it's _______ friday
Once Upon A Time...
Hello. If you look through the nonagonal shaped window you
can see that today is Fairytale Friday!
Once upon a time, somewhere in Plop-plop land, there was a
pretty girl who was almost grown up. Fanny. Her parents were
mentalists and had once tried to cook her in a goose so she
lived with her Aunt Bessie and Uncle Funkle in an old mouldy
shed, just inside the back-bottom corner of the Castle grounds.
Fanny love to play games and run and skip and jump and do the
One day Fanny was playing in the forest. They were as dark and
scary as a big woodcutter with a massive flashing chopper. The
woods were not, however, as scary as an angry Hippo. Anyway...
Fanny came across a path she’d never wandered down before. She
followed it with trepidation. At the end of the path was what
seemed like a big bush. On closer inspection she realised it
was a grassy mound, with a small and barely visible entrance.
Feeling slightly uneasy she nevertheless squeezed her way
through (it was a tight) and into what turned out to be a
cavernous underground opening.
In front of Fanny was a wicked witch. Wicked in a naughty
sense, rather than a cool sense. Fanny turned to run, but
the entrance had disappeared. The witch cackled and then
“You have entered my hole without permission. You have
violated my inner sanctum and for that you will die”.
Fanny experienced what one could only be described as an
anxiety attack. She promptly then shat herself. The witch
flinched, but still looked destined to strike poor Fanny down.
Then she paused. Smiled. And chuckled a bit too.
“I have another destiny for you. I condemn you to live in
Southend. You shall forever be dating boys who drive Fiesta’s
very fast by the “sea” front. You will talk with a ridiculous
and whining accent. You will be a laughing stock to every man
you meet, and yet you’ll sleep with the majority of them. How
does that suit you?”
Fanny was initially depressed, but she did quite like c^ck,
and thought it wasn’t such a bad punishment.
1) Getting yourself stuck in a tight hole without a
pre-conceived (and preferably tested) plan to get out is a mistake.
2) Never trust anyone who tries to write moralistic tales.
3) Hippo’s should be avoided, especially when tending their young.
i t h a n k y o u
Stars in our Eyes
December 22 - January 20
You’re the Christmas star sign which makes you unique – but
not in a Jesus type way. Anyway, utilise this ability to
influence all of those around you. Get them to go to the pub
with you, or alternatively on a long trek on the North Downs.
The choice is up to you. Carpe diem!
Single: Try Lady Luck’s Emporium, Brixton Hill, Brixton
January 21 - February 19
Aquarius types like Aquariums. Buy a gold fish bowl, but put
no fish in it. This represents your life. Then buy some fish
and put them in a separate fish tank. Then buy some more and
put them in the original fish bowl. This will make you feel
Single: Love finds you in the Clapham Common toilets.
February 20 - March 20
A gay will spray you with lady-perfume. It will be annoying
but smell quite nice.
Beware: Fish with tails will warn of dire consequences.
March 21 - April 20
A big rising in Uranus this weekend will provide some
discomfort. Ignoring it will lead to a sticky conclusion.
Be aware that not all which glitters is gold, especially if
it comes from Camden Market. You may feel powerless at the
moment to change things. This feeling of worthlessness is
Single: Your destiny lies with an inflatable product.
Financial: Pints of beer are cheaper than bottles.
Lucky Number: 2.3
April 21 - May 21
A strange wind will take you by surprise today but it will
be okay if you clench and wait for it to pass. A tramp will
tell you to “Bogger off” but he will mean it in a nice way.
Keep away from the edge. Carry a Philips screw driver on
Wednesday. Not joining the Westlife fan club would be advised
from today onwards… forEVER.
Dogger, Fischer: German Bite.
May 22 - June 22
You feel special at the moment. You have every right to.
You’re an alcoholic. Take time out to reassess your life. It’s
pretty rubbish isn’t it? Take up a hobby or read a self-help
book. Alternatively, have a drink since it’s all you’ve got
left to enjoy.
Single: Thank God!
Financial: Sainsbury’s are offering 2 for 1 on Special Brew
Lucky Number: £2.99
June 23 - July 23
Just do it. Preferably twice to be sure. You’d look a fool
if you only did it once and it didn’t work.
Your Betting Tip: Heads… no tails. Yes, definitely tails.
July 24 - August 23
Leo’s are lions. So go out there and get ‘em. Having said that
this is by no means an invitation to bite people unless they
have specifically requested you to. Women take note.
Single: Grow a mane (men only) and dye it yellow. Growl a bit.
The women (and gays) will come running to you.
Financial: Borrow money from a man with a big beard.
August 24 - September 23
If you had a pound for every time somebody said “If I had a
pound for every…” then you’d be slightly richer than you are.
As it is you don’t and you’re skint. Funny how things work
sometimes isn’t it? No.
Lucky Lunch: Have a banana.
Sept 24 - October 23
There’s nothing worse that having your nipples flayed by a team
of rodents but one of the things worse is having your nipples
flayed by a team of rodents while that girl you fancy from the
sandwich shop is watching. The great news this week for Librans,
however, is that you will be spared this until next week.
Health: The smell suggests that you should buy some fresh milk.
October 24 - November 22
Scorpio’s always have had an affinity with their insect cousin,
the Scorpion. They look bloody ugly and make barbed (stinging)
comments on a regular basis. And no-one likes them. You’re no
exception. The sooner you realise this the better. Our advice to
you is: Just don’t.
Single: Don’t care.
Financial: Strong to north westerly.
November 23 - December 21
Saturn has a stingy ring and some of it is heading your way.
This should be good luck for you provided you’re dead or well on
the way. A couple of aspirin should help with the gout but make
sure to follow the instructions on the packet.
Word of the week: Maracas.
New Year's Revolution
Hello and welcome to the very first Friday of 2005!
Does it feel different? If it does then you’re probably still
drunk. We probably are.
Anyway, here at It’s A Friday HQ we have resolved not to have
any New Years Resolutions. No, instead we are having a New
Years Revolution: starving poor people, killing rich people,
barricades, special dancing and a new national anthem. The lot.
Bang. Bosch. (They make drills and stuff you know).
“What sort of revolution should we have?” I pretend to hear you
cry… Well it’s a tough decision isn’t it? There’s just so many
to choose from? DO you want to have a Russian-style revolution
with Bolsheviks (no – she’s not that tennis player with the
hair and the legs); an American-style revolution with
constitutions and liberty and all that rubbish; or perhaps a
Raelian Revolution which seems to mainly involve flying saucers
and a bunch of gits.
Of course the problem with a revolution is that there’s very
rarely a defined start and stop point. There’s always somebody
who wants to go a little bit further or move the live/die
threshold slightly down the bank balance scale.
Perhaps it doesn’t really matter. People don’t go to a Roller
Disco for a specific reason - they just “fancy it”. Yes, it
does indicate them to be mental (and probably smelling of
stoats), but the simple fact is that they still go. Why,
therefore, can’t we just have a revolution because… well, just
for the sake of it?!
So, we shall be starting a revolution about not having a
revolution which in a very real sense is quite a post modern
thing to do. You can join us or start your own. It’s your
choice. We don’t mind at all. Just so long as we know you’re
revolting. [insert a joke about smelly peasants here].
i t h a n k y o u