it's _______ friday
It's (not) Friday!
Hello. Yes, we know it’s not actually a Friday, it’s a Wednesday but it’s almost Christmas and it’s kind of like a Friday (we’ve done hardly any work and been in the pub at lunch). Anyway, something weirdly appropriate happened to us today. It’s a bit odd (oh OKAY – contrived) but stick with it…
From: Matt
Sent: 22 December 2004 15:51
To: Al
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)
Al,
Can I just remind you that you still owe me 89p from 6 months ago when I lent you the aforementioned money to purchase a bottle of diet coke. I am becoming impatient at your lack of consideration. In a sense you have thieved from me, and I don’t like it.
Please pay me the money ASAP.
Thanks,
Matt
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From: Al
Sent: 22 December 2004 15:53
To: Matt
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)
As you well know, I don’t drink Diet Coke (it’s a proper noun, please make the effort to press the SHIFT key). It tastes of nothing but fizz. Must have been somebody else. Even if it was me, you’re not having it back. Don’t be such a scrubber. It’s only 89p!
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From: Matt
Sent: 22 December 2004 15:56
To: Al
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)
.But that’s not the point is it? You borrowed money off of me. I graciously lent you the money. You have now screwed me over. Whilst it might only be 89p to you, it has a significant emotional value to me. Also would you say to a tramp it’s only 89p and then steal it off of him? I don’t think so. Actually maybe you would. Please pay me back. You have been warned.
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From: Matt
Sent: 22 December 2004 15:56
To: Al
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)
.But that’s not the point is it? You borrowed money off of me. I graciously lent you the money. You have now screwed me over. Whilst it might only be 89p to you, it has a significant emotional value to me. Also would you say to a tramp it’s only 89p and then steal it off of him? I don’t think so. Actually maybe you would. Please pay me back. You have been warned.
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From: Al
Sent: 22 December 2004 16:03
To: Matt
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)
I haven’t got 89p in change so I can’t. Anyway - forget about it. What’s 89% of a pound between “mates”.
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From: Matt
Sent: 22 December 2004 16:03
To: Al
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)
Well if you don’t pay it back you’ll have 89% less of a friendship, MATE.
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From: Al
Sent: 22 December 2004 16:06
To: Matt
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)
Well if you’re going to be such a tight fisted (leave it…) git then I’m not sure your friendship is worth 89p. I mean, really, it’s not even 1/3 of a pint.
From: Matt
Sent: 22 December 2004 16:16
To: Al
Subject: Give me my money back… (not a Ben Folds Five reference)
Talking of pints. You owe a couple of those as well. Or is it four?
I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS GUFF!
….You’re not. What the…
NO – I AM AND THESE RIDICULOUS FRIDAY EMAILS NEED TO STOP RIGHT NOW. IT HURTS MY EYES JUST READING THEM. MATT – YOU ARE A COLOSSAL SCROOGE AND A TW^T WHO DESERVES TO SUFFOCATE IN THE BOSOMS OF AN OVERWEIGHT FEMALE SUMO WRESTLER FOR BEING SO STINGY. AL – YOU LESS STINGY, BUT NEVERTHELESS STILL A BIT OF A TW^T. PLEASE EMBRACE XMAS AND SPREAD YOUR GOODNESS ACROSS THE LAND.
Bloody hell Al…that was really strange (and not in the least bit contrived), but I’ve just had my inbox violated by a ghost. He’s told me I am like Scrooge for asking for my 89p back from you. I have therefore decided to heed his advice and be less mean. I will purchase drinks for everyone I meet today as a sign that I have changed. However, I have decided to ignore his request to stop writing the Friday emails.
YOU HAVEN’T
No, seriously I have…..
Santa Friday
Flipping Xmas eh? Isn’t it rubbish?
Extended lunch hours spent in the pub. Being able to utilise the mistletoe line* to snaffle up a snog. The obligatory eating of saturated foods. All of these are, of course, things that we DON’T DO. Absolutely not.
Actually thinking about it, we take it all back. Xmas is great – and who do we have to thank for that? Some people say Jesus - I’ve never understood why. We’ve seen the nativity play (Hell, we’ve even been in it… playing starring roles as the second lamb Mary’s cousin’s pet snake), but it’s never made sense. Logically the star of Xmas is Santa. He gives out free stuff, drinks like a trooper, has a festive comedy beard, owns talking reindeer and looks after midgets (Elves).
We can both remember, in our younger days, sitting on Santa’s lap (not together) and receiving his special Xmas gift. Usually a Finger of Fudge, sometimes something a little more creamy. Thing is he used to say he’d only give us one if we didn’t tell our parents. We never did. And one of us wasn’t that keen on bouncing around on the knee part. It was so uncomfortable and lumpy-bumpy.
Anyway – what we’re saying is let us celebrate the existence** of Santa or Father Christmas or whatever monika you choose to give the fellah. Sing songs about him at your local karaoke. Wear a silly Santa hat. Grow a beard and paint it white.
Give money to small people. Sponsor a reindeer. Ram yourself up somebody’s chimney.
On behalf of It’s a Friday we would like to wish you a really happy Christmas. Enjoy it because it quite literally only happens once a year; a bit like March 16th – but later on.
Just one more thing…. Once Santa did this thing where he... Oh, it doesn’t matter. Really - just forget about it.
i t h a n k y o u
* The mistletoe line, if you were wondering is “Hey look you’re standing under the mistletoe that means you have to snog me”. Either that or “Isn’t mistletoe brilliant… sorry, I’ve just slipped in.”
** He does exist. Seriously he does. We saw him in House of Fraser last week. And we saw Mrs Christmas stood in the window of Ann Summers for some reason.
Hair Today - Gone Tomorrow
We can’t be sure but we think it was Sesame Street’s Mr. Snuffle-upagus who first said “Otters are one thing but beavers are a totally different kettle of fish”. What the hell is a fish kettle? Why would you ever fill a kettle with fish? It just seems like a massively unproductive thing to do. Surely it’s not going to be very good for the heating element at the bottom. Still Mr Snuffle-upagus (and what sort of a name is that anyway) was a big old hairy fellah.
Also, and perhaps you can help us clear this up, if the opposite of dark is light and the opposite of boy is girl, what is the opposite of a cat? Most of you will have said dog.
Let’s just think about that for a bit. How, honestly, the hell is a dog the opposite of a cat. It’s not, is it? The opposite of a cat is surely just no cats. We suppose, if you could create such a thing, you could suggest that an anti-cat would work as the opposite of a cat but that’s just ridiculous. What colour fur would it have?
Who invented the merkin? And also, (and we think this is perhaps the more important question and will provide more insight into the human psyche) WHY did this person invent merkins? [MATT: It was because people in the olden days used to get fleas, and crabs – not the ones you find by the sea with pinchers, but those little midgy things that bite your skin and make it really rather red and raw. Therefore people used to shave their entire adult hair area and attach a suitably fashionable pubic wig/merkin. AL: Thanks for that mate.) Really, we wouldn’t have thought it was that much of a problem not having the concept in existence. There just CAN NOT have ever been that many people wandering around the earth thinking “You know what I could really do with… a big, bushy, fake pant-beard.” Seriously.
Isn’t hair brilliant. You can cut it off and it grows back. Willies don’t do that! Nor do fingers. But with hair you can make a huge error and get the worst hair cut in the world and know that a few weeks (or months) later you might just about be able to hide that patch on the left that you thought would look good shaved.
So rejoice and celebrate you own personal follicles and your friends follicles too. Tie a bow in your girlfriend or boyfriend’s nipple hair. Platt your back hair. Bleach your pubes green. It's Folicle Friday!
Well... it was going to be Folicle Friday but it's kind of gone a bit spaccy. We’ve managed to mention Mr Snuffle-upagus and merkins in the same email. This may, or may not be illegal so if you are a child please stop reading this right now. Whilst this email may appear to have been written by a couple of not-very-bright 12 year old children, it was in fact written by two professionals. (Leave it).
Anyway, the point is that maybe it shouldn't be Folicle Friday anymore so our challenge to you this week is to suggest an alternative suitable name for this Friday email. The winner shall receive a prize of sorts.
i t h a n k y o u
It's All Gone WRONG (Friday)
The It’s A Friday team are knackered, finished, kaput and buggerated. Basically we’re both very, very tired. Our ability to write even one coherent rabbit sentence for the Friday email today has been severely hindered by a combined sleep total of 4 hours. (That's 4 hours BETWEEN us you understand, not sleeping together - was that already clear? I'm starting to think that it was actually. Ah well).
You truly know everything has gone wrong when you believe it is a good idea to have “one more glass of red wine" after 5am. It isn’t. We both know this because it is the nineth time it has happened.
In fact, let's make this absolutely clear: It is never good to get home at 5:30am after 12 hours drinking and decide that now is the ideal time to open a bottle of anything. And while we're on the subject, this is also NOT the ideal time to start watching a DVD.
Actually, things had started going wrong last night way before 5:30am. Matt sprained his ankle trying to perform a particularly intricate "Bad Ba5tard" dance move. A sensible person would have stopped dancing and rested the aforementioned ankle. Do you think that this is what Matt did?
We'll give you a clue. It isn't. He danced for another four hours and is now wondering why his foot is the same colour as a foot you would more normally find on a dead person.
So basically, today we’re celebrating the fact everything has gone wrong.
You should join in too. We are sure you can all think of something rubbish that’s happened to you today. Perhaps someone didn’t hold open a door for you or maybe a bird sh^t on your head whilst you were walking along the road.
These things are wrong. Let’s celebrate them – because otherwise we might all just get a little depressed and drink ourselves silly again... and that really would be wrong.
i t h a n k y o u
