it's _______ friday
My Kindest Friend,
Before introducing ourselves we must request your best, top secretest confidence in this matter. This is because it's so totally secret that we almost can't even tell you what it is. We are, however, confident that you will use all your secreting powers to keep this secret very, doubly secret and do it good.
We are representatives of the National Friday Governing Council Board Executive Steering Group Committee. We urgently need to transfer £6,300,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000 (six point three Kajillion Million Billion “real” pounds) from a corrupt official at the It's A Wacky Wednesday Society. This money was intended for use on Fridays only and we need your help to save it from being used in a non-secret, doubly bad and evil way.
Being representatives of the NFGC, but mainly because we are a bunch of tw^ts means this money cannot be transferred directly to us. We desperately therefore beg of your help. We have been delegated to look for an overseas Partner (i.e. you!) into whose account we can pay the monies into. We have agreed to share the money as follows: 80% for us, 10% for settling taxation and all expenses, and 10% for you. Think about it. 10% of 6.3 Kajillon Million Billion Pounds is a lot. Really it is. Also by helping us you will be saving orphans too as we have made a commitment of honour to donate 5% of our monies to a local charity looking after very poor and parentless kids. This proves you can trust us, as we would be the nastiest people in the whole world to pretend about such as subject. Seriously we would.
Please note that this transaction is 100% safe and we hope to commence the transfer of monies at the latest seven (yes, that is 7) banking days from the date of receipt of your bank details. We also require the following information:
i) Date of Birth
ii) Mother’s Maiden name
These details are vital. We wish to know when to send you a birthday card in the future. After all, we are now friends – and not just Partners.
Details of your mother’s maiden name are imperative, as this will be your password to the account once the monies have been transferred.
We are very much looking forward to doing it with you, and solicit your confidentiality in this matter. You must not tell anyone. Not even your friends. They will be jealous, and want to take the monies from you. That would be bad. We will send you more details of this pending project once we have heard from you.
Dr Matal O’Friday
PS. Please, please don’t forget to include your bank details, mother’s maiden name and your date of birth, otherwise you will get bad luck for
15 years, and lose all your hair, and end up with no friends, and work in a Kebab Shop, and smell terribly.
Let's Go Exploring
Where would we be without those gallant, brace souls who go out and
discover new places for us? Probably in southern Egypt or somewhere.
Or maybe just in bed.
Explorers discover new worlds, new places, and accidentally (sometimes)
special new types of frog. They battle into the unknown hoping to GOD
that they there will be a long lost motorway service station at the end selling
cups of tea. For £2.30 or more, obviously.
But Where are you? Where are you going? In fact, come to think of it, WHO
These are fundamental questions of existence. Here at It’s A Friday HQ
we have already started trying to answer some of those questions. Many
hours were spent thinking about it in a trance-like state. (Seriously - you
can’t shirk these sorts of issues; it would be really, really wrong). You know
what… we got some of the answers:
Matt’s in the pub.
See - it really isn't that hard.
Actually we both love exploring ourselves (separately). To be honest we
reckon it should probably happen at least once a day. Preferably twice a
day to be honest. You can never explore yourself too much. In our
considered opinion, everyone should take 5 minutes out today in order to
properly explore themselves… in depth.
Seriously. Go to the toilet right now and try it out. That’s what being an
explorer is all about. Why do you think Captain Robert Falcon Scott (of
“of the Antarctic” fame) went out saying that he “may be some time”? It’s
because he was sneaking off to the bog to explore himself.
Right. We are now both off to explore ourselves in the pub. It is a
scientifically proven fact that alcohol makes this process easier. Why not
give it a go. After all, It’s Exploring Yourself Friday!
i t h a n k y o u
It's OTT Friday!
Hi. How are you? It seems like ages since we’ve written. We’ve really missed you.
It’s been so hard. You’re so very… totally, really, amazingly NICE.
Pants - aren't they great? They're brilliant. Hurray for pants. Small pants, wide
pants, smelly pants, wet pants, cummy pants, skid-marked pants, sandy pants.
Wahoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pants. Yeah....brill ...Pants are brill, pants are brill,
pants are brill.
We like pants. Oh My God they’re, like, so good.
Going on about things - isn’t that great? Especially when you talk, talk, talk and
bore people into submission. It was like the other day. We were speaking with some
girls and they went on and on and on. Didn’t stop for hours. But it was okay…
Because girls are brilliant. Aren’t they? The sticky outtie bits are particularly good.
They’re amazing. Thank the lord for the outtie bits! Whe-hey!
Anyway you should really stop reading this and do some work. Don’t you just love
work? Getting up in the dark, cold mornings; a steaming hang over to boot. Traveling
on overcrowded buses, trains and pavements. Isn’t it fantastic? Doesn’t it make you
feel special? It does for us. It’s super-duper.
In fact, honestly, work is awesome. We’re both going to stay late tonight and put in
some extra hours just for the fun of it. ‘Cos we like fun. Isn’t fun, fun? Fun is the most
fun you can have. It’s the funnest of all fun things.
But let’s be serious for a moment because being serious is a hugely, massively,
incredibly, crucial thing. Seriously: we love people going over the top. It’s tip top
banana. Remember when George W Bush claimed that Iraq had weapons of mass
destruction. Didn’t he go on and on about it? And Blair said that we were 45 minutes
from impending doom. That was brilliant too. So dramatic, in-your-face and over the
top. So over the top, in fact, that it’s gone full circle and just become a festering,
unforgivable lie. Well done.
Anyway. For a full demonstration of just how you can go over the top please view
the following video: http://www.ntk.net/media/dancemonkeyboy.mpg
Now go out and have a massive spazz.
i t h a n k y o u
Give us a cuddle...
Hello. It’s Cuddles Friday.
I hate that duck! Remember Cuddles? That cheeky, sadistic monkey who used
to sit on Keith Harris’ lap (enjoying it a bit too much) being horrible about Orville
and almost definitely swearing in at least one episode. We really hope you know
what we’re talking about…however that’s not what this Friday is about.
Remember cuddles? We do. They’re a kind of slightly fidgety embrace: friendly,
warm and affectionate. Unfortunately they were normally instigated by distant
relatives (like Aunts and that) who were a tad overweight and smelt of old tea.
In essence, something which should have been beautiful and touching, became
a personal nightmare.
Also when you’re five years old the thought of cuddling a girl was yuk and nasty.
All girls seemed rubbish at that age. Some of them still do.
Luckily our views of most girls, and cuddles have changed. We like both very,
very much indeed. Hurrah.
So what are we proposing? Well it’s quite simple really: you just need to email
someone you’d like to cuddle. Assign a role to each person as either the Cuddler
(who instigates the cuddle) or the Cuddled (who is the recipient of the cuddle)
then perform the deed.
Since the It’s A Friday email now has such a massive readership (this, technically
is not 100% true), we fully expect this craze to sweep the entirety of the UK, most of
Europe (not including Wales) and ideally Iraq. Can you imagine the effect of a
cuddles craze in Iraq? It would solve everything; in minutes. It could be promoted as
“Cuddle a Kidnapper?”. Perhaps get some celebs involved (like Anne Robinson,
Wendy Richards or that woman from the Curry’s adverts).
So – come on, what are you waiting for? Get out there and start cuddling people.
We’ve already hired a pub somewhere in the UK for 2 hours this evening and have
arranged for girls to come and cuddle us. If you can find it, why not come along and
be a Cuddler?
i t h a n k y o u
* -Not to be confused with hugs which are entirely different and (possibly, potentially) morally wrong.