving his special Xmas gift. Usually a Finger of Fudge, sometimes something a little more creamy. Thing is he used to say he’d only give us one if we didn’t tell our parents. We never did. And one of us wasn’t that keen on bouncing around on the knee part. It was so uncomfortable and lumpy-bumpy.

Anyway – what we’re saying is let us celebrate the existence** of Santa or Father Christmas or whatever monika you choose to give the fellah. Sing songs about him at your local karaoke. Wear a silly Santa hat. Grow a beard and paint it white.
Give money to small people. Sponsor a reindeer. Ram yourself up somebody’s chimney.

On behalf of It’s a Friday we would like to wish you a really happy Christmas. Enjoy it because it quite literally only happens once a year; a bit like March 16th – but later on.

Just one more thing…. Once Santa did this thing where he... Oh, it doesn’t matter. Really - just forget about it.

i t h a n k y o u

* The mistletoe line, if you were wondering is “Hey look you’re standing under the mistletoe that means you have to snog me”. Either that or “Isn’t mistletoe brilliant… sorry, I’ve just slipped in.”

** He does exist. Seriously he does. We saw him in House of Fraser last week. And we saw Mrs Christmas stood in the window of Ann Summers for some reason.

Hair Today - Gone Tomorrow

2004-12-10T17:23:00.000Z

We can’t be sure but we think it was Sesame Street’s Mr. Snuffle-upagus who first said “Otters are one thing but beavers are a totally different kettle of fish”. What the hell is a fish kettle? Why would you ever fill a kettle with fish? It just seems like a massively unproductive thing to do. Surely it’s not going to be very good for the heating element at the bottom. Still Mr Snuffle-upagus (and what sort of a name is that anyway) was a big old hairy fellah.

Also, and perhaps you can help us clear this up, if the opposite of dark is light and the opposite of boy is girl, what is the opposite of a cat? Most of you will have said dog.
Let’s just think about that for a bit. How, honestly, the hell is a dog the opposite of a cat. It’s not, is it? The opposite of a cat is surely just no cats. We suppose, if you could create such a thing, you could suggest that an anti-cat would work as the opposite of a cat but that’s just ridiculous. What colour fur would it have?

Who invented the merkin? And also, (and we think this is perhaps the more important question and will provide more insight into the human psyche) WHY did this person invent merkins? [MATT: It was because people in the olden days used to get fleas, and crabs – not the ones you find by the sea with pinchers, but those little midgy things that bite your skin and make it really rather red and raw. Therefore people used to shave their entire adult hair area and attach a suitably fashionable pubic wig/merkin. AL: Thanks for that mate.) Really, we wouldn’t have thought it was that much of a problem not having the concept in existence. There just CAN NOT have ever been that many people wandering around the earth thinking “You know what I could really do with… a big, bushy, fake pant-beard.” Seriously.

Isn’t hair brilliant. You can cut it off and it grows back. Willies don’t do that! Nor do fingers. But with hair you can make a huge error and get the worst hair cut in the world and know that a few weeks (or months) later you might just about be able to hide that patch on the left that you thought would look good shaved.

So rejoice and celebrate you own personal follicles and your friends follicles too. Tie a bow in your girlfriend or boyfriend’s nipple hair. Platt your back hair. Bleach your pubes green. It's Folicle Friday!

Well... it was going to be Folicle Friday but it's kind of gone a bit spaccy. We’ve managed to mention Mr Snuffle-upagus and merkins in the same email. This may, or may not be illegal so if you are a child please stop reading this right now. Whilst this email may appear to have been written by a couple of not-very-bright 12 year old children, it was in fact written by two professionals. (Leave it).

Anyway, the point is that maybe it shouldn't be Folicle Friday anymore so our challenge to you this week is to suggest an alternative suitable name for this Friday email. The winner shall receive a prize of sorts.

i t h a n k y o u

It's All Gone WRONG (Friday)

2004-12-03T17:35:00.000Z

The It’s A Friday team are knackered, finished, kaput and buggerated. Basically we’re both very, very tired. Our ability to write even one coherent rabbit sentence for the Friday email today has been severely hindered by a combined sleep total of 4 hours. (That's 4 hours BETWEEN us you understand, not sleeping together - was that already clear? I'm starting to think that it was actually. Ah well).

You truly know everything has gone wrong when you believe it is a good idea to have “one more glass of red wine" after 5am. It isn’t. We both know this because it is the nineth time it has happened.

In fact, let's make this absolutely clear: It is never good to get home at 5:30am after 12 hours drinking and decide that now is the ideal time to open a bottle of anything. And while we're on the subject, this is also NOT the ideal time to start watching a DVD.

Actually, things had started going wrong last night way before 5:30am. Matt sprained his ankle trying to perform a particularly intricate "Bad Ba5tard" dance move. A sensible person would have stopped dancing and rested the aforementioned ankle. Do you think that this is what Matt did?

We'll give you a clue. It isn't. He danced for another four hours and is now wondering why his foot is the same colour as a foot you would more normally find on a dead person.

So basically, today we’re celebrating the fact everything has gone wrong.

You should join in too. We are sure you can all think of something rubbish that’s happened to you today. Perhaps someone didn’t hold open a door for you or maybe a bird sh^t on your head whilst you were walking along the road.
These things are wrong. Let’s celebrate them – because otherwise we might all just get a little depressed and drink ourselves silly again... and that really would be wrong.

i t h a n k y o u

Dull Friday

2004-11-26T13:01:00.000Z

Croutons are amazing. Have you noticed how when you eat them on their own they’re crunchy, but when you eat them with soup they go soggy? Why is that? I suppose it’s sort of normal when you put something porous into a liquid based food-stuff.
Anyway...

Another really exciting thing we found out yesterday is you cannot fold a piece of paper more than seven times. It’s a well known fact but we still spent an entertaining number of hours talking about this subject in the pub yesterday – and after numerous tests concluded that whoever said it was right after all. (It was me - Al).

We are also really enjoying our jobs at the moment and have both developed a penchant for photocopying. Photocopying is great because it means you can take a piece of paper with writing (or even pictures) on it and copy it. It’s true, you actually get a real duplicate of the original thing you put it there. God knows how it works – it’s probably magic or something. Or just queer logic. You can even make more than one copy of the same thing if you want. You have a choice of paper (A4, A3, other sizes etc) as well.

And you know how sometimes, you think there might be a bird in the garden (or perhaps the front yard or just in some air or open space in front – or behind, I suppose your house), but then you go and have a look and it turns out that there isn’t a bird there after all except maybe a sparrow and that doesn’t really count. Not that sparrows aren’t really birds of course, they are, just not interesting ones that might be worth commenting on or anything; bit like a buzzard. Blimey, if there was a buzzard in your garden you’d be quite interested I imagine... unless you lived in, like, Buzzard-land or something and you were really used to it and they came into your garden all the time.

Well anyway... our usual observational wit and perceptive social commentary (for more details see Chuckle Brothers Friday, Pigeon Friday, Falling Over Friday or, of course, Rap Friday) appears to have dried up. It’s like we’ve just suddenly gone dull, dull, dull – and boring too. And dulling.
And Borull. And that’s not even a word.

Oh thank the lord that it’s Dull Friday.

i t h a n k y o u

Foreign Friday

2004-11-19T18:23:00.000Z

It’s Foreign Friday!

We love foreigners. They’re great – and everywhere. All over the world really!

Seriously - walk into any Walkabout in London and you’ll find approximately 12 zillion of Aussies and New Zealanders too afraid to integrate into English society, singing Waltzing Matilda in packs and saying “Flaming Gala”.
(Note that this is not a stereotype - we have spoken to lots of antipodeans and they all speak like Alf Stewart).

Americans have to cope with another four years being labelled as mental by most the rest of the world, but the nice ones are already making efforts to counter this:
www.sorryeverybody.com.

Europeans are good for having fights with about football... and having wars with.

The world, to be honest, is massive and yet we are increasingly living in a global neighbourhood. The rapid expansion of the internet and electronic communication means that we can talk freely to people all over the globe (except China probably) sharing information, opinion and links to photos of cats doing funny things.

More than anything though, what links us all is the desire to get ridiculously drunk...
especially if in a foreign country.

The It’s A Friday team have made both massive and long strides this week in embracing our foreign brethren. We’ve met Swedes, Slovenians and Norwegians this week. Some of us even live with foreigners (though probably not through choice). Could we do any more? Well yes, we could and have. Check out the text messages below we believe were sent by a couple of It’s A Friday reader one night this week:

22:49 – We have Norwegians with us.
22:54 – Might be meeting for late drink, fancy it?
23:21 – O Bar
03:02 – Error
04:55 – It’s late
06:44 – Just got home. There has been an error.

Note the time of these texts and then flagellate yourself for not having the same level of commitment to foreigners as these people have.

So, go forth, and chat to that weird looking bloke or girl at the bar. After all they’re almost certainly going to be foreign. Embrace their culture by staying out drinking after the pubs have all closed. It’s only right when you consider we have the most “special” licensing laws in the whole world. Head to your nearest pub, bar or club right now. And whilst you’re there get us two pints of Kronenberg (a foreign beer).

i t h a n k y o u

Blankety _______ Friday

2004-11-12T14:51:00.000Z

Hello, and welcome to It’s _______ Friday.

Seriously when we say It’s _______ Friday, we mean It’s _______ Friday. Literally. It’s _______ Friday.
Confused? You _______ shouldn’t be, it’s _______ obvious you bunch of _______ plebbers.

To understand the premise of this Friday you have to be aware of just how _______ our minds get every week trying to bring this excellent product to you.
Normally this happens sometime on Thursday evenings in the pub when we suddenly realise that we have no idea what we’re going to write about.
After _______ pints of Kronenberg it can be quite difficult to think... about anything. We often have to resort to drastic measures such as staying out until _______ am however it’s not clear whether this actually aides the cause. Often Matt will get distracted by girls with _______.

Certainly by the time we both arrive at our
(respective) homes after a Thursday night out there’s barely time to _______ let alone finalise ideas for the Friday email. Mind you we normally do time find to _______. Recommended advice is to _______ in the morning and _______ again in the evening. Keeps things clean.

Anyway. It’s all _______ in the end isn’t it? Might as well just _______ it in our _______ really and be done with it. To be honest, _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ and then _______ _______ with a _______ on _______ from the _______.

Well. That’s about it. Happy _______ Friday.

Anybody wishing to fill in our _______’s should reply to this email. The best responses will get a It’s _______ Friday Cheque Book and _______ (note, however, that they might be rubbish).

i _______ y o u

We take it all back

2004-11-05T12:12:00.000Z

Hello. Can you guess what Friday it is today? No? That’s rubbish. We can.

It’s Back-Track Friday. It’s a BRILLIANT idea a totally the most appropriate Friday there could ever be for today. There is no dispute on this. Well – not too much dispute anyway.
I mean, you could (potentially) argue that Fireworks Friday might have been better. Or even Fawkes Friday. But it isn’t. Well… it might be. Perhaps it should be. No, forget we said that. It’ll only confuse everybody. Or… I guess, well it might not. Ummmm…. Well when we say it might not… it might….

But, anyway, it’s a Friday so that means it’s time for yet another It’s A Friday email! Hur- and, quite literally, -ray!
We send these things out every single week. Never have we ever (EVER) missed a single week. Take last week for example.
Last Friday’s email was truly brilliant and it arrived kicking and shouting in your box early Friday morning giving you plenty of time to read it during your lunch.

Well…. errm… that’s almost true. I mean it definitely arrived (we really haven’t ever missed a week) but it might have been a bit late. Afternoon, to be honest.

Kind of. A bit. Actually, that’s not strictly accurate. A few of you might not have got the email until Saturday. Or at all. Well, you see, really, in truth… we might not have sent it. Oh OKAY – we definitely, totally, completely did not send an It’s A Friday email last week. At all. To anybody. We were both swamped with work.

Anyway. It’s a lovely, day isn’t? Well, when we say “lovely” of course we have to concede that it’s not as lovely as some other days. Some days are much nicer, more sunny and warm. They’re great – except when you get sunburnt. Or heat stroke. Then they’re not so good.

In fact skin-burning days are really nasty, and mean.
Positively painful. Of course, when we say painful we don’t mean the Worst Pain In The World like in a cricket ball in the gonads kind of way. That hurts far more. Probably more than anything in the whole world. Although maybe not as much as waxing. However since neither of us have ever waxed we wouldn’t know. Well, that’s not strictly true. We do know – but it only happened once. OK, twice. Sorry – three times (a lady-boy), but that’s not a lot is it?

To be brutally honest our day has not been quite as good as it could have been so far. There’s a simple reason: old people. Seriously, there was this old bloke in the It’s A Friday pub today chatting away to the bar staff about a right load of guff, thereby hindering our ability to get served.
What was he talking about, we hear you mutter? Well, mainly the price of peas, and beans – and some generic references about how things were better in the olden days. He also smelt of musty old dishwater. We have, therefore, come to the conclusion that Logan’s Run (www.imdb.com/title/tt0074812/) had it right. Old people should be put down before they get old e.g. 40. Of course when we say old people are rubbish, not all of them are. For example we have to admit that we definitely “would” in the case of Lulu, and she’s sixty. It’d be rude not to. Errrmmm… hang on a minute, let us clarify what we mean a bit… wait… come back… I didn’t mean it quite like that……

i t h a n k y o u

Fraudulent Friday

2004-10-22T17:27:00.000Z

My Kindest Friend,

Before introducing ourselves we must request your best, top secretest confidence in this matter. This is because it's so totally secret that we almost can't even tell you what it is. We are, however, confident that you will use all your secreting powers to keep this secret very, doubly secret and do it good.

We are representatives of the National Friday Governing Council Board Executive Steering Group Committee. We urgently need to transfer £6,300,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000 (six point three Kajillion Million Billion “real” pounds) from a corrupt official at the It's A Wacky Wednesday Society. This money was intended for use on Fridays only and we need your help to save it from being used in a non-secret, doubly bad and evil way.

Being representatives of the NFGC, but mainly because we are a bunch of tw^ts means this money cannot be transferred directly to us. We desperately therefore beg of your help. We have been delegated to look for an overseas Partner (i.e. you!) into whose account we can pay the monies into. We have agreed to share the money as follows: 80% for us, 10% for settling taxation and all expenses, and 10% for you. Think about it. 10% of 6.3 Kajillon Million Billion Pounds is a lot. Really it is. Also by helping us you will be saving orphans too as we have made a commitment of honour to donate 5% of our monies to a local charity looking after very poor and parentless kids. This proves you can trust us, as we would be the nastiest people in the whole world to pretend about such as subject. Seriously we would.

Please note that this transaction is 100% safe and we hope to commence the transfer of monies at the latest seven (yes, that is 7) banking days from the date of receipt of your bank details. We also require the following information:

i) Date of Birth
ii) Mother’s Maiden name

These details are vital. We wish to know when to send you a birthday card in the future. After all, we are now friends – and not just Partners.
Details of your mother’s maiden name are imperative, as this will be your password to the account once the monies have been transferred.

We are very much looking forward to doing it with you, and solicit your confidentiality in this matter. You must not tell anyone. Not even your friends. They will be jealous, and want to take the monies from you. That would be bad. We will send you more details of this pending project once we have heard from you.

Yours faithfully,

Dr Matal O’Friday

PS. Please, please don’t forget to include your bank details, mother’s maiden name and your date of birth, otherwise you will get bad luck for
15 years, and lose all your hair, and end up with no friends, and work in a Kebab Shop, and smell terribly.

Let's Go Exploring

2004-10-15T16:44:00.000Z

Where would we be without those gallant, brace souls who go out and
discover new places for us? Probably in southern Egypt or somewhere.
Or maybe just in bed.

Explorers discover new worlds, new places, and accidentally (sometimes)
special new types of frog. They battle into the unknown hoping to GOD
that they there will be a long lost motorway service station at the end selling
cups of tea. For £2.30 or more, obviously.

But Where are you? Where are you going? In fact, come to think of it, WHO
are you?

These are fundamental questions of existence. Here at It’s A Friday HQ
we have already started trying to answer some of those questions. Many
hours were spent thinking about it in a trance-like state. (Seriously - you
can’t shirk these sorts of issues; it would be really, really wrong). You know
what… we got some of the answers:

Matt’s in the pub.

See - it really isn't that hard.

Actually we both love exploring ourselves (separately). To be honest we
reckon it should probably happen at least once a day. Preferably twice a
day to be honest. You can never explore yourself too much. In our
considered opinion, everyone should take 5 minutes out today in order to
properly explore themselves… in depth.

Seriously. Go to the toilet right now and try it out. That’s what being an
explorer is all about. Why do you think Captain Robert Falcon Scott (of
“of the Antarctic” fame) went out saying that he “may be some time”? It’s
because he was sneaking off to the bog to explore himself.

Right. We are now both off to explore ourselves in the pub. It is a
scientifically proven fact that alcohol makes this process easier. Why not
give it a go. After all, It’s Exploring Yourself Friday!

i t h a n k y o u

It's OTT Friday!

2004-10-08T16:05:00.000Z

Hi. How are you? It seems like ages since we’ve written. We’ve really missed you.
It’s been so hard. You’re so very… totally, really, amazingly NICE.

Pants - aren't they great? They're brilliant. Hurray for pants. Small pants, wide
pants, smelly pants, wet pants, cummy pants, skid-marked pants, sandy pants.
Wahoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pants. Yeah....brill ...Pants are brill, pants are brill,
pants are brill.

We like pants. Oh My God they’re, like, so good.

Going on about things - isn’t that great? Especially when you talk, talk, talk and
bore people into submission. It was like the other day. We were speaking with some
girls and they went on and on and on. Didn’t stop for hours. But it was okay…
Because girls are brilliant. Aren’t they? The sticky outtie bits are particularly good.
They’re amazing. Thank the lord for the outtie bits! Whe-hey!

Anyway you should really stop reading this and do some work. Don’t you just love
work? Getting up in the dark, cold mornings; a steaming hang over to boot. Traveling
on overcrowded buses, trains and pavements. Isn’t it fantastic? Doesn’t it make you
feel special? It does for us. It’s super-duper.

In fact, honestly, work is awesome. We’re both going to stay late tonight and put in
some extra hours just for the fun of it. ‘Cos we like fun. Isn’t fun, fun? Fun is the most
fun you can have. It’s the funnest of all fun things.

But let’s be serious for a moment because being serious is a hugely, massively,
incredibly, crucial thing. Seriously: we love people going over the top. It’s tip top
banana. Remember when George W Bush claimed that Iraq had weapons of mass
destruction. Didn’t he go on and on about it? And Blair said that we were 45 minutes
from impending doom. That was brilliant too. So dramatic, in-your-face and over the
top. So over the top, in fact, that it’s gone full circle and just become a festering,
unforgivable lie. Well done.

Anyway. For a full demonstration of just how you can go over the top please view
the following video: http://www.ntk.net/media/dancemonkeyboy.mpg

Now go out and have a massive spazz.

i t h a n k y o u

Give us a cuddle...

2004-10-01T16:02:00.000Z

Hello. It’s Cuddles Friday.

I hate that duck! Remember Cuddles? That cheeky, sadistic monkey who used
to sit on Keith Harris’ lap (enjoying it a bit too much) being horrible about Orville
and almost definitely swearing in at least one episode. We really hope you know
what we’re talking about…however that’s not what this Friday is about.

Cuddles*!

Remember cuddles? We do. They’re a kind of slightly fidgety embrace: friendly,
warm and affectionate. Unfortunately they were normally instigated by distant
relatives (like Aunts and that) who were a tad overweight and smelt of old tea.
In essence, something which should have been beautiful and touching, became
a personal nightmare.

Also when you’re five years old the thought of cuddling a girl was yuk and nasty.
All girls seemed rubbish at that age. Some of them still do.

Luckily our views of most girls, and cuddles have changed. We like both very,
very much indeed. Hurrah.

So what are we proposing? Well it’s quite simple really: you just need to email
someone you’d like to cuddle. Assign a role to each person as either the Cuddler
(who instigates the cuddle) or the Cuddled (who is the recipient of the cuddle)
then perform the deed.

Since the It’s A Friday email now has such a massive readership (this, technically
is not 100% true), we fully expect this craze to sweep the entirety of the UK, most of
Europe (not including Wales) and ideally Iraq. Can you imagine the effect of a
cuddles craze in Iraq? It would solve everything; in minutes. It could be promoted as
“Cuddle a Kidnapper?”. Perhaps get some celebs involved (like Anne Robinson,
Wendy Richards or that woman from the Curry’s adverts).

So – come on, what are you waiting for? Get out there and start cuddling people.
Now!

We’ve already hired a pub somewhere in the UK for 2 hours this evening and have
arranged for girls to come and cuddle us. If you can find it, why not come along and
be a Cuddler?

i t h a n k y o u

* -Not to be confused with hugs which are entirely different and (possibly, potentially) morally wrong.

It was all a JOKE!

2004-09-24T11:17:00.000Z

Ha ha - Fooled you!...ner, ner, ner...You're rubbish!

As if we'd stop the It’s A Friday emails. No, luckily for you we're going to continue producing It’s A Friday emails until we have quite literally run out of all the words in the world. As you’ll be aware a pocket dictionary contains a lot of words; a real dictionary (apparently) contains even more. Basically these emails will never, ever end. Seriously, they won't. Honestly - we enjoy laughing at our own jokes far, far too much.

To celebrate the revival of the Friday email (not that it ever went away), Al has designed a brand new website. It is brilliant - and has lots of flashy things to click on. It also has an integrated multi-media video centre, conferencing facilities, and a pair of electronic furry dice. Check it out (www.itsafriday.com). It's great.*

In order to celebrate Practical Joke Friday you should play as many practical jokes on each other as possible (I always find the “cling-film over the toilet jape” hilarious although it can depend on what angle you’re watching from). Also let’s treat this like a proper, good old, sod everything Friday: take a two hour lunch, send ridiculous emails (erm…), get tanked, sing karaoke, perhaps even fall asleep on a nightbus. Tomorrow is Saturday - a day of rest and CDUK. Hurray for Saturday. It totally doesn’t matter if you wake up with a mouth like an old man's pocket, beer sweats, a can of Stella as a surrogate teddy and breath that terrorists would love to release in a confined space. NB - Under no circumstances tell your boss that Matt and Al told you to take two hours for lunch. We didn't.

Oh – and to celebrate Practical Joke Friday we will be deploying the use of Whoopee cushions during meetings, letting off stink bombs in the work kitchen and leaving a carefully wrapped parcel (with wires hanging out of it) in Victoria Station**

i t h a n k y o u

* Okay. That was a lie. It hasn’t been done at all. It’s in progress though!
** For any special Government departments tracking this email, please note that this is a ‘double’ joke. We won’t be leaving any deposits in Victoria station. Well, not unless we get a bad case of the bum-wees. And 20p to get in. That’s ridiculous. I remember when it used to be 2p to pee.

The Final Countdown

2004-09-17T15:25:00.000Z

"And now the end is near, and so I face the final curtain....."

Yes - we are sorry to inform you that this is the last It’s A Friday email...EVER!

The It’s A Friday team, whilst being literary geniuses (geniui?) have finally run out of ideas. We are a spent force - so to speak. The creative juices are no longer flowing through us onto the screen. It is time to let a lame donkey die (or at least call Rolf Harris). You get the idea.

The It’s A Friday emails first spurted into life one year ago. In the early days they were really, really rubbish; now they’re just a bit rubbish. Who can forget (or is that remember?) Flaps Friday, or Flip 'em Over Friday? They were crass and full of rude references. A year later the stark realisation that nothing has changed has hit us like a big pooh-stick in the happy sacs. We've tried to change our style and better ourselves by using long words like "boobies" but to little avail. We just can't cut it anymore. We've lost it. It’s not down the back of the sofa.

So what does the future hold for us? Well, Al has decided to give up all mortal pleasures (beer and going to Hull) and become a flagellate vegetarian monk. Matt has gone back into Academia: he is now studying the practical effects of onerism and to prove his commitment has volunteered to undertake some of (let’s be honest, ALL of) the research himself.

Remember this is the last Friday email ever, so feel free to let us know how it’s been and what you’ve enjoyed. Under no circumstances will we be writing any more Friday emails. That's a promise. It’s not a joke. It’s real… and we definitely wouldn't lie to our readership would we!

t h e _ e n d

PS – If you feel the need to do something silly this weekend, don’t forget that Sunday is International Talk Like a Pirate Day: http://www.thomasscott.net/yarr/

Rap Friday

2004-09-10T16:20:00.000Z

Yo mummy-bonkers. Hello

Get with us. It's Rap Friday innit.

Check out, like, our kickin' live performance (sorry - we're still looking for a way to host this!). If you can do better with these lyrics then let us have it - LARGE.

It’s a Friday Rap!
Wooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Now let’s get down, yeah, ‘cos it’s a Friday!
Sending out emails, smelling like an ashtray.
Comin’ right at you like “a retarded”.
Hey, what’s that noise? Has somebody f^rted?

Sometimes sharp and sometimes sh^t,
Working really hard to get on your t^ts.
Sometimes well argued, often just rants.
We use clever words like p^o and p^nts.

To me, to you, we all proclaim.
We insult each other but never defame.
A couple of tw^ts, that’s who we are,
We can often be found propping up the bar.

It’s a Friday! It’s a Friday!
It isn’t.
It is.
It’s Friday.
Whe-hey!

So what special Friday is it today?
Come and have a guess, or are you gay?
This Friday is a rap - well so we claim.
But the rap’s a bit cr^p and rather tame.

Let’s make some references that are lewd.
Here we go then, it’s the time get rude:
C^ck, b^m, we^, f^nny, a^se and br^asts.
Oh, that's naughty - you protest.

But you are wrong, and must feel silly,
To take offence at a little bit of w^lly.
So sing along, come on, take a punt.
Otherwise you’re just a stupid IDIOT.

It’s a Friday! It’s a Friday!
It isn’t.
It is.
It’s Friday.
Whe-hey!

i t h a n k y o u
(but you probably don't thank us)

Double Trouble

2004-09-03T12:16:00.000Z

Hello. Hello.

How are you? How are you?

We're okay but slightly frustrated. Most of won't have received last week's It's A Friday email. We've been having technical problems with our mail facilities. HOPEFULLY you'll all get this one. Let us know if you don't.

Anyway, what with us having actually written a mail last week we thought it would be silly to waste it so this week you get two Fridays: Carry On Friday and Seeing Double Friday.

Carry On Friday (from last week) is below. As for Seeing Double Friday, we suggest simply visiting the pub and purchasing 2 bottles of Carlsberg Special Brew followed by 6 shots of Tequila and then trying to read this email in a small font.

i t h a n k y o u....
i t h a n k y o u....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ItsAFriday.com
Sent: 27 August 2004 16:42
Subject: Carry On Up The Friday

Hello Matron!

The It's A Friday team, as you are now only too aware, come into your inbox once a week. Oh - behave! When we write our emails we are well aware need to be considerate and careful. Therefore, today, after rising at the crack of dawn (what we were both doing down there you might well ask) we got straight into it. Cheeky! We'll often bounce around several different ideas, although if one of us has a point to defend we're quite capable of holding our own. This happens often. There'll also often be occasions where we both make it hard for each other....to understand our respective points of view. That's what Doctor Hiscock says anyway.

Another key issue with the It's A Friday email is ensuring our equipment performs properly. (I'd like to give that equipment a servicing). Only too often we've fired off far too quickly and all over the wrong people; or worse still, got it stuck in our outbox. Once or twice we've popped into someone's inbox without permission. This can be highly embarrassing and often results in a humble apology. "Sorry Mr Cribbins" we'll say, "We didn't mean to dirty your mail slot sir". Then we might have to do a slightly odd dance in skimpy underwear. And fall over a sheep.

But anyway, we digress. Today we celebrate a great, British institution: the Carry On film. Oh come on (leave it!) - they were hilarious. Boobies, Tony Hancock being depressed, more boobies, sexist jokes, Hattie Jakes' ENORMOUS boobies, naughty innuendo. You lap it up, you really do. We were going to suggest girls come into work with "special" bra's that fall off in an amusing fashion (like Barbara Windsor... when she was young. Not now - that'd be awful) but were advised against it by our gonads.

The It's A Friday team have assigned themselves special names for the day. Matt is to be called Ivor Biggin (It isn't!), and Al - Akin Kok. We won't respond to any other name. That's a promise. Oh I say.

If you want a temporary new name then just ask.... wait for it..... We'll definitely GIVE YOU ONE! Haa haa haaa haaaaa.

i t h a n k y o u

Posh & Poor Friday

2004-08-20T17:21:00.000Z

"From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs" wrote Karl Marx in 1875.

Elections have been won and lost on the strength of this doctrine. Revolutions have risen; wars have been waged; nations have been divided. Marx also, however, was thrown out of the British Library because they thought he was a tramp.

What can we learn from this? Well, for one thing: shave before you go to the library. But it also shows us that there is a subjective interpretation of imagined social status which is completely separate and diverse from our very real class structure. While the gap between the top and bottom level of our society has worryingly increased, the actual concepts of "posh" and "poor" are, of course, entirely relative.

A trailer park scrubber may well consider her silver-plated clown necklace* from Argos (http://www.argos.co.uk/wcsstore/argos/images/2331870A59IFN105184M.JPG) to be her "posh gear". Similarly, some multi-million pound toff might be heard calling a Tiffany, one-carat diamond engagement ring (£6,525-£24,700 http://www.tiffany.com/expertise/diamond/pricing/default.asp) cheap jeweler for poor, Sloaney tarts. It's all about perspective you see.

Well, despite all of the above, below are a couple of lists to help you decide whether you are posh or poor.

You're posh if:
· You have an account at a delicatessen
· You participate in a sport while on top of a horse
· Your parents are "mummy" and "daddy"
· Mummy and/or Daddy play a sport while on top of a horse
· You don't drive your own car
· You eat fish crap/eggs/eyes
· Your family tree looks like a basket-weaving diagram
· There is more than one separate building in your property/land

You're poor if:
· You think you're posh
· You've eaten pasta without sauce
· You have to put a jumper on instead of turning the heating on
· Cava tastes the same as champagne
· Vegetables are a novelty
· You own more computer games than books
· Waitrose supermarkets look a bit scary
· You sow your own buttons on when they fall off

Right. That’s it for this week. I know it’s a bit late - we’ve been busy today. Sorry.

i t h a n k y o u

*Seriously. I've seen people wearing these things. I know it seems unlikely but it's true.

It's Nice to be Nice

2004-08-13T12:02:00.000Z

Everyone is lovely,
Everyone is great.
I’d like to buy you chocolate,
And stuff it in you face.

Don’t mis-understand me.
I don’t mean to be mean.
But just that you’re so wonderful,
It almost hurts my spleen.

Look at you, you’re super.
I’m sure you have no vice.
And I don’t want to put your head in one.
It’s just so nice to be nice.

Are you feeling a bit special today? You should because you're great.

So what if it’s Friday 13th. The It’s A Friday team are going to cancel out any bad luck by, for one day only, being extra nice to everyone. And because you’re all so wonderful and amazing we reckon you’ll join in. (NB - yes, it’s possible that that Friday 13th would have made a good Friday subject but we didn’t realise that until it was too late)

Here is the It’s Nice To Be Nice Friday list of things to try:

· Open a door for someone (don’t shut it again just as they’re about to walk through it)
· Buy a stranger a drink (don’t try and pull them)
· Go and surprise someone with pretty flowers (not a “hitting them in the face with them” surprise)
· Feed the ducks (bread, not poison)
· Compliment a policeman (do not make ‘hilarious’ bacon references)
· Rescue a cat from a tree (and don’t then take it round to a dog)
· Give your local tramp a bottle of gin (that you haven’t urinated in)
· Tip the staff in McDonald's (actually – that might be going too far)

All of these things make taste better. As God (officially one of the nicest people ever according to What Deity? magazine) may have once said "Don’t be a nobber, be a nicer"!

It is, of course, difficult to be nice to people sometimes - especially if they are horrible or smelly. But don't let yourself be defeated. Be inspired by the examples of others. Even Hitler was a nice-man at dinner parties. Always telling amusing anecdotes (“…And this one time I was at the Olympics in Berlin and…”), playing tiddly winks with the kids and generally livening up things with his twinkling eyes and sparkling tash. Or take Pol Pot (please, take him!). Yes, he was a bit deranged and generally not the sort of person to get on the wrong side of. But get him in a pub, and his credit card would be stra ight behind the bar - and that in many ways makes up for the other stuff.

So please be nice to someone at least once today. Why not arrange a group hug at work? Tickle your Chief Executive? Tell your friends that you love them, even if they are the same sex as you. It's not gay; it's brilliant.

It is the binding force of humanity that keeps us from being savages. So go out, rejoice, and celebrate the good life. Remember it's nice to be nice.

i t h a n k y o u

PS – Blatant plug of the week: top comedy double-act and friend of It’s A Friday, niCe mUm, are performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival most nights for the next couple of weeks. Go and see them. They’re funny. And nice. www.nicemum.com

PPS – Thanks to PJL for being nice enough to provide us with a good title for this week’s Friday. Try To Be A Bit Less Rude and Annoying For The Benefit Of Others Friday wasn’t anywhere near as catchy.

Immature Friday

2004-08-06T12:05:00.000Z

You smell. Of wee. And farts. Oh, yeah… and your mum’s got fleas.

Hello all and welcome to Immature Friday!

Here it It’s A Friday HQ we’ve decided (well, actually I decided because Matt’s on holiday) that we’d had enough of being serious and responsible. Falling Over Friday, Pigeon Friday, Talking Like Hawking Friday and Falsetto Friday have all been a bit too grown up; a bit too clever; a bit too wise.

Well not this week. This Friday is all about embodying the mind of a seven year old. After all, weren’t we all more free thinking then? And, to be honest, poo is really funny.

Skill. Did you have skill at school? I didn’t. You know why? Yes, that’s right…it’s because the conversation would have gone like this:

Matt: Do you have skill?

Al: Yes. I am the master of skill.

Matt: Errrr! Skill is an African bum disease.

Al: No. I meant the skill that’s in the dictionary.

Matt: Yeah – the African medical dictionary!

And you know what’s really great? Well I’ll tell you. What’s great is that I still find that funny. It’s possibly even funnier now than when I was younger. And that, as my hero Tony the Tiger would say, is Grrrrrrrreat!

So today let’s all talk about poo in meetings. Give your colleague a wedgy. Knock on your bosses office door and then run away. Go and buy a water pistol and squirt it at peoples’ groins.

Tonight, after a couple of drinks, we’re going to play a big game of knicker-chase and it’s going to be mega-double-brill.

It's A Friday Link Of The Day: http://www.odps.org/glossword/index.php?a=list&d=4

i t h a n k y o u

PS – Could somebody please email a Bumfor to us by the end of the day. (Go on… please ask… you know you want to).

It's An Emergency (friday)

2004-07-30T17:33:00.000Z

Good afternoon.

Earlier this week the Government announced a high alert terrorist warning. All major airports, train stations and bus stops are being monitored for an expected attack (probably with nasty gas, or nuclear… stuff). Important information thing is to, under no circumstances, PANIC. The It’s A Friday team are here to help. Please observe the following advice:

Suicide bombers

The best way to prevent a suicide bomber from blowing their load is to tickle them. They will not be able to press the button to detonate the bomb. This advice comes from an ex-SAS service man in the pub. It will definitely, definitely work.

Gas Attack

Hold your breath for as long as possible. No, really. And stick peas up your nostrils.

Nuclear Attack

This one is common sense. Basically, wear sunglasses as it could get a bit bright and apply liberal amounts sun tan lotion (factor 40 as minimum) to prevent burning (it says so on the bottle).
Shorts! Wear them – it’s going to get quite warm. However, please, please, please take a good jumper as those nuclear winters can get pretty damn chilly.

If you do not have access to a nuclear bunker it is perfectly feasible to convert a bus stop into one using corrugated iron and plastic sheeting. If you are not near a bus stop then enter the nearest public convenience and lock yourself in a cubicle.

Survival Pack

Obviously you’re going to want sufficient supplies to get you through the initial stages of attack so stock up. We recommend the following (per person, based on one week):

400 cigarettes. It may be quite stressful after an attack so please ensure that you keep your nerves in order by hording sufficient cigarettes. Whilst we cannot recommend a particular brand, under no circumstances buy Silk Cut Ultra's. They don’t work and taste of moose.

100 cans of lager. You may think it better to stock up on water. You are wrong. Water is bad for you. Never trust anything that you can see through (other than your actual eyes). Beer will help relax you and take your mind off your flaking skin. Beer also provides calories so it must be good.

Details of all the kebab shops in your local vicinity. All kebab shops are permanently open regardless of the time of day, or year - this will remain the case in the advent of nuclear attack.

The attached photo should give you some idea of what to expect. (It won’t).

i t h a n k y o u
(and good luck!)

Freeeeeeeaaaky!

2004-07-23T12:54:00.000Z

"Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.
If I could reach from pole to pole
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul;
The mind's the standard of the man."

That is a poem much read by John Merrick, aka The Elephant Man.

In many ways he was right. We all believe that we should judge one another by the emotional strength and beauty contained within; ignore the exterior. Does a person make you smile, make you laugh, make you happy? Do they interest and excite you? Have you had nine pints and don’t care either way?

I mean, look at Merrick’s life. He was born at in Leicester on August 5th 1862 to Mary Jane and Joseph Merrick and lived with his mother, younger brother Arthur, and sister Marion. When John’s mother died in 1873 the intrepid John was left with an uncaring father who was thoroughly mean to him. After his father remarried a woman who thought John an embarrassment he had to survive on his own. Despite the torment and disgust shown by the young and old alike, he taught himself read and write and conducted himself with much dignity.

In many ways he was a brilliant man triumphing in the ugly face of adversity. In the end, however, he died at a young age whilst in hospital in 1890. He was one of the few people at the time who was allowed to remain in hospital whilst dying of an incurable disease. Powerful people financed him. He was renowned throughout the United Kingdom. He is a model for us all of how to live life no matter what is thrown at you....

.... Actually he isn't. He was a FREAK! A freakin’ ugly freak-tastic freak! Let's be honest - how many people really liked him rather than just feeling a bit sorry for him? I’ve heard it was 12 people and a couple of dogs.

Anyway, here at It’s A Friday we are celebrating elephantiasis, bearded women, monkey-boys and people with 15 toes. Yes – it’s Freaky Friday! So go out. Find a freak. Point. And laugh. They’re freaks!

Oh, and they smell as well. Seriously they do. Cabbagey.

i t h a n k y o u

PS - There was a mis-understanding with the attached image.

The Cult of the Friday

2004-07-16T14:46:00.000Z

What a Cult!

Go back. Read that again. No, we didn’t swear (please, please, please let me not have made a typing error). Today is Cult Friday!

Cults are double-brilliant aren't they? Star Trek, The Prisoner, Why Don’t You?, Rent-a-Ghost, Doctor Who.

- Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Doctor…
- Doctor Who!
- No, Doctor Harold Shipman (Ed. - errm, he's not a cult, he's a ...error!)

All of these modern day “cult TV shows” filled our childhood with teaspoons of joy. We can certainly remember, on many an occasion during our collective youths, attaching sink plungers to our faces and pretending to be Daleks. Sometimes we still pretend to be Daleks: imitated their inability to climb stairs (by falling down the ones in the It’s A Friday house) on a regular basis; getting our winkies out and shouting “EXTERMINATE” in the voice of a strangled pensioner. Pubs can cause both of these effects.

Anyway – we digress. Here at It’s A Friday HQ, we're not interested in those sorts of cults. No, we want to explore the other type of cult. You know, like that bloke in America who got loads of people to worship and live in a house with him before petrol bombing the place. That sort of thing is way more interesting. Not that we want petrol bomb you (or ourselves) you understand. We want a “nice” cult: a bit like Catholicism but with less praying, a variety of alcohol (not just bloddy red wine) and carnal stuff.

So here’s what we want you to do:

(1) Create a wicker (wo)man. If you don’t have any wicker you could create a “Cigger Man” out of cigarettes and sellotape. It’s not as rubbish as it sounds.

Okay, it is a rubbish as it sound.

(2) Pray to the God of Beer or Wine. Note – the God of Drambui is a fake idol.

(3) Chant “Cult” at the top of your voice. All day. You may want to practice your annunciation.

(4) During any meetings you may have today sit naked on the floor and hum the theme tune to Postman Pat in a sinister sounding minor key.

Please be aware that, to be fully ordained into the It’s a Friday cult, you must send us a cheque for £500. For this we will provide you with a special It’s A Friday certificate which will guarantee* you entry into Heaven and a warm fuzzy feeling** whilst on earth.

i t h a n k y o u

* Subject to God’s agreement. Terms and conditions apply
** May require alcohol

Fight Friday

2004-07-09T16:52:00.000Z

Myself and Matt are not speaking (see below).
i t h a n k y o u

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt
Sent: 06 July 2004 15:21
To: Al
Subject: Its _______ Friday

Al,

I was wondering what you reckon this Friday should be. I was thinking of something clever like "B0obs" Friday. I think the potential results could be hilarious.

M...

-----Original Message-----
From: Al
Sent: 06 July 2004 16:03
To: Matt
Subject: RE: Its _______ Friday

Matt,

Not sure about "B0obs Friday" mate. I was going to suggest something a bit cleverer; something like "Man Friday".

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt
Sent: 06 July 2004 16:06
To: Al
Subject: RE: Its _______ Friday

That is rubbish. No-one will laugh at an inherently cack play on the fact that there was once a character called Man Friday. I suppose it will be down to me to write the email again with you adding some "hilarious" comments as an after thought. I think we should stick with "B0obs" Friday. They are great, and I like them.

-----Original Message-----
From: Al
Sent: 07 July 2004 11:51
To: Matt
Subject: RE: Its _______ Friday

That is such rubbish. You write about half an email, send it over and I have to finish it and make it readable. What have your best Friday email contributions been? A full stop? A badly timed "to me"?

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt
Sent: 07 July 2004 16:50
To: Al
Subject: RE: Its _______ Friday

You are a cretinous tw^t with a silly bit of pube growth on your chin. Luckily, no-one knows just how much I despise you otherwise this “Its a Friday” email would never work.

If I wasn't involved in this whole process then I think it would be Lesbi^n Friday every week considering how much you go on about them. Having some sort of ability to write and spell would also improve your contribution as well.

-----Original Message-----
From: Al
Sent: 07 July 2004 17:40
To: Matt
Subject: RE: Its _______ Friday

What the f^&* would you know about it? You haven't even been here for the last few weeks. I've done it all on my own. Okay, so one Friday was "Forgotten Friday" but Tom said that was the best one ever anyway so take note.

Perhaps you should spend a bit less time moaning about it and a bit more time actually trying to write something interesting and amusing. You arse.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt
Sent: 09 July 2004 10:57
To: Al
Subject: RE: Its _______ Friday

"Blah, blah, blah".......that's what you should write, because nothing else makes any sense. I see that you have been "ill" over the last couple of days. Another slight cough again? Or did you scratch yourself too hard? You're so girly, you may as well grow boobs (actually, on reflection this would be a good idea) and platt your hair. Look, there is only one solution to this, and it involves me tw^tting you. See you outside in five minutes - I'm gonna punch your balls off.

-----Original Message-----
From: Al
Sent: 09 July 2004 12:50
To: Matt
Subject: RE: Its _______ Friday

Oh p^ss off. You're such a big girls charity-shop blouse. You're right however in one tiny respect: there is only one solution, but that solution is you f^&*ing off forever and leaving me to write the Friday email.

-----Original Message-----
From: Matt
Sent: 09 July 2004 13:45
To: Al
Subject: RE: Its _______ Friday

I think you should p^ss off and let me write the email. In actual fact I am going to write this week's email and give you a severe kicking as well. I am quite tired and pretty much up for a fight.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: 09 July 2004 13:50
To: Matt
Subject: RE: Its _______ Friday

Right. That's it. You're f$%^king DEAD you g^t. If you're not outside for a scrap in 4 minutes I'm just going to poo on your desk.

This might turn out to be a mistake

2004-07-02T14:43:00.000Z

Hello! Look, it's us. We're back... and it's a Friday!

Appologies for our absence last week. Unfortunately it was necessary for entire It's A Friday team to decamp to Glastonbury for 5 days, living in mud and shouting "Bo11ocks" at 3am to disturb people. Actually, what was slightly disturbing were the incessant "To me, to you" chanting we accidentally started (see the Chuckle Brothers Friday on the website for further explanation).

Anyway, whilst we were at Glastonbury we noticed that the toilets were a bit crappy, both architecturally and literally. Bottom-deposits everywhere. This made it all rather tiresome and unpleasant for us to empty ourselves properly. It sometimes put us off going to the bog at all. It was almost as if There Were No Toilets. (ed. - I think they've got the idea)

So then. You will all be relieved (ha ha) to know that today is No Toilet Friday! Now calm down dear, it's only a Friday email. We know you'll be thinking "Oh error, what a rubbish idea". It isn't. Read on...

From the end of work today (circa 5:30pm) please make your way to the nearest pub. Buy yourself a drink. Have a good sit down. Now, sit there and drink until closing time and avoid going to the toilet for as long as possible. That's all. It really is that simple. The person who lasts the longest without going is Brilliant and will be awarded an exclusive (it isn't) It's A Friday certificate.

Some rules:

1) One drink an hour (prefereably a pint, preferably lager).

2) Both number ones and number twos are included in this game. Having either (or a bum-wee for that matter) will end your attempt.

3) Peeing into a container, or on the road, wall or church does count as going to the toilet

4) P1ssing or pooing your pants is acceptable and does not count as going to the toilet.

All clear? Good.

i t h a n k y o u

Woops!

2004-06-18T17:19:00.000Z

Dear All

There has been an error.

You may have noticed that today is Friday. Unfortunately we didn't.

Half of the editorial team (not me) has been away all week and both of them were "steaming drunk" last night after a group decision to massively celebrate England winning the football just in case we don't get another opportunity.

This friday, therefore, is Forgotten Friday. Enjoy!

Regards

It's A Friday (still drunk)

Football Friday

2004-06-11T15:17:00.000Z

Michael Owen...... still Michael Owen... still Michael Owen..... Oh! He's scored a WONDERFUL goal!

It's finally here. Euro 2004 football championship kicks off tomorrow and England play France on Sunday night. Obviously drinking is required to stem the nerves and, if you can get hold of one, it's always nice to have German around to abuse in a hilariously xenophobic manner.

It doesn't matter whether you actually enjoy watching football. You have to anyway... everybody else is watching it. There's quite literally nothing else to do.

Of course there are certain rules to be observed:

1) DO NOT take your shirt off if England score. It doesn't what the circumstances - you will still look like a nobber.

2) DO eat something massive and solid before the game commences (or during). You need to slow down the flow of liquid through your body so that you can delay that first trip to the toilet.

3) DO go to the toilet if we're losing because being in the bog almost gaurantees a goal will be scored.

4) ALWAYS support a substitution if it involves a Neville leaving the pitch (unless it means the other one is coming onto the pitch).

5) Watch BBC where possible.

Now. Here at It's A Friday we know that this Friday is a little bit single minded so, just to even things out a bit (equality is so important)... Girls: this week it's Cooking Friday. [runs and hides... somewhere secret]

i t h a n k y o u

How you doin'?

2004-06-04T12:09:00.000Z

Can you remember playing Kiss Chase (or the more advanced Knicker Chase) in Primary School? I can't. The girls only liked Neil Johnson and James Tillock so they wouldn't go near me.

In many ways those playground games were an early form of flirting… without words. And with more running. And more crisps. If only life were like that now. It isn't - you have to speak to people and smile a lot in order to even vaguely attract members of the opposite sex. (We’ve tried & tested the “sit-in-the-corner-looking-miserable-and-keep-staring-over-at-object-of-affection-until-they-notice” technique and it doesn’t work).

Do not, however, panic! Here at It’s A Friday we have devised a system to help each and every one of you in the mysterious world of flirtage. After all: with our charisma we should easily be able to help you find your ideal woman/man, or both. (Matt – do you mean a man and a woman, or do you mean a hermaphrodite?)

To help everybody familiarize themselves with the process a bit more today will be Flirting Friday. Below is a selection of lines for you to try out on those who you’d like to be “special friends” with. You must use at least one of these today or you’re a bottom-face.

Do you have mirrors in your pockets? Because I can see myself in your pants.

I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

I feel like Richard Gere because I'm standing next to the Pretty Woman*

Your face or mine?

Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

No, I’ve never heard of It’s A Friday or BBDancing.com. Come back…

Feel free to come up with some others. Go on, take the risk. After all, what's the worst that could happen? Apart from getting sacked for sexual harassment. Hurray!

Flirt away. We will be, and why not?

If you have any success please email and tell us. (Full description required. Photos optional)

i t h a n k y o u

* Or alternatively “I feel like Richard Gere because I’m ugly, have a massive nose and can’t act.”

In the Navy? No.

2004-05-28T11:45:00.000Z

Armies they're great aren't they? No lot the things in your sleevies. THE Army. Full of young, virile men with large bayonets poking other young, fit men with bayonets. (Ed. - this is sounding a bit like Special Mens’ Videos Friday. It isn't. Or is it? No.)

...anyway, the point being that it is time we celebrated these brave young men. Especially the ones that put in that little extra bit of effort. You know, the ones who put bags over people's heads, attach electrodes to gonads and shoot children (Ed. - this is sounding a little bit like Cynical About The War In Iraq Friday. It isn't. Although…. No.)

...Anyway. We wish to celebrate those even specialer army types. The ones who do covert operations; the ones who wear special make-up that looks a bit like mud (actually you’d have thought actual mud would have been cheaper); the ones who risk life and limb before going home to roger the missus (or mister). A bit like the A-Team but… no actually not very like the A-Team at all.

SO ANYWAY... The point is that today is Commando Friday. I am sure you know what that involves. So go and get your combat uniform, find your swiss army knife and make a really quite basic rabbit trap out of a few sticks.

Alternatively scrap the above, and just wear no underpants. That's what we're doing here at It’s A Friday HQ. After all, the weather is improving and it is nice to air yourself once in a while. Get rid of any mustiness that’s built up over the winter months.

So let it hang free (men only we presume) and rejoice in a pantless day. Think how much fun it will be when you're in an important meeting and know that you're wearing no grunties. Quite naughty really. Probably more so if you forget to do your flies up. Error.

Forget-Me-Not Friday

2004-05-21T12:06:00.000Z

Blimey eh!! Do you remember when that elephant did a big poo on TV and somebody fell over in an amusing way? Holy Nads that was funny. And what about that time in that football match when the goal keeper accidentally threw the ball into his own net. What a twit! Eh! Yeah?!

Oh yeah. And remember the time at school when Keith Dobbs poured Tippex onto the desk, marched around on top of it saying "$hit, $hit, $hit" and then jumped out of the 2nd floor French room for £1.

Wouldn't be good if those sort of things happened more often? Well, actually, probably not. But sometimes it might be kind of fun. That's why today is Forget-Me-Not Friday. All it takes is a little bit of imagination. We just want you to go out into your workplace, local pub, shopping centre, living room or public square... and do something so unbelievably stupid that everybody will remember you forEVER.

Start planning now. There's not a minute to waste (well - maybe there's one, perhaps two).

Rumours are already circulating that one of the It's A Friday contributors will be getting his winkie out in the lift at work at 2:22pm this afternoon. Personally I have an annual work appraisal at 4pm this afternoon and I will be going to that naked and with an open can of baked beans strapped to my posterior. I shall only sit down when the word "Dogtanian" is mentioned.

Go on. Wear dungarees. Eat a worm for lunch. Draw boobies on ALL the office headed paper. The choice is yours; the memory is for all of us.

Jimmy Mistry Friday?

2004-05-14T13:33:00.000Z

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

What? Where? Oh, those ones. Well I guess they just like me. Oh okay, I carry an assortment of old nuts and bread in my pockets. Asking for trouble I suppose.

Well I guess it’s all part of the mystery of life isn’t it?

Not really no. I just told you. I think it’s to do with the bread and nuts. Look - who are you anyway?

Who do you think I am? Don’t I remind you of somebody?

Well, yes. You look quite like Robert Nixon… but then you are wearing a Nixon mask.

Ah. Am I?

Yes. Who are you really?

Well you’ll have to work it out for yourself. Or ask Scooby Doo. You see my identity must remain a mystery.

And why would that be exactly? Are you trying to hide your quite blatant oddness from your employer? Or are you just ugly?

I’m afraid I really couldn’t comment. As I said. My identity must remain a mystery… however I suppose I could give you a clue of some sort…

A clue? What are you on? Look, perhaps I should just go. It’s lunch time and I’m quite hungry.

No. You can’t. You’ve got to try and solve the mystery of my identity.

Why? I quite clearly don’t want to know you. I bet you live in Camden and dress "eccentrically".

But you have to play. I might be Lord Lucan! He disappeared in Mysterious Circumstances.

Are you Lord Lucan?

No.

I thought as much. Right, I’m leaving now.

Wait. I haven’t told you about Mystery Friday yet.

Mystery Friday? Oh, so that’s what all this tosh is about. I was beginning to get quite worried there. I suppose there are mysteries all around us. Why do tramps always have new shoes?

Indeed.

And why are Cornflakes always slightly disappointing….

I think it's to do with their Frosties like appearance combined with the lack of sugar but that’s the right spirit!

Okay. You’ve convinced me. Tell me more about Mystery Friday.

I can’t. It’s a myst...

Goodbye

Oldy & Moldy

2004-05-07T13:08:00.000Z

Here Ye, Here Ye!

Gather round ye people of special-land. Taketh thy eyes and perform with them the reading act upon the notice:

Why doth it be that olde people always harpeth on about the things being better in ye past? It be because it was better. So there-eth. Gordon of Bennet this is a truth.

In ye (G)olden days, there be no drug problems, no global warming, no attendants of parking, no cars, no tubes, no good guns, no McDonalds, no insurance companies, no plastic, no computers, no stress, no food, no post-it notes... I could go-eth on...

No Bros, no staplers, no monies, no enchanted electric toothbrushes, no spoons, no capitalism, no Chopin, no Dr of Whom, no compact discs, no more, cease, stop thy inane rambling, it getteth boring.

In fact, it be a fact that, the only thing to exist in Ye Olde Friday is the quaffing of ale and the reading of Chaucer. It also be a fact that one of these be RUBBISH and it be not the ale (cue: INSERT FART JOKE HERE).

Letteth us rejoice in ye age of ricketts, unfortunate warts and ironically acquired syphilis. Letteth us revel in ye age of religious intolerance, torture, and middle-east crusades*. Letteth us celebrate the burning of witches because they smell slightly odd. Today, forever more (at least until it doth end tonight) will be known as: Ye Olde Friday.

NB: Letteth none of us confuse the above statements with ye cheap jokee concerning ye lisp-afflicted peasant discussing a green leafy vegetable of salad. Letteth us also not confuse ye mention of rickets with either a footballer neither an actor of the magic stage on Ye Olde EastEnders.

Commit thyself to participation with the following acts:

talketh weirdly and like a git

pray at least six times a day

flagellate yourself with ye olde telephone wire

eat mud and be merry

i t h a n k e t h y o u

* perhaps not revel in it that much mr bush.

It's a beau-TEA-ful day!

2004-04-30T16:11:00.000Z

Actually it’s not; it’s a bit rubbish isn’t it. Not at all summery but not really worth complaining about either. Not sunny; not raining; not windy. It’s just non-weather. Those conditions that just aren’t worth even mentioning. Anti-weather.

But don’t worry… (see you can start a sentence with “but” and it doesn’t have to be followed by “for” or “tocks”). Here at It’s a Friday we know how to make things better. In fact I’ve already done it. I had one earlier. Just one cup of tea makes the world much better.

Yes. Today is Fancy A Brew? Friday!

We want to see everybody making an effort and asking the people around them if they fancy a cup. Of tea. Bum to coffee. Winkies to fruit tea infusions. A good cup “builders slosh” is what you want. Sugar is optional. None of your dodgy Witches brews. Nothing green.

Fact of the day: after AIR and WATER, TEA is the most consumed substance in the world.

Right then. Who wants one? Milk and one sugar for me… or a pint if you’re offering?

The Nation of Friday

2004-04-23T12:04:00.000Z

...And George did go to the dragon and did slay it with his sword. The people celebrated and George had sex. With a lady, not the dragon.
ANYWAY. Today is St George's Day but, of course, for us it's not. Vague awareness of our nation is not enough. We shall go further than simple patriotism... so for us lot today is Jingoistic Friday.

Now we don't have to go to the lengths of Richard Desmond (http://media.guardian.co.uk/site/story/0,14173,1201516,00.html) and anyone caught actually, physically waving a flag should be shot (twice) however a bit of healthy xenophobia is always fun. Boo to the Inuits etc. Or, for a traditional approach there must be a dragon you can slay - I refuse to believe that there's not somebody in every office in the country who could be referred to as a "Dragon" and everybody would know who you mean.

But who was St George anyway? I bet he was rubbish really and just pretended to slay a dragon. Where's the evidence. He wasn't even English. He was from somewhere down Turkey way and the date (23rd April, obviously) comes from Estonia.

In fact, let's ditch St George and start a It's ______ Friday campaign to get a better saint and national day. How about St Winkie? Or let's steal Sweden's bloke and have St Eric (http://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=3168). Why not go all out for it and just have St Donald The Fish-gutter (who may or may not exist).

All suggestions for an alternative It's A Friday National Day will be gratefully received and may form the basis of a future commemorative Friday.

Anyone for St Chuckle's Day?

i t h a n k y o u

Start Again Friday?

2004-04-16T16:27:00.000Z

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, and he saw that it was good. It was from Ikea and looked, you know, a bit modern.

Anyway, the point is that it's not The Beginning anymore. It's well after The Beginning. I'm not suggesting that we're near The End but we're certainly past the first service station.

It's also a sunny day and probably time for a bit of a spring clean. And, of course, this is the first Friday email from the shiny new email address. (Hello to the new members by the way). Thus, we thought "What the hell. Let's make a fresh start; a new beginning. Let's have (Turning Over A) New Leaf Friday!" And here it is.

The principal is simple enough. Just start it all again. Everything. And do it all better. Be nicer. Do less bad, unless you want to be bad in which case be good-er at it. I know it sounds hard, impossible maybe, but it isn't. You won't be alone. We'll all support each other. You can do it. We can do it.

We also thought "I know, let's go out into the park and take a photo of us turning leaves over because that'll be really funny and girls will want to show us their boobs". But we couldn't be bothered so, instead, and in order to get us all going and show solidarity, please print out the attachment and get somebody to take a photo of you turning it over. Go on. Now, before it rains and becomes winter again.

And that's that. The end. Or is it? No. It's not. It's the new beginning. That's the whole point isn't it. Oh come on.

i t h a n k y o u

PS - Probably better not to actually turn it over the printed attachement because it will only be printed on one side unless you're really clever.

PPS - Any comments, suggestions, ideas for future Fridays and offers of money are welcome. Just email us.

Jesus ISN'T Dead Sunday

2004-04-11T17:25:00.000Z

There was an error. It appears that reports of Jesus' death have been greatly exaggerated.

Jesus is Dead Friday

2004-04-09T16:34:00.000Z

Welcome back. The time is just after half past four.

News just in: Jesus died today. Reports so far, including one from the crazy woman with the megaphone outside Tooting Broadway Tube suggest that Jesus was nailed to a wooden cross - talk about symbolic. It is not yet clear what will happen to the body now as there has been some difficulty in contacting both of his parents.

And finally, Liverpool were defeated by Arsenal today by four goals to two, despite taking the lead twice to begin with. Michael Owen is said to have be "locked in his room eating Shreddies" until their second match this bank holiday weekend.

That's the news and sport. Now, Weaselers Question Time.

TLH Friday

2004-04-02T12:44:00.000Z

Hello. Hi. How's things?

Well it's late. It's Friday. It's almost time to go to the pub. Thus, I will be brief. There's little time. Certainly not enough to read A Brief History of Time... therefore today is Talkin' Like Hawkin' Friday.

Unfortunately I think there may have been a bit of a mis-understanding....

Hear My Voice

i t h a n k y o u

www.itsafriday.com
www.bbdancing.com

War Friday

2004-03-26T13:49:00.000Z

Comrades,

We live in a changing world and dangerous times. We are under attack on both large and small scales from all directions. It is time to make a stance.

In 2001, the world* declared war on terror. Afghanistan was invaded. The Taliban were removed (people could finally own televisions). Women were freed (or at least allowed to be ordered about in places of education). People cried but were also joyous because, after all, war's good innit**

In 2003, Iraq was invaded. Saddam and his tyrannical sons (especially that really nasty one) were removed from power. Oil supply was secured (apart from all the pipes being blown up or set on fire). Iraqi's ate KFC for the first time.

Now, in 2004 it is time for us all to make an individual stance. Today is: The War Against Terror Friday. Obviously in accordance with standard business policy this should ALWAYS be referred to using a pointless and meaningless acronym. [geddit? yeah? oh come on. do i really have to hammer it home?]***

So, today we must all make our own little gesture and fight our personal terrors:

Avoid spiders
Shave old ladies with moustaches
Discourage suicide bombers on the train, or at least ask them to wait until they get to Luton
Kick pigeons
Cut off all your buttons (I genuinely know somebody who has a phobia of buttons)
Eat a jellied eel
Talk to that rough kid who lives down your road (it is, of course, acceptable to swear at him when you're far enough away to leg it)
Drink that special, odd coloured drink that has never been opened
Put your hand down the back of the sofa

Further suggestions are welcome - leave them on the message board at www.bbdancing.com.

Right then. See you all later. I reckon if we all go for it together we might be able to jointly overcome our terror of alcohol. It would really be irresponsible not to you heartless gits.

i t h a n k y o u

* Well... okay. Not actually "the world". Just a say...errr.. 4 countries, acting against the will of most of the experts, officials, international community, and (of course) the plebs.
** No.
*** Oh for fucks sake. Okay, it's T.W.A.T. Friday

Pigeon English

2004-03-19T13:03:00.000Z

Dear Special Fridays Participant,

I am sure that you are more than aware how much effort goes into deciding on the theme for each Friday. Every week debates (big debates, huge debates, you might say they were mass-deba...) are held to generate new ideas and discuss the various submissions for the forthcoming Friday.

The amount of preparation that goes into some of these Fridays, and the meetings held to decide on them, is quite astonishing. Detailed plans are made. Forecasts of take up are sought and summarised in charts and graphs. A gaggle of secretariat are employed just to note and minute all the times somebody pipes up with "You didn't!" when the contributor in question quite clearly did.

Anyway. The point is that, although it looks like we've made all this rubbish up on the spur of the moment, we haven't. Considerable amounts of out personal time and effort have been expended on the process.

This week, however, we forgot. Or couldn't be arsed. Nobody can quite remember. But, yes, this week we actually have just made it up on the spur of the moment. Our faces looked at each in panic as we scoured the room for inspiration. Then, like a thoroughly deserved punch in the groin, it hit us. Today is Pigeon Friday.

Please see the attached photo.

See how they're smoking the same cigarette at the same time. That basically means that they're kissing.

Please also make the effort to go and see the pigeons in Trafalgar Square. www.savethepigeons.org. Go on - feed them. You know you want to. You don't! Minute that.

i t h a n k y o u

PS - I'm sure you will all be glad to know that, following on from Chuckle Brothers Friday, myself and Matt have now spent over a week sending "To me" and "To you" emails back and forth. We're going for an official World Record (approx 200 so far). Look out for Wanton Abuse Of Company Email Policy Friday coming soon.

"Come forth to me. Now return back to thyself."

2004-03-12T13:17:00.000Z

That surely is the universal truth. It encapsulates all that is correct and good about this world for it shows the duality of special relationships and their dependence on the point of reference.

Additionally the phrase demonstrates singularly that two individuals may, though working together for a unified purpose, be required to perform different tasks or the same task in a contradictory manner. Yes, it really is a truism to one and all. To me. To you. It's Chuckle Brother Friday.

Today take Barry and Paul as your example in life. Grab a marker pen and draw yourself a silly moustache. Wear some ridiculous trousers. Perhaps fall off a ladder or do that really funny thing where somebody is carrying a plank of wood and when they turn round it almost hits somebody else in the face but they duck out of the way just in time, but then, when the person holding the plank of wood turns back again it hits the second person after all!

Today we are all, in a very real sense, a member of The Brethren of Chuckle. For the Chuckle Brothers are in all of us. They represent common man. The Every-Chuckle.

So: to me, to you, to everybody.

Amen.

i t h a n k y o u

PS - www.thechucklebrothers.co.uk

Bugger

2004-03-05T17:01:00.000Z

It's Friday. It's a bit late. I've bit a little bit busy. I know it's the end of the day, I know you've all been waiting for it, oh yes, but, now, here it is, finally....

Oh fuck it.

i t h a n k y o u

PS - It's "Oh Fuck It" Friday.

Give It Up Friday

2004-02-27T11:42:00.000Z

Morning. How are you?

First things first then... congratulations and thanks to everybody who participated in Pass It On Friday last week. It was a huge success with 30 people firmly grasping (and embracing) the idea of passing a vibrator in an envelope round the office. Well done! It just shows how quickly and effectively we can all communicate as long as it's not work related. Keep it up.

Right then. On to this week and it was decided that we should link today's proceedings to the whole build up to Easter thing.

It was Shrove Tuesday on... well, Tuesday, and so it was suggested that we make today Flat As A Pancake Friday. This was rejected on hypocrisy grounds as it was suggested by Large Breasted Sandra. It was also suggested that today be "Two Days Before The First Sunday In Lent Friday" but that was just crap. Finally it was suggested that, as Lent started this week, we should link this Friday to the Lent practice of giving something up for Lent.

Thus, today has been designated as Give It Up Friday. Hurrah.

So what will you be giving up today? Here, as ever, are some suggestions:
- your last Rolo
- eating meat
- the ghost
- your dignity (some may struggle)
- your virginity (again....)
- giving things up for lent
- sleeping with horses
- jane asher
- drink (obviously I wanted to get a couple of jokes in here)
- the Copacabana
- watching football

And that is very much that. Hopefully we will all learn something from this little exercise but I supsect that will not be the case. Personally I started on Wednesday and have Given Up: sending pointless, stupid emails on Fridays that are really about nothing.

Arse.

i t h a n k y o u

"Pass It On" Friday

2004-02-20T15:15:00.000Z

Hello again and welcome to a very special day.

In an effort to make as little effort as possible we have decided that today we will simply send some stuff out and get you to give it to each other. Yes, today is "Pass It On" Friday!

So, I hear you ask in a very interested tone of imagined-voice, what the sod does Pass It On Friday mean? Well, wait and see what the special santa brings you. You may receive something special which you urgently need to pass on. If you don't received anything immediately then don't worry... somebody may pass something on to you at any minute. Check on the underside your seat now. Done that? Good. Was there anything there? I suspect not - we're not that well organised!

If you do receive something special please put write your name on it so that best practice in Passing On can be monitored (for the same reason, all items passed should be directed to me at the end of the day).

Of course Pass it On Friday can be extended into all areas of life. Why not pass on:

Nits and lice and stuff
Some "Top Secret" information (such as Tony the Tiger's magic Frosties Formula)
A rude photograph of somebody
Your appreciation for a rude photograph of somebody
A tangerine
Herpes
A cat, which you discover that you're allergic to... but only after you've bought it
The list is, quite literally endless.

Right then. So let's all get on with it. Have you got anything yet

i t h a n k y o u

PS - Pass it on...
PPS - www.passiton.org

(un)Lucky Friday

2004-02-13T11:01:00.000Z

Hello you big bunch of plebs (myself included, obviously).

Today is special. Not just because of the fish (although that's a pretty good reason in itself) but because today, for the first time since Festive Friday, there is actually some, small semblance of reason behind this weeks' Friday.

Today is Lucky Friday! Actually it's not; it's Unlucky Friday but I thought I'd try and tempt fate. You see, today's challenge is to try and make yourself as unlucky as possible in the hope that on some other random day you will be extremely lucky!

So:

1. Go to the pub and ask if anybody wants anything at the exact moment everybody finishes their current drinks. Bugger.

2. Make sure that you arrive at the train/tube/bus station just as the very last train/tube/bus leaves. Arse.

3. Play Russian Roulette really badly... with yourself. D'Oh.

4. Walk under an indoor ladder with an open umbrella in one hand a waving a black cat in front you with the other hand. You tit.

NB - I take no responsibility for the fact that these ideas are also stupid.

If you feel as if you've had enough and you're already unlucky enough then you are wrong. Read the following:

Man Dies After Marrying Dog For Luck:
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_862819.html?menu=news.quirkies.unlucky

Now go away and consider yourself (un)lucky. Have a nice evening. :-)

i t h a n k y o u

!yadirF _ s'tI [It's _ Backwards Friday!]

2004-02-07T16:17:00.000Z

.yadirf sdrawkcab ot emocleW

:smrof tnereffid ynam ekat nac sihT .elbissop sa sdrawkcab sa eb ot deksa lla era uoy yadoT

sdrawkcaB gniklaW
.*gniklaw drawrof naht esicrexe fo mrof retteb a eb ot degdelwonkca yllacifitneics osla si sdrawkcab gniklaW .ereht gnieb yb dah ev'uoy tceffe tahw dna neeb ev'uoy erehw ees nac uoy snaem ti esle gnihtyna morf trapA .sdrawrof gniklaw naht retteb hcuM .aedi taerg a tahW

sdrawkcaB gnisserD
.lliw uoY .sdrawrof ti raew neht sdrawkcab pac a raew ,yas ,yllamron dluow uoy fi - ereh noitercsid fo tnuoma niatrec a esu ot deen uoy ylsuoivbO .ti oD .sesnel tcatnoC/sessalG .repmuJ .)woh wonk t'nod( seohS .stnaP .trihS .trikS .sresuorT .sdrawkcab gnihtyreve raew ot looc eb tsum ti neht ,skcos rieht otni dekcut smottob tiuskcart apparK rieht htiw **looc era gnitooT ni dnuora gnah ohw sesra esoht fI .eb tsum tI .si tI .looc si sdrawkcab sehtolc ruoy gniraeW

snoitaN sdrawkcaB ssucsiD
***.esilareneg ot ton yrt uoy ylsuoivbO ".sdrawkcab os lla er'yehT ._____ eht ekil t'nod I" si retrats doog A .cte rotauqe eht fo htuos erehwyna ,hciwroN ,aciremA ,selaW ,ocixeM ,acirfA tuoba klaT .yrotinalpxe fles ytterp si sihT

sdrawkcaB sliamE etirW
(woleb ees)

emiT nI sdrawkcaB oG
*****.stiforp eht fo %05 teg I .aedi ym saw tI .wonk em tel neht eno siht eganam uoy fI

sdrawkcaB kaepS
:tsil eht nwod evom yllaudarg dna pot eht ta seno ysae htiw tratS .sdrawkcab ti yas tsuJ .hsibbur lausu eht llA
tit
bum
arse
bottom
winkie
front bottom
matt is a dick
.lezaH rof eno siht no troffe laiceps a ekam esaelP .seman s'elpoep edulcni dluohs sihT

sdrawkcaB serudecorP & seiciloP kroW ruoy wolloF
.aretectE .yenom eht tog ydaerla ev'yeht sselnu ylppa ydobyna tel ecnatsmucric on rednu dna noitamrofni yna gnikcehc erofeb stnarg yaP .esrever ni serudecorp lamron eht lla gniwollof sdrawkcab krow yadot fo tser eht roF

.liame siht dnes I erofeb siht gniod neeb evah ydaerla lla lliw uoy yadirF sdrawkcaB s'ti esuaceb ylsuoivbO .ti htiw no teG .ti hcum ytterp s'tahT .thgiR

u o y k n a h t i

.t'nsi tI *
.t'nera yehT **

# ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ #
~ # ~ # ~ B ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ W ~ A ~ R ~ D ~ S ~ # ~ F ~ R ~ I ~ D ~ A ~ Y ~ # ~ # ~ # ~
# ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ #

Welcome to Backwards Friday.

Today you are all asked to be as backwards as possible. This can take many different forms:

Walking Backwards
What a great idea. Much better than walking forwards. Apart from anything else it means you can see where you've been and what effect you've had by being there. Walking backwards is also scientifically acknowledged to be a better form of exercise than forward walking*.

Dressing Backwards
Wearing your clothes backwards is cool. It is. It must be. If those arses who hang around in Tooting are cool** with their Krappa tracksuit bottoms tucked into their socks, then it must be cool to wear everything backwards. Trousers. Skirt. Shirt. Pants. Shoes (don't know how). Jumper. Glasses/Contact lenses. Do it. Obviously you need to use a certain amount of discretion here - if you would normally, say, wear a cap backwards then wear it forwards. You will.

Discuss Backwards Nations
This is pretty self explanatory. Talk about Africa, Mexico, Wales, America, Norwich, anywhere south of the equator etc. A good starter is "I don't like the _____. They're all so backwards." Obviously you try not to generalise.

Write Emails Backwards
(see below)

Go Backwards In Time
If you manage this one then let me know. It was my idea. I get 50% of the profits.

Speak Backwards
All the usual rubbish. Just say it backwards. Start with easy ones at the top and gradually move down the list:
tit
mub
esra
mottob
eikniw
mottob tnorf
tnorf kcid a si ttam

This should include people's names. Please make a special effort on this one for Hazel.

Follow your Work Policies & Procedures Backwards
For the rest of today work backwards following all the normal procedures in reverse. Pay grants before checking any information and under no circumstance let anybody apply unless they've already got the money.... for example.

Right. That's pretty much it. Get on with it. Obviously because it's Backwards Friday you will all already have been doing this before I send this email.

i t h a n k y o u

* It isn't.
** They aren't.

It's Friday Again!

2004-01-30T16:01:00.000Z

<< Please read the following email in the style of Aled Jones
singing "We're walking in the air" as heard in the ever
popular cartoon: The Snowman >>

Good afternoon and welcome to another _______ Friday email. It's good this, isn't it? These emails I mean. It's not like everybody gets them. Just those of us who are a little bit special. Some people who don't get them are probably jealous. Except that if they don't receive these then they probably don't know about them. Although, to be honest I'd add anybody to the list if they asked. Still, it is quite special. And I mean that in a very real way.

ANYWAY. Straight to the point (like somebody pushing into a queue right at the front but somehow being unoticed by the Queuing Attendant. Don't you hate it when people push into queues like that... not that I can ever really be bothered to say anything to be honest. I guess I'm just a bit....) ANYWAY. As I was saying: straight to the point and today is Falsetto Friday.

I expect you all to get going immediately if you haven't already done so. Clearly you can sing some Bee Gees or pretend to be Orville The Duck to get yourself in the mood.

If you're having trouble getting your voice to go high enough then grab your balls (unless you're female or have been involved in an unusual moped accident) or try strangling yourself. Not for too long obviously. Okay - stop now.

Incidentally, if you're feeling a bit nostalgic (for God's sake - it was only a couple of months ago and wasn't really very good even then) you can now access most of the previous _______ Friday emails on the BB Dancing website (www.bbdancing.com). I haven't added the earliest ones yet but I will later.

Okay then. Let's go Falsetto Friday crazy. Happy weekendary.

i t h a n k y o u

al

A-Team Friday

2004-01-23T16:47:00.000Z

Afternoon.

I know it's a bit late but the whole thing has kind of gone up in bum-flames anyway.

Today was supposed to be A-Team Friday because the A-Team was first screened on this day in 1983. However... not only did we forget to send a tip-off email yesterday (which would have allowed you to all develop costumes etc) but also Matt has now gone home ill and I thought it was a bit of a rubbish idea anyway so it's now going to be "Make Up Your Own Friday" Friday.

Decide on a Friday theme of your choice and participate in it in your own way. Please register your Friday with me so that our records can be kept accurate.

To get you going here's a few ideas:

- Arse Friday
- Green Friday
- Eat An Orange Friday
- Lawnmower Friday
- Gimp Friday
- Lots Of Work Friday
- Get Sacked Friday
- Fire Engine Friday
- Jingle Jangle Friday
- Duck Friday
- Morning Has Broken Friday
- Shut Up Friday

Get going NOW.

i t h a n k y o u

Gay Friday / Descrete-Fingers Friday

2004-01-17T03:28:00.000Z

Hmmmm... another Friday. Hurrah. And YES!

Actually this week is a double ender! A two fister... if you know what I mean (as in boxing where one bloke hits another bloke twice, once with each hand).

ANYWAY. Going back to the origins of _______ Friday we are celebrating another Gay Friday (hence Matt's t-shirt and the possibility of leather trousers). We are also, however celebrating Discrete Fingers Friday. This does not mean anything dirty; rather it just means that you should spend the rest of the day subtly sticking one or two fingers up at people while, say, scratching your face or holding a book on the tube etc.

So, go forth and get going with Gay Fingers Friday.

Just one more thing. After the competition for the Best Fib on last weeks Fibbing Friday I can now reveal that the whole competition and prize were in fact A FIB. This hilarious joke was largely ruined by the fact that NOBODY ENTERED. Honestly, you make an effort and nobody.... .

i t h a n k y o u

(NB you may need to explain the detail of this Gay Fingers Friday to Neil from T2C - he may have got the wrong idea earlier).

Fibbing Friday

2004-01-09T00:28:00.000Z

Welcome to 2004. It's already a bit dull isn't it. Smell my cheese.

Right then, today might have been First Friday but that would have been un-true.... therefore today is, in fact, Fibbing Friday!

No it isn't.

Actually it is. And to participate all you have to do is tell a few fibs. I've already done lots of work today whilst fibbing.

To get you started here are a selection of 'randomly' generated fibs (produced by the Fib Machine that I built earlier - no, not really.).

Today we will not go to the pub
Dogs never, ever have ears
I have 3 nipples
Green is a better word to use than grey when describing elephants
The air conditioning in this building works really well
Paper is made from moon rocks
Jim is funny
God eats pasta every monday (apart from at easter)
Charlie Chaplin was black
War and Peace is a short, enjoyable read
The softest substance known to man is glass
It is illegal to face south-south-west
Superglue makes good eyeliner
Videos work by having lots of ants in a box drawing the picture from the TV onto magic black paper
Cars are interesting
Arnold Schwarzenegger can act
ITV is the best TV channel ever
The sun is not actually that hot
I have not sent a friday email this week

But enough! Lo, a beaver this way comes. Go forth and fib. And don't forget to register your best fib with the Fibbing Friday team. There will be a prize for the best one.

i t h a n k y o u

Boxing Day Friday

2003-12-26T12:40:00.000Z

Put things in boxes. That's all.

Festive Friday

2003-12-19T16:12:00.000Z

Hi Guys and Girls,

I am sure you all agree that last week's 'Special Friday' went down a treat. Indeed, having seen the state of most of you on Friday, I can confirm, that at least on a visual level you've rarely looked worse. Well done!

To celebrate this achievement, we have decided to make tomorrow 'Festive Friday'.

How can I take part I hear you cry?

Well - yes it does involve wearing a Santa's hat and tinsel, drinking port and telling inane Xmas jokes e.g.

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
Answer: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite

But here are some further suggestions:
i) Wearing mistletoe in strategic positions.
ii) Wearing Santa style underwear.
iii) Saying "Ho Ho Ho" every time you answer the phone.
iv) Pulling someone that you wouldn't touch at any other time of the year - but justifying by saying "Come on! It's Xmas"
v) Singing Mistletoe & Wine repeatedly, until people cry.
vi) Having "special" Xmas meetings in the pub.
vii) Staying out until 3am, falling asleep on the night bus and waking up in Dartford.
viii) Drinking the "special" Xmas ale in the pub.
viii) Spraying silly string, across the whole office, without caring a thought about the office manager's reaction....

I could go on....

Needless to say the day will be fun. I hope that you all join in.

Special Friday

2003-12-12T15:35:00.000Z

Good afternoon.

I think this needs very little explanation so I won't. Suffice to say that today is a bit "special" and so I am please to announce that it is officially....

Friday

Yes. I got home at 5:30am. There was a nice moment when I was talking to Ashya, Tracy, The Warren etc at 4:30am and suddenly realised that none of them were working the next day. I was.

A couple of photos are attached to illustrate the special nature of today.

Being the last Friday before Christmas, next week is Festive Friday. Details to follow...

i t h a n k y o u

Falling Over Friday

2003-12-06T01:15:00.000Z

Dear Monkey People

Following the successes of Flaps Friday, Limp Friday and Bad Bastard Friday this week it's the turn of..... Falling Over Friday. It should be noted that falling over can take many forms and can include falling off something.

Hazel got things going in the early hours of this morning by falling off a wall. Apparently she didn't know where she was going and so climbed onto a wall "to get a better view".

There is a flyer attached so you can get all your friends involved. Also attached is last weeks certificate for the Best Bad Bastard Dancing competition. Well done Helen.

So let's get falling over. GO!

i t h a n k y o u

Al

PS - Sorry, I couldn't be bothered to be funny this week.

Bad Bastard Friday

2003-11-28T12:56:00.000Z

Hello again,

I'm sure you are all very much aware that today is Friday and so the question "What Friday is it?" must be quite literally gagging to get out of your mouths... like some kind of crazy alien disguised as your tongue.

Well, I can now officially put your collective minds at rest and announce that today is Bad Bastard (or Bitch) Friday. BB Friday for your convenience. Rather obviously this will involve doing the Bad Bastard Dance which some of you perfected in Langley's last week. In case you're not aware then the following diagram should help:

In a stunning show of "maturity" we ruled out Fasting Friday (ie, no food) and Pernod Friday (it's horrible stuff) and Boobs Friday (actually quite a good idea). Sarong Friday was considered.

The exact rules are still being finalised but it is envisaged that a Bad Bastard should be performed every 10 minutes by all participants. There may also be Random Bastards whereby participants may be phoned up and asked to perform an Impromptu Bastard where ever they are.

FUK (Frequently Unasked Kwestions)

Q. Is it Friday?
A. Yes.

Q. Why Bad Bastard Friday?
A. Would you really rather we'd had No Toilet Friday (genuine suggestion from Mr James Beale)?

Q. What about flaps?
A. Optional.

Q. How much time have you wasted writing this email?
A. About 10 minutes (+ another 10 do make the diagram).

Q. Haven't you got quite a lot of work that needs doing before 4pm today.
A. Oh shit. Yeah.

i t h a n k y o u

Limp Friday

2003-11-21T11:35:00.000Z

Dear people,

After the incredible success of Flaps Friday last week (which saw Tamsin utter the sentence "I don't have any flaps") it was decided that this Friday should once again be something that it is easy to participate in so that we can all enjoy the fun.

Today therefore, somewhat bizarrely, is Limp Friday. Don't ask why. There is no reason. It just is. You can participate in whatever fashion you desire. Limp wrist, walking with a limp, of just telling everybody exactly why Limp Bizkit are so crap (they really, really are).

So there you go. I personally will be taking part by not having an erection all day.

Please note the following:

Yes, I know that Limp Friday doesn't alliterate or rhyme.

Yes, eating Limpets could count.

No, eating a more general fishy dish wouldn't count.

Yes, Limp Bizkit really are an incredibly poor band.

No, I don't care if I've spelt Limp Bizkit incorrectly.

Yes, apparently the spiney ant-eater has a four-headed penis.

Yes, there is a joke somewhere about four-skins but I can't think exactly what it is.

Yes. That is enough and I'll stop now.

i t h a n k y o u

Oh Dear!

2003-10-31T12:43:00.000Z

This is all we can find of this one. Read from the bottom up.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: 31 October 2003 16:01
Subject: RE: It's....

cos manana is a shortened version of man banana...

-----Original Message-----
Sent: 31 October 2003 16:00
Subject: RE: It's....

How does the spanish word for "later", become cock?

-----Original Message-----
Sent: 31 October 2003 16:00
Subject: RE: It's....

Yes... sounds right. But in this case it's just a rude way of saying a "cock".

-----Original Message-----
Sent: 31 October 2003 15:59
Subject: RE: It's....

Matt - what are you talking about?

Manana is a spanish word for later, unless I'm mistaken.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: 31 October 2003 15:55
Subject: RE: It's....

Al... do you like the taste of Manana?

I have heard that you like to eat them whole...

-----Original Message-----
Sent: 31 October 2003 12:43
Subject: It's....

Flip 'Em Over Friday.

In order to celebrate (and commiserate the fact that I sung karaoke last night) let's go to the pub.

It's heading to beer o'clock.