it's _______ friday
Posh & Poor Friday
"From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs" wrote Karl Marx in 1875.
Elections have been won and lost on the strength of this doctrine. Revolutions have risen; wars have been waged; nations have been divided. Marx also, however, was thrown out of the British Library because they thought he was a tramp.
What can we learn from this? Well, for one thing: shave before you go to the library. But it also shows us that there is a subjective interpretation of imagined social status which is completely separate and diverse from our very real class structure. While the gap between the top and bottom level of our society has worryingly increased, the actual concepts of "posh" and "poor" are, of course, entirely relative.
A trailer park scrubber may well consider her silver-plated clown necklace* from Argos (http://www.argos.co.uk/wcsstore/argos/images/2331870A59IFN105184M.JPG) to be her "posh gear". Similarly, some multi-million pound toff might be heard calling a Tiffany, one-carat diamond engagement ring (£6,525-£24,700 http://www.tiffany.com/expertise/diamond/pricing/default.asp) cheap jeweler for poor, Sloaney tarts. It's all about perspective you see.
Well, despite all of the above, below are a couple of lists to help you decide whether you are posh or poor.
You're posh if:
· You have an account at a delicatessen
· You participate in a sport while on top of a horse
· Your parents are "mummy" and "daddy"
· Mummy and/or Daddy play a sport while on top of a horse
· You don't drive your own car
· You eat fish crap/eggs/eyes
· Your family tree looks like a basket-weaving diagram
· There is more than one separate building in your property/land
You're poor if:
· You think you're posh
· You've eaten pasta without sauce
· You have to put a jumper on instead of turning the heating on
· Cava tastes the same as champagne
· Vegetables are a novelty
· You own more computer games than books
· Waitrose supermarkets look a bit scary
· You sow your own buttons on when they fall off
Right. That’s it for this week. I know it’s a bit late - we’ve been busy today. Sorry.
i t h a n k y o u
*Seriously. I've seen people wearing these things. I know it seems unlikely but it's true.
It's Nice to be Nice
Everyone is lovely,
Everyone is great.
I’d like to buy you chocolate,
And stuff it in you face.
Don’t mis-understand me.
I don’t mean to be mean.
But just that you’re so wonderful,
It almost hurts my spleen.
Look at you, you’re super.
I’m sure you have no vice.
And I don’t want to put your head in one.
It’s just so nice to be nice.
Are you feeling a bit special today? You should because you're great.
So what if it’s Friday 13th. The It’s A Friday team are going to cancel out any bad luck by, for one day only, being extra nice to everyone. And because you’re all so wonderful and amazing we reckon you’ll join in. (NB - yes, it’s possible that that Friday 13th would have made a good Friday subject but we didn’t realise that until it was too late)
Here is the It’s Nice To Be Nice Friday list of things to try:
· Open a door for someone (don’t shut it again just as they’re about to walk through it)
· Buy a stranger a drink (don’t try and pull them)
· Go and surprise someone with pretty flowers (not a “hitting them in the face with them” surprise)
· Feed the ducks (bread, not poison)
· Compliment a policeman (do not make ‘hilarious’ bacon references)
· Rescue a cat from a tree (and don’t then take it round to a dog)
· Give your local tramp a bottle of gin (that you haven’t urinated in)
· Tip the staff in McDonald's (actually – that might be going too far)
All of these things make taste better. As God (officially one of the nicest people ever according to What Deity? magazine) may have once said "Don’t be a nobber, be a nicer"!
It is, of course, difficult to be nice to people sometimes - especially if they are horrible or smelly. But don't let yourself be defeated. Be inspired by the examples of others. Even Hitler was a nice-man at dinner parties. Always telling amusing anecdotes (“…And this one time I was at the Olympics in Berlin and…”), playing tiddly winks with the kids and generally livening up things with his twinkling eyes and sparkling tash. Or take Pol Pot (please, take him!). Yes, he was a bit deranged and generally not the sort of person to get on the wrong side of. But get him in a pub, and his credit card would be stra ight behind the bar - and that in many ways makes up for the other stuff.
So please be nice to someone at least once today. Why not arrange a group hug at work? Tickle your Chief Executive? Tell your friends that you love them, even if they are the same sex as you. It's not gay; it's brilliant.
It is the binding force of humanity that keeps us from being savages. So go out, rejoice, and celebrate the good life. Remember it's nice to be nice.
i t h a n k y o u
PS – Blatant plug of the week: top comedy double-act and friend of It’s A Friday, niCe mUm, are performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival most nights for the next couple of weeks. Go and see them. They’re funny. And nice.
www.nicemum.com
PPS – Thanks to PJL for being nice enough to provide us with a good title for this week’s Friday. Try To Be A Bit Less Rude and Annoying For The Benefit Of Others Friday wasn’t anywhere near as catchy.
Immature Friday
You smell. Of wee. And farts. Oh, yeah… and your mum’s got fleas.
Hello all and welcome to Immature Friday!
Here it It’s A Friday HQ we’ve decided (well, actually I decided because Matt’s on holiday) that we’d had enough of being serious and responsible. Falling Over Friday, Pigeon Friday, Talking Like Hawking Friday and Falsetto Friday have all been a bit too grown up; a bit too clever; a bit too wise.
Well not this week. This Friday is all about embodying the mind of a seven year old. After all, weren’t we all more free thinking then? And, to be honest, poo is really funny.
Skill. Did you have skill at school? I didn’t. You know why? Yes, that’s right…it’s because the conversation would have gone like this:
Matt: Do you have skill?
Al: Yes. I am the master of skill.
Matt: Errrr! Skill is an African bum disease.
Al: No. I meant the skill that’s in the dictionary.
Matt: Yeah – the African medical dictionary!
And you know what’s really great? Well I’ll tell you. What’s great is that I still find that funny. It’s possibly even funnier now than when I was younger. And that, as my hero Tony the Tiger would say, is Grrrrrrrreat!
So today let’s all talk about poo in meetings. Give your colleague a wedgy. Knock on your bosses office door and then run away. Go and buy a water pistol and squirt it at peoples’ groins.
Tonight, after a couple of drinks, we’re going to play a big game of knicker-chase and it’s going to be mega-double-brill.
It's A Friday Link Of The Day:
http://www.odps.org/glossword/index.php?a=list&d=4
i t h a n k y o u
PS – Could somebody please email a Bumfor to us by the end of the day. (Go on… please ask… you know you want to).
