it's _______ friday
What A Boob!
Aren’t b00bs brilliant?!
Those of you sniggering at the back - we don’t mean b00bies.
Although, that said, we are happy to discuss yours (if you’re
female) or them (if you’re male). But no, what we mean are
errors, mistakes, faux paux’s.
A b00b is like a mini massive error. For example, a massive
error could be drinking 10 pints on a work night, staying out
until 5am, eating a pot n00dle or sleeping with a dog. B00bs
are much softer and often, if l00ked at in the right way, a
source of much amusement.
Tripping over a paving stone could cause hilarity for both
yourself and any friends watching. It would be classed as a
b00b. Tripping over a paving stone and fracturing your arm
in 3 places is less amusing. I think we can agree that that
would be more of an error. Tripping over a b00b is so far
unclassified, not to mention unlikely.
So, what are we saying? (Excellent question – Ed.). Well –
we are suggesting that you make a b00b today. No, not from
paper-mache. We mean take part in a mini error.
Obviously you’ll have to decide what constitutes a b00b for
you. The It’s A Friday team have decided that they want to
enjoy some massive b00bs today so we will be aiming to at
least drop something embarrassing. Obviously some of you
won’t be able to handle massive b00bs and so will have to
settle for smaller ones. Well, it’s like ANYTHING isn’t it…
Here Comes The Friday
It’s sunny today
Hip, hip hooray,
We feel so gay
Because it’s sunny today
God we love the sun, especially page 3 where you can see girls
top bits.
Actually we’re only joking. We’re celebrating today because
it is sunny, and it’s nearly summer – and well we can’t
actually think of anything else to celebrate. It’s Sun
Friday!
Moon Friday really doesn’t have the same ring to it. It’s a
rubbish idea and we definitely won’t mention it again. Ever…
Wait a minute! Hang on! Moon has two meanings! One meaning
is the name for the piece of rock circling the earth (just in
case anybody needed a recap on that, thanks matt) whose
gravitational field causes the oceans tides. The other means
to get your @rse out to people with the intent of creating
shock and indignation to the unsuspecting watcher(s) – and
therefore mirth for oneself.
Oh what the heck: It’s Sun and Moon Friday! And whilst this
might sound like the name of a new Wetherspoon’s pub that’s
just opened in Tower Hamlets (or a Pagan festival) it is not.
Obviously.
So what’s the idea behind this week’s Friday email? Well, Al
asked Matt this earlier. Matt said “None” so you can safely
deduce from this that in keeping with other Friday emails this
week’s “effort” is both rather meaning- and (point-) -less.
That said we do want you cut out either the shape of a moon,
or sun (colouring it in is optional) and wear it all night as
a special Friday Costume.
Clearly we will taking the more simple option of getting our
@rses out.
i t h a n k y o u
It's _*****_ Friday
Here at It’s a Friday HQ we have become increasingly concerned
about the number of important people reading our emails.
No, not you.
People in positions of authority and/or influence. For example
a nightclub bouncer, your local pub landlord, or a bus driver.
Seriously if you mess with these people you’ll end up with a
number of rather sore bruises, no beer, or a long walk home
respectively. Or, worse, all three… and that is a decidedly
bad night out. Although not as bad as pulling someone who
doesn’t have their own teeth (or anyone else’s) anymore.
And important people aren’t the only ones reading our emails.
No, still not you.
We’ve been hearing strange clicks on the telephone (although we
think that was just people hanging up on us) and men in
raincoats and sun glasses watching our every email-writing move.
Yes fellow Fridians, MI5 are onto us and they’re not amused.
Anyhoo, in order not to annoy anyone who is foolish enough to
imagine themselves to be important, arouse suspicion in the
intelligence community and, more importantly, make sure the
Friday Email gets through your email spam filter (let’s face it
– Hotmail is so good at that these days!) we have decided that
censorship of our emails is the only way forward. So, it’s
Censorship Friday!
You may have noticed that in some Friday emails we go on and on
(and sometimes on) about subject matter that would make your
mother (and in some cases your father, brother, sister and
rabbit) “blush”. In short, we are a touch rude. Well no
longer will we be using rude words or phrases. No, being
cunning linguists we shall instead be disguising them.
Yes, we’ve had a long think about this issue and decided that
subtle and clever word disguises are the only way we’ll be able
to continue to write about “soupy tate winks” or “lexual
minter-wourse” or even “koo and yee”. We can’t even begin to
explain what we mean “love blimp”… although, to be fair, in
that particular case we just really can’t explain what it
means.
If you want to help with Censorship Friday we would suggest a
basic approach of not watching Clockwork Orange and aggressively
shouting “La la la la la nobody listen to the bad thigns”
whenever you feel it is appropriate. Oh, and don’t get your
baps or balls out.
So there you go. Welcome to the new format, no-rudies It’s A
Friday email.
The only problem is that if we stop writing about naughty (good
dirty) things then we’ve really got very little to write about.
See, the thing is…. Errr… well, you know….
Oh pants and farts – anybody for Swearing Friday?
It's A Bit Special
You are special.
Seriously go to the toilet right now. Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself. (That’s LOOK, not touch). See how special you are?!
In many ways (6 to be exact) we are all special. Here at It’s A Friday we often find ourselves feeling extremely special. Often, weirdly, this seems to coincide with having spent an evening in the pub, followed by a late bar, followed by a club, followed by wandering around the streets trying to find somewhere else open for a drink. Then the night-bus to somewhere that’s definitely way past where we should have got off. Then the realisation that tomorrow isn’t Saturday, we have a 9am meeting the next day with the head of our department… and it’s currently 5:30am in the morning. Oh, and we’re each carrying a garden gnome dressed as an easter bunny. Yes, that was special.
Other times, however it doesn’t have to be alcohol related at all: you should have seen the state of us last Friday after playing 4 games of 6-a-side football. That was VERY special.
Actually, the It’s A Friday team are a bit confused about one thing and were wondering if you could help us. We think there’s been an error of some sort. Various people seem to be under the mistaken opinion that we are master bakers (leave it) and producers of exotic breads. Apparently they think we have some unusual fi5ting technique for developing the gluten in the dough and introducing air. They keep asking us whether we have special kneads.
But we digress. Clearly we don’t have special kneads (needs – do you see what we’ve done there?). Only once have we (independently) been visited by a local Social Services care worker for a bed bath and, to be honest, the man had quite a delicate touch which made it OK. Weird thing was he didn’t have any proof of identity on him. A bit special really - we’re sure they’re meant to carry some sort of ID.
Anyway, it’s Special Friday and to celebrate your - no, actually our - collective “specialness” (it IS a word, despite what the spell check says) we would like you to make a special badge. You can create your own design if you want or you can use
this template. You see if we all go around telling each other just how special we are then it will make the world a better place… or at least a special-er place.
Go forth and be special! There’s a bus waiting.
i t h a n k y o u
PS - In case you were wondering, Al finally got his new phone delivered on Thursday. It only took Orange 17 days to get the address right.
Complaint Friday (well, okay, Monday)
Dear Friday-ers,
We wish to register a complaint.
We had every intention of sending you an email on Friday,
however events conspired against us. We are not happy about
this and, we imagine, neither are you (QUIET AT THE BACK).
First, one of the It’s A Friday team had to spend huge amounts
of last week on the phone complaining to a certain nameless
mobile phone operator (Orange) about their ridiculous
inability to process an order and send us a new phone. Then,
when we were writing the Friday email there was a power cut
and all the work was lost.
So, anyway, here we are several days late. It’s Complaint
Friday/Monday. Below is the rather over-the-top complaint
letter that was sent to Orange who, incidentally provide a
good level of telephony but an appalling level of incompetent
customer service.
i t h a n k y o u
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Wankers at Orange
I am writing to complain about the appalling level of
incompetence and piss poor service I am receiving when trying
to give Orange my business and money.
6 “working days” ago (10 real days) (70 dog days) ago I
ordered a new phone and contract online at orange.co.uk. I
already have an account with Orange. My address has not
changed. My bank account has not changed. My name has not
changed. In fact, nothing has changed except that I now hate
you all with a passion.
Despite being a simple case of using the information I
entered on the website and sending me the handset/SIM, the
entire process has been handled abysmally and with utter lack
of any sign of intelligence, competence or professionalism.
Firstly you failed to notice that I already had an Orange
account (I entered the details when I ordered). This
resulted in a delay while you performed a credit check on me.
I phoned and corrected your stupid error however I am now glad
that you wasted your money on a credit check. 1-0 to me.
While talking to Orange I checked that the delivery address
was correct (different to the billing address) and I was told
(twice) that the phone would be delivered to the correct
address on Tuesday 29th March.
The phone was not delivered on Tuesday 29th March.
I phoned to point out that my phone had not arrived and was
told that it would arrive on Wednesday 30th. It did not
arrive on Wednesday 30th March. I phoned Orange and was told
that, for some unknown reason, the phone had been sent to my
home address; the address that I had specifically asked for it
to not be sent to (because there would be nobody in); the
address I had been told that it would not be delivered to.
The address you had it delivered to.
There was nobody in. Shocker!
I phoned again assuming that I would have the option to speak
to at least one single member of staff who was not in the
process of being certified as having “special needs”. There
must have been a malfunction with your phone system because I
was not given this option. The customer “service”
representative on the phone claimed that it was not possible
to give any reason or explanation for this error. Nor did he
apologise on Orange’s behalf. Nor would he suggest how I might
find out how/why this had happened. Nor did he suggest anybody
I could speak to in order to complain (when I asked). I wish
him immense levels of misfortune in the immediate future.
After a change of nappy he went on to explain that a change of
delivery address would be “faxed” through to the courier
company. Obviously, for drivers of vans carrying parcels
around the country, fax is the most suitable method of
communication. This faxing would apparently (God’s c0ck knows
how) take over 24 hours. How this is even possible I have no
idea but, evidently, it must be a HUGELY complicated process
that I couldn’t begin to understand.
In disbelief I asked when the phone would be delivered and
received confirmation that it would be delivered today,
Friday
1st April. A full 11 days (7 “working” days although you’ve
obviously spent none of that time working on completing my
order) after I ordered it using a time/effort/money saving,
automated, internet system.
This is totally unacceptable. All that was required was a
check on my bank details and address (against the account I
already hold and pay every month by direct debit) and
dispatch of the handset to the address I had gone to the
trouble of typing in and confirming verbally. It’s really
not very hard. A slightly intelligent pigeon could do it.
Evidently your pigeon selection process is not quite rigorous
enough.
Given these easily avoidable errors and delays I would at
least expect every effort to be made to get my handset to me
as quickly as possible now. I am very much still waiting.
It should come as no surprise that this time has been used
entirely for the purposes.
I await my phone, an apology, an explanation, some offer of
compensation (for the time and effort wasted trying to track
this order) and details of what will be done to ensure that
such simple AUTOMATED mistakes do not happen again. Oh… and
a video copy of the token execution of a member of your
customer services department.
BUGGER off,
Al
The It’s A Friday Team
