it's _______ friday
Holding Friday
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I t ' s A F r i d a y
- - - - - - - - - - - “almost funny" - - - - - - - - - - -
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You may have noticed that today is not Friday. It’s A Thursday.
Whilst Thursday has been called “the new Friday” this doesn’t
actually make it a Friday. No, not by a long way. This has
left us in a quandary. (It’s okay though, we’ve managed to mine
some slate). Since tomorrow is a holiday rather than a work day
we won’t have time to send an email because neither of us is
likely to be awake before 5pm. Although please do not mistake
the previous sentence as an inference that we share a bed
together. We don’t. At least very, VERY rarely.
So, with no email tomorrow, this (in a sense) is a temporary,
Holding (Friday) Email. You know: the sort of thing issued when
an MP has been caught in a park applying baby oil to a Thai
lady-boy. The holding email or “statement” in its loosest sense
is basically a generic, wishy-washy piece of writing to cover
people’s back-sides while they write something proper. Of
course, we won’t be doing this. We have a fully thought out,
well planned and patiently written email for you. Definitely
not the sort of thing that’s been thrown together in a couple
of minutes on the back of a metaphorical (and literal) fag
packet, seconds after belatedly realising that we won’t be here
tomorrow. Nope. None of that here. Nothing to see. Move
along please.
Err… anyhoo. So how is any of this relevant to you? Well it
is obvious, isn’t it? You need to behave today in a half-arsed
way all day. Perhaps drift into work at eleven am. Or yawn
when your boss is speaking to you. Or fart in the face of a
receptionist. That sort of thing. (Isn’t farting in the face of
a receptionist just plain rude? No. It isn’t. It is. Maybe.
Probably depends what they’re doing at the time).
So this is just “Holding Friday” until the next proper Friday.
For what it’s worth – and that’s not a lot – we will be
fulfilling our duties today in as half arsed a way as usual and
holding as many things as we can think of (only things of our own).
Above all, please remember that today is not Friday and therefore
we cannot be held responsible if you do not enjoy this email.
After all – we can only guarantee the quality of Friday emails
and, as we all know, the Quality Assurance process isn’t always
flawless as it might be.
That’s all for now. Normal service will be resolved next week.
As Michael Stipe so famously mumbled, hold on…
Shakespeare Friday
ACT 1
We provide thee with this unworthiest email.
This unholy (Mc)Guff, through which we taketh the p^ss:
Our words, a throbbing knobeth, ready stand
To touch you like a tender kiss.
Good people, you may think we wrong the Bard,
But our mannerly devotion shows in this;
For we are to literature, what breasties are to boys.
A distraction, lighteth relief, something you’d miss
We commandeth you to drink and be merry.
Go to thine pub, drink flagons of ale.
Read the tittery joke below, and chortle aloud
…Oh – funk it, I can’t “write” Shakespeare. See the joke below…
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ACT 2
William Shakespeare once went to a pub near Victoria station
in London. He’d had a hard day trying to work the word
“regicide” into a little couplet he was writing and definitely
needed a drink.
Bill approached the serving area and asked for a pint of ale.
“Why the long face?” asked the bar tender, wiping his dirty
hands on his apron and hunting for a clean glass.
“Because I’m entering the 4th Annual Stratford Look Like A
Horse competition later this evening,” the playwright replied.
“In that case,” said the bar tender, “you’ll be wanting a
drink first won’t you?”.
“Yes. That, in fact, was what I meant when I asked for a
pint of ale just now,” said Bill. “You see I’ve just finished
a hard day’s work trying to get the word ‘regicide’ into a
rhyming couplet and it wasn’t very easy.”
“Oh yeah? How did you get on?”
“All hope was lost when try did we
To find a rhyme for regicide
'Twas all in vain I soon did see
We all were so much mystified.”
“Oh. I see,” said the bar tender. “Why were you doing that
anyway?”
“It’s my job” replied Bill. “I’m William Shakespeare”.
“Oh are you now?!” said the bar tender. “Well, much as though
I’d like to pour you a pint of Caliban’s right now, I’m afraid
I will have to instead ask you to leave this establishment
immediately and never come back.”
“What? But, why?” Bill asked.
“Because... You’re Bard”
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ACT 3
No. Doesn't really work, does it?!
i t h a n k p o o
A Bit of Light Relief
Comic Relief is wrong. And not just the bits with Graham
Norton.
How can anyone find amusement in poverty? A recent survey of
poor people (Northerners and the Welsh) suggests that they
don’t enjoy eating rubbish take-away food like McDonald’s
all the time, and would much prefer to be able to upgrade to
a superior take-away like Burger King or Pizza Hut.
We are making a stand against those who laugh at these poor
souls misfortune. (With the obvious exception being the
homeless, who are always amusing. Seriously - throw eight
pence onto the pavement near a tramp and watch them scrabble
around trying to pick them up. Now that is comic relief).
So as a protest we are making today Relief Friday. We’ll be
collecting for charity and trying to raise as much money as
possible without being in the least bit funny. Or the last
bit fanny. If anybody suggests that the Friday email is a
perfect way of not being funny… these people are morally
wrong. We are funny – but this week we’re deliberately not
being. Ha.
Right then, here are the rules:
1) No laughing, smirking, smiling is allowed. The odd snigger
is acceptable but only at rude things.
2) Tickling another person to make them laugh is both unfair
and against the rules (unless it takes place in their pants)
3) You should discuss serious topics like the Common
Agricultural Policy and its economic cost to Europe, the
state of British otters, or the recent episode of Trisha
Goddard entitled: “My daughter is my wife’s brother”.
4) You should drink serious drinks like wine. Or anthrax.
Smirnoff Ice or derivations thereof are not acceptable.
5) End the evening in a (s)wanky chill-out lounge, somewhere
near the City. This will ensure you don’t accidentally
forget the rules and enjoy yourself later on.
6) Buy the Daily Telegraph on the way home. You may need to
keep reminding yourself that it really isn’t trying to be
funny.
7) Noses. Don’t wear them. They are way too funny. You
might injure yourself.
It is quite simply really.
i t h a n k y o u
PS - Only joking! It’s all brilliant really. Please find
attached our personal contribution to comic relief: Comic
Hand Relief. Be sure to wear it all evening and spread the
hand-relief around.
Art Friday
Hello.
Just a brief introduction today. Bascially it's Art Friday.
Go and have a look at the gallery:
The "Art Friday" Galleryi t h a n k y o u
