it's _______ friday
We are not Orators...
Friends, freaks and Friday-people, welcome to Oratory Friday.
People – hear us now! We have a dream. A large, delightful
and slightly moist one. A dream where peace reigns on earth.
A dream where Bush refers to a woman’s area rather than the
President of the United States. A time where we work less,
and play with each other more. You know what we’re saying.
You do.
But we are not orators. We can not fool you with fancy words.
We are simple people though not simple minded. We have belief
and we have a vision. We want you to believe in our words and
our dream. Our dream is a number of Friday’s each one special,
and one Friday to rule them all.
And what makes such a Friday? Well, it is like a small oyster:
ugly at first, but once opened (and after you’ve stripped back
the goo and stuff) you are left with a pearl. With enough of
these collected you can make a necklace. Friday is like a
pearl necklace - deeply satisfying, although potentially rather
expensive.
But we are not orators. We can not tell you how to behave or
how to act. We simply request that you ask not what Friday can
do for you, but what you can do this Friday.
So here is our simple plea: drink too much tonight; if you do
smoke, have a least 40; go on to another bar after last orders;
have a kebab; don’t worry about your girl/boy-friend’s reaction
if you stay out late; try to dance like a squid; request ABBA;
go gay.
As you know, we are not orators. But the bottom line is this:
Life is for living and you can have a good sit down tomorrow.
Always. Live for the moment. Don’t let the moment pass you
by (it will only turn round when it’s far enough away and call
you a nobber and then run away giggling). You have one chance.
That chance is now. Seize it. Grab it by the balls (or
boobies). Get out there. Inspire all those around you to join
our cause. It is a worthy one. A noble one. A spiritual one.
A slightly pointless one.
We shall drink them on the park benches; we shall drink them in
the bars; We probably won’t drink them in a wine bar.
But we are not orators. Well - not very succinct ones anyway.
What we’re really saying is this:
Pint?
It's Blimook Friday!
Hello and welcome to Blimook Friday.
Years ago (lots of them, ages ago in fact) people would get
together at this time of year and celebrate in a blimook.
Often it would just be the children but sometimes the adults
would join in. Not in a dirty way.
The blimook would be led by the Blimooker and this is the
origin of the word as we know it today:
blimook (bl,ee-m'OoOk) n. - a festival of drinking
involving falling over in a SLIGHTLY amusing
way and talking about boobs.
blimook (bl,ee-m'OoOk) v. - the act of shouting all
sorts of guff whiles drunk, probably
encouraging others to do the same, and
definitely doing everything possible to
increase the chances of falling over.
blimooker (bl,ee-m'OoOk-ur) n. - somebody performing
a "blimook" (cv)
So, we can hear you thinking, what the bottom-juice are we
on about? Well, to be honest, we've made up the word
"blimook" Could you tell? The point is that we've thought it
through (well, we have now anyway) and actually given it
definitions! Blimey, forward planning - whatever next.
It may seem odd to make up and use a new word but history is
full of examples of this sort of thing. After all, that's
how languages develop isn't it?! For example, it's a little
know fact that the word "guitar" was actually an adjective
and meant "unusually droopy" until somebody invented an actual
guitar in 1672.
And that's by no means the only example. The word "word"
didn't exist until a week last Tuesday at 4:13pm. Prior to
that we were making do with "burpy" although nobody seems to
have noticed.
Anyhoo, we expect all of you to try and use the word BLIMOOK
as much as possible this evening. Afterall, it is Blimook
Friday!
This is MASSIVE
Big up to the winkie man – we’re having it LARGE!
It’s Massive Friday. Why? Well because big things are great
but massive things are even better. Seriously. Think about
it. What small things are good? Nothing. Well… Mighty Mouse
was good but only in a moral way. Generally though massive
things are great.
As if proof were needed we need only examine the example of
the “fun”-size Mars Bars and/or Snickers. In what actual
sense are they fun? Being small and very unsatisfactory does
not make them “fun”. It makes them rubbish. In fact, what
you really want is a “King Size” Mars Bar. And we don’t mean
“The Big One” which replaced the King Sized one but is
actually 10 grams smaller. Certainly not the same size as
Elvis Presley or King Henry VIII. The old King Size Mars Bar
truly was genius because if you ate one during the afternoon
you didn’t need to bother cooking a proper meal in the
evening... which freed up the evening for drinking.
You’ll might have noticed (we have) that newspaper and
magazine problem pages always have at least one letter about
girth/length. They normally say things like “Is 3 ½ inches
normal?”. The invariable response is that “Yes, your winkie
is within the average range and in any case size doesn’t
matter; it’s what you do with it that counts”. This, as we
all know, is a complete lie. Why would any girl prefer a
trouser-worm to a man-python? They wouldn’t. (They might).
(They don’t).
Therefore our aim today is to make everything as massive as
possible:
- All documents and emails today (apart from this one) are
going to be written in an unhelpfully large font size (no
less than 20pt).
- We are going to speak in an extremely deep and booming
voice just like giants do because giants, almost by
definition (Ed - what do you mean “almost”?) are MASSIVE.
We might even say Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum (or whatever it is) to
emphasis the point.
- When you have dinner tonight do so from a really small
plate and use really small cutlery. This will make you feel
massive in comparison. Obviously this will have to be
followed by actually eating a massive dinner.
- Do something wrong. Not just a little bit wrong – hugely
wrong. A massive, MASSIVE error.
- Tonight we’re going to drink massive pints of beer. Not
your standard pint. Bigger ones. Massive in fact! This
will give make us look massively cool to girls. Hopefully
they will then show us their (massive) boobies.
As an absolute minimum today you should take part in the Giant
Font Email Challenge (GFEC). (Yes, we do need to think these
acronyms through a bit better. That’s rubbish). It will
actually be to your benefit to do this: the giant font size
will increase the length of your email or and make it seem
like you’ve done more work than you really have. Matt used
this technique for his English degree and if you can fool a
Professor, you can fool anyone. Trust us. (Don’t).
Barn Owl Friday
Twit-twoo, twit-twoo. Owls make that noise. As do owl
impersonators.
You’ll often find that if you stand in a field near a tree
where owls sit and you’re quite near a barn then you may hear
a barn owl. Don’t be fooled by their razor sharp beaks and
knife like talons – these birds kill things. Hence why they
are lumped (unfairly in our opinion) into the category of “Birds
of Prey” (not to be confused with popular chavy sitcom “Birds
of a Feather”). Please be aware that this does not mean owls
sit on branches and pray (note the spelling) to a Bird God or
Bird Allah.
Actually, they might say prayers but we don’t know about it if
they do. Unfortunately neither of us speaks bird language.
Seriously we have tried to learn it – but we’re both such
“bird” brains it made us get into a “flap”. Perhaps we were
being “sparrow” minded, but we “duck”ed out of the first
lesson early and “swanned” off to the pub instead.
But enough of such dreadful word play. (Editor – yes those
jokes really were fowl… taxi for one).
Yes. It seems a shame in so many ways but (sorry) it is Barn
Owl Friday. Actually it was going to be Barn Owl Friday last
week but one half of the It’s A Friday team was ill and the
other half… well, forgot. The half of the team who was ill
returned on Monday and was quite frankly appalled at the
number of complaints we had received about the lack of an It’s
A Friday email. We got none. In fact, from the odd question
and answer session we’ve arranged, most people didn’t even
notice... so thanks for that little confidence boost!
ANYWAY. This week we have remembered but, after a quick
survey in the pub, you’re still stuck with Barn Owl Friday.
We didn’t know where it was going and, to be honest, it
doesn’t look as if writing it has helped much either. Better
luck next week kids.
i t h a n k y o u
DISCLAIMER: NO OWLS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF THIS EMAIL
ALTHOUGH MATT MAY HAVE INADVERTANTLY TRODDEN ON A VOLE IN THAT
BARN WE MENTIONED AT THE BEGINNING.
