BBQ Friday
Hi. It’s been really sunny hasn’t it? Hurray! When it’s
sunny and warm it’s always nice to take advantage of the
summery climate and get yourself outdoors as much as possible.
You don’t want to be stuck in doing your ironing when it’s 30C
in the garden!
That’s why, as an alternative to your usual weekend mouthful
of meat and two veg, we’d like to suggest having a barbeque.
Not only will you be able to enjoy a faceful of crusty black
meat, but you also get to play with fire. Literally.
So here are the It’s A Friday summer barbeque top tips:
- If it’s raining, hailing, foggy or winter - cancel and go
to the pub instead. There’s no point in getting silly about
this stuff.
- Do NOT use petrol to help start your bbq, especially if
you like your face and/or limbs.
- DO expect to sit around for hours whilst your vague attempts
at “getting the barbeque going” are less than successful.
Obviously make sure you are drinking heavily during this stage.
- Do NOT buy cheap, Scrubbers ‘R’ Us sausages or burgers.
They taste like poo
- DO make a salad to go with your BBQ food. No-one will eat it
but they will expect to see it.
To give you a bit of a head start we also present our simple
It’s A Friday barbeque sausage recipe which you can use to
impress your mates (if you have any - we don’t):
1. Take your meaty, pork sausage and rub between your hands to
firm it up.
2. Cover the sausage in honey (and mustard if you’re feeling
daring) and make sure it is nice and slippery
4. Cook sausage. (sorry - no innuendo here)
5. Get your baps out. Squeeze them gentle to ensure they are
soft.
6. Insert the firm, slippery sausage liberally into the baps.
7. Take your time positioning the sausage. Do this by moving it
up and down in a rhythmical fashion.
8. Add mayonnaise. Careful here as introducing mayonnaise too
early could result in a disappointing experience.
And there you go. Burger me!
Of course by the time you read this our brief spell of summer
will probably have finished and we’ll all be legging it to get
out of the torrential rain, lightning, tornadoes and golf ball
sized hail stones.
Happy barbequing.
Choose Your Own Adventure
Hello and welcome to Choose Your Own Adventure Friday! The
principal is simple. You read, you choose, you have a Friday
adventure. Exactly like those books you might have had when
you were younger.
Let's begin!
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1. You leave work at 5:29, and venture out into the pollution
hazed sun. On your right is a throng of people standing outside
the pub enjoying a cold pint in the summer warmth. On your left
there isn’t – there’s a deserted street that leads you to the
tube station.
- If you want to go the pub then go to no. 2.
- If you want to head down the deserted street towards the
tube station go to no. 3
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2. You make an error and go to the pub. It’s packed and you’re
necking pints as if they’re going out of fashion – even though
they’re not (booze is the new black). You have a conversation
about a crab with special needs. Suddenly you realise it is
9pm and that you’d promised to go home (by 8pm) and help your
flatmates tidy the house.
- If you want to stay at the pub and s0d your co-habitual
acquaintances then go to no. 4
- If you want to leave the pub then go to no. 5
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3. You turn your back on the pub and walk down the empty street.
From almost nowhere (although obviously not literally nowhere
as that would be ridiculous, not to mention highly unlikely) an
ice cream van drives round the corner and runs you over. A lot.
The last thing you hear is Green Sleeves playing on an
unrealistic bell-type-noise. The End.
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4. You’ve made a good choice. Suddenly, from nowhere, a foxy
young girl/boy/actual fox comes over to you. (Ed - Because we
can’t be bothered to type she/he/it every time we will just use
“she” from now on but you get the idea.). She starts talking to
you. You can barely get a word in edgeways. Suddenly she stops
talking.
- If you want to make lewd jokes and talk about bottoms,
winkies and bo0bs then go to 6.
- If you want to regale her with a charming and witty tale
then go to 7.
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5. You leave the pub, and amble your way home. You arrive at
your house. No-one is in. You can get a phone call, it’s your
flatmates. They have been playing a joke, and point out that
you are a t&t for believing that anyone would tidy a house on
a Friday. You feel dejected, and sit down to watch TV. You
flick the channels and settle on Big Brother. Life can’t get
any worse than this. You turn over and realise Celebrity Love
Island is on and you realise it can. You’ve made a massive
(bad) error, and ruined your Friday. The End.
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6. She laughs like a drain at your rudeness and within ten
minutes suggests going back to your place. She also, rather
intriguingly, tells you that she has a tub of chocolate spread
in her bag. As you are pondering the decision your mate rushes
over and says the rest of the group are off to a club.
- If you want to tell the foxy girl/boy/actual fox to come
with you to the club then go to 8.
- If you want to ignore your mates and the prospect of more
alcohol and be a s0d and go home with the girl (who seems to
be gagging for it) then go to 9.
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7. You stumble around your words as you desperately try to look
cool and clever. She looks at you with distain as you pontificate
about the satirical implications of Celebrity Love Island. It’s
all gone wrong. She walks off, and starts chatting to your mate.
Within seconds she is snogging him. Two minutes later they head
off home together. You leave; dejected. On the way home the
train breaks down. It’s not been a good end to the evening.
Once back at your house you microwave a meal for one and feel
quite lonely. You don’t know it, but tomorrow you’ll trip over
a tramp on the way back from Sainsbury’s. The End.
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8. The girl smiles. “Good choice” she says. I wasn’t really
going to go back to yours. It was a test to see if you valued
your friends. You head off to the club and get twuntted with
her and your mates. You have a great time. At one point you
even get away with tweaking her nipple as if it were a radio
tuning device because she thinks it’s funny. The club shuts.
She turns to you and says “I will come back yours, I still
have chocolate spread, and can my Swedish friend come too?”
Your whole body spasms; one part in particular. You head back
to your flat, find a winning lottery ticket, receive a phone
call asking you to take over from George Bush because the
American Judiciary have finally realised what an @rse he is,
and you invent a new source of infinite, clean power for the
world that costs 82 pence per year to run. You’ve done well.
And Dr Who is on tomorrow! The End.
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9. She frowns at you, and says “Clearly since you don’t value
your friends, you wouldn’t value me”. You realise you’ve
errored. HUGELY. Woops. It was a test and you failed. Dejected
you head home. She goes to Bar Motion with your ex-mates. In
the morning you discover that she got (good) dirty with your
best friend. You are gutted, although things take a turn for
the worse when you discover she also invited her Swedish mate
to join in the fun. You turn on the computer to check your
email and find the “It’s A Friday” email waiting for you. It’s
going to be a bad weekend. The End.
Charity Wristband Friday
Has anybody got a rubber?
No, not a Johnny. Or an eraser. We mean a rubber band.
Anyway – we’ve got one… each. You should get one too.
You know all those coloured, charity wristbands that everyone seems to be wearing at the minute? Well, we’ve decided that it’s time we aimed for big time so we’ve made our own It’s A Friday wristbands. To be more specific, what we’ve actually done is steal a few elastic bands form the office stationary cupboard, write “It’s A Friday” on them, and put them on our wrists.
S0d all this branded charity stuff and get back to basics – just a simple, brown elastic band. We want them to be a symbol of independence and freedom…. And of being silly and getting drunk on a Friday.
You can wear them anywhere you want:
- round your wrist
- round your ankle
- as a rubbish retro-style belt
- on your winkie
- perhaps round a collection of skinny weasles to keep them in an orderly fashion.
It’s up to you really just so long as you do it and it’s SPECIAL.
Know it all Friday
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I’ve just finished learning all the things in the world!”
“Really?”
“Yes. I now know EVERYTHING.”
“Like what?”
“Erm.. well, I dunno.”
“Thanks.”
Some people think they know everything. Real know-it-alls.
They charge through life never questioning themselves because they are confident in the knowledge that they are right; never listening because they already know what they’re being told; never stopping to ask anything because… well why would they.
In short - people like us.
In case some of you are not blessed with this ‘gift’ we should probably tell you that today is Know It All Friday. Not being as clever as us means you won’t have realised this.
Not sure whether you are a know-it-all? Well, check whether you know these facts:
- The spiny ant-eater has a 4-headed winkie
- Peanuts are not nuts. This, presumably, means people with nut allergies can eat them.*
- Pineapples grow from the bottom on short stalks and look rather ridiculous.
- Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only
206 in our bodies.
- In Oregon it is against the law for bears to tear bark off of trees in tree plantations owned by lumber companies - something they do in the springtime to give them access to sap, for an energy boost after their winter's hibernation.
Punishment for breaking this law is death. 113 bears were executed last year for this offence.
- The longest recorded flight of a domestic chicken is 13 seconds.
- Amish people do not believe in the use of aerosol air fresheners. This means they are gay.
- India has the most post offices in the world.
- The most popular grown bulbs are tulips.
- There was a 19th century Native American tribal chief who went under the name, "Not Able to Fornicate."
- Etc etc etc (note – this is not a fact)
If there was anything here that you didn’t know then you weren’t a know-it-all. But, of course, you might be now! It rather depends on whether there’s anything else you don’t know. Have a think. Are you a know-it-all? Yes or no? Or perhaps you don’t know.
i t h a n k y o u
* We take no responsibility for any deaths or injuries sustained as a result of this statement.
